Today’s the first day of summer, and it’s actually a bit warm for a change.  We had no spring whatsoever, which I can’t ever remember happening before.  The good thing about it was that I didn’t feel guilty about not being out working in the yard and garden.  I hate being outside in inclement weather.

But today it’s sunny and looks like it’ll be very hot for the next while.  Lorraine, the bee keeper from the gym, came over as she wanted to check on my hive.  She has 11 hives, and said hers were filled with honey.  We walked down to the lower yard to have a look in the hive.  It turned out my lazy-assed bees haven’t made much honey, but Lorraine said just wait, they will.

Mojo decided to go right up to Lorraine, who was wearing a bee suit, and so the dog was immediately chased away by a group of bees and stung several times.  As I’m writing this she’s on the bed, under the covers.  She always does that when she’s not feeling well.

Luke and Michelle also came down to the bee hive with us, and watched Lorraine inspecting the bees.  Lorraine said the number of bees has doubled, so she said I have a good queen.  She pointed out the drones to Luke and explained that as they’re lazy, useless males, once they’re finished mating with the queen they’re killed by the other bees.

And did you know all of the bees are female, except for that very small number of drones?  So the term, busy as a bee, makes a lot of sense now, doesn’t it?  I find it remarkable how insects can be so much like humans.

After about ten days of nagging, I got three important things done.  Luke and Nicky installed a CD player in my car.  I’d gotten it for Christmas 18 months ago, and it’s been sitting in my closet ever since.  Then Nicky and Dan cleaned the sunroom roof, and finally Dan hung a bamboo shade over the dining room window.

I know I’ve nearly reached the limit of asking for jobs that need to be done. Nicky knows he has to help me tack the pheromone traps to the pine trees.  We’ve done that yearly since the outbreak of the pine beetle epidemic.  A couple of weeks ago I had someone from the City come and inspect my trees.  He said I don’t have any pine beetles, and lauded my use of pheromones.

However, these damned things are like $30 for a package of 2, and I need 30 packages, so figure it out. It’s a huge yearly expense, but compared to paying a tree company $600 per tree to have any removed is a lot more expensive than the pheromones.  Plus ponderosa pines are endangered, so I’m trying to preserve mine.

I’ve been invited to sell my wares at the Cherry Fair next month, being held at the Orchard Museum.  That should be a good venue for selling both fruitcake and chocolate bark, as both are made with cherries.  Now I’ll have to emulate my bees and get into work mode to prepare for the event as over 1,000 visitors are expected.

 I think there’s a good reason why the mothers of some species have to literally chase their young away to get them to strike out on their own.  Sometimes a firm, direct message is the only way to show them you mean business.  I, of course, am much too soft-hearted to do the same, though this week my patience was tested mightily.

The saga began last December when Nicky and his friend Jordan were driving in his very old Honda and pulled up to a random road check.  The policewoman was in no way amused by the shape of his car, and began to prepare a rather long list of items that would have to be done before the car could be re-insured.

So then the car repairing began, which involved dozens of trips to Pick-a-Part for used parts.  Some of the harder repairs, like the windshield replacement, had to be done in a shop.  Suffice it to say this 1980 Honda has cost thousands of dollars to date, and yesterday it finally passed the inspection.

However, I had to be taken through the wringer as each time it was inspected, and failed, I would somehow be involved.  I don’t give a damn about the car. But to be nice would force myself to ask a question about the inspection, only to have a frustrated kid angrily explain to me in four-letter words what was wrong with our entire system.

And then today Luke’s arriving with Michelle and Dan (the Boarder).  I said to Luke, “Is Dan going to stay here, too, or will he stay at his mother’s?”  Do you get the broad hint I’m making in that question? However, Luke replied very happily, “I think he’s staying at our house.” 

I suppose in some ways it’s good because Nicky’ll be hanging out with the three of them downstairs, and I’ll be alone upstairs in the living room with my margarita in front of me.  Honest to God, I don’t know how I would survive child-rearing without alcohol.

And guess what else?  Luke said they’re staying for three weeks!!  I said to Nicky I just hope you’ll be at your job at Canadian Tire by 5:00 AM every day.  He’s been getting up faithfully at 4:30 for the past month, so let’s just keep our fingers crossed that it continues.  Fortunately, he’s maxed out on his credit card from the car repair, so he basically has to keep working.

Besides alcohol, I’ve also been calming myself down with a lot of thrift store shopping.  I find it’s one of the most relaxing things I can do.  The other day I got a great Craftsman brand shop vac for $25.  Today I got a brand new, never worn black Jones New York trench coat for $10.

And then, joy of joys, I was reminded by someone of a thrift store on Dayton Avenue that I’d forgotten about.  All of my shovels are broken, and they have nice old wooden-handled ones for around $6.  Pretty soon I think only food, which let’s face it is better the first time, will be the only thing I don’t buy used.

Lorraine from the gym drove up in her SUV last week to bring me the bees.  I kind of imagined her arriving with a hive on the back of a pick-up truck the way they were delivered to our orchard when I was a kid.

Some years bee hives would be dropped off in our orchard in the spring for a couple of weeks, then they’d be picked up again.  However, this was done with the prudent use of a pick-up truck.

When I looked into Lorraine’s car I was somewhat relieved to see the bees and hive were actually separate.  The hive wasn’t assembled, and the bees were trapped in a box.  Lorraine and I took the layers of the hive down to my vegetable garden and set them up to build the hive.

Then we returned to her car whereupon she donned the full bee suit.  She grabbed the box of bees and we returned to the hive.  Lorraine opened up the box and began transporting the bees to the hive.  She was hell-bent on showing me the queen, and I kept saying, “Can’t I just imagine it?”

I was several feet away, minus a bee suit, and feeling kind of vulnerable standing there holding the little dog.  He was getting upset by all the bess and when I put him down he beat it up the path toward the house.

Lorraine finally found the queen in the last frame and showed her to me.  At that moment one of the bees flew into my hair, but it was okay as I was able to scream it out without getting injured.  I think I’ll feel a lot better once I own a bee suit.

Lorraine said the bees need water so the next day I took the bird bath down and set it up near them.  She also said they love scented flowers so I raced to the nursery and bought a bunch of alyssum for them.  I planted that around the edge of a tomato bed.

It’s quite wonderful to have the bees, though most people are really stymied by it.  “Why??” is the most common response.  But as with many things in my life, I just explain it away as “probably another hare-brained scheme.”  That usually satisfies them.

But good news!  I’ve sold a dozen packages of chocolate bark to Discover Wines.  This is my first foray into stores with my new product.  I also currently have the bark, as well as some fruitcakes, at the Woman’s Place Gym in their display case for members to buy for Father’s Day.

I finally remembered to tweet today after over a month of not doing it, and I see that it always brings new followers whenever I do it.  I said to Margaret I swear to God I’m going to tweet every single day henceforth even if it kills me.  And, as I read there are only about 5,000 Twitter accounts here in the Okanagan, maybe I can become the tweeting, or more likely the buzzing Queen of the Okanagan.

I think my only hope at this point is to get a facelift and then try to marry well.  I don’t know how else I’m going to be able to afford all of the unforeseen surprises in life.  And given my complete inability to move forward with the business, I’m now casting around for other ideas.

Yesterday afternoon I was happily preparing chicken wings in a honey mustard sauce when Nicky came upstairs and said ominously, “there’s something wrong with the basement toilet.”  My heart sank.  I went downstairs and could see the handle was broken, and water just kept rushing into the bowl. 

When I took the lid of the back to push down the rubber stopper, a steady jet of water sprayed me in the face.  I went upstairs and phoned the plumber.  Nicky came up and said it had stopped running, and I said, “Well for the love of God, don’t flush that toilet before the plumber arrives.”

At 3:30 AM I was awakened by a strange grinding noise.  As I sleep with ear plugs, it takes quite a bit of noise to sneak into my sleeping mind.  Not knowing anything about physics, I easily startle myself with wild notions.  I immediately imagined the basement toilet getting ready to blow sky-high.

I got up and went downstairs, and could discern the noise was coming from the water softener, and not the toilet.  I opened the top and felt sick as I realized I’ve forgotten to add salt for quite a while!  So it was completely empty of water or salt, attempting to work, hence the noise.

I dumped in a bunch of salt, and returned to bed, praying for the noise to stop.  After about an hour it did, and then I heard Nicky get up for his job at Canadian Tire.  He gets up at 4:30 as he starts work at 5:00 AM.

I was lying there thanking God the water softener had quieted, when suddenly I heard Nicky flush the basement toilet.  I could hear water running and running, and I laid there imagining the depth of the water on the floor.

However, it stopped after several minutes, just like the day before.  I mercifully fell asleep for an hour or so, and when I woke up all was quiet.  I went downstairs with trepidation, wondering what Hell would be waiting.  Nothing was wrong.  The bathroom floor was dry, and the toilet wasn’t running.  The water softener stood silent, smirking at me.

The plumber arrived at 1:00 and fixed the basement toilet, so all should be peaceful here tonight.  However, the bill for the toilet repair was almost $200, which I paid acting as though I was unruffled by a wage of about $180/hour.  Nice work if you can get it.

There goes $200 that I would’ve gladly spent on cute gardening things, but no.  And tomorrow my bees arrive, and that’ll be $135.  So don’t blame me if I have to revert to alternate means for paying for all this stuff.

 I tried a new coleslaw recipe the other day that was made from grated raw beets, carrots and cabbage.  The recipe called for onions, but I omitted them.  I’d made a traditional coleslaw a while ago which also called for onions, but Nicky said he didn’t like it due to them being in it.

So when he came upstairs for dinner I pointed out I’d left out the onions because last time he didn’t like them.  He said, “Wow!  You really remember things people say about food.  I can barely remember saying that myself.”  I do pride myself in my memory when it comes to people’s favourites and dislikes.

I read in this month’s Martha Stewart magazine that she keeps records of what she’s served to guests so she doesn’t serve them the same thing twice (unless they beg for it).  I shall have to do that over the years once my memory disintegrates further.

My mom, Gerry and I just went to Maple Ridge to celebrate my brother Freddie’s 65th birthday.  We drove down on Saturday as there was a family dinner at their house.  The next day we headed home, except I had to drop mom and Gerry in Osoyoos and then continue up the valley to Kelowna.  By the time I arrived home I felt like I’d had enough driving for a while!

I’m starting to feel like that about the yard, too.  Enough already.  It was $625 to have the garbage and yard waste hauled from the yard, so you can imagine how much debris I’d gathered.  It took three dump trucks!  And now I’m already starting a new pile as there are so many damned pine needles on this one-acre lot.

What I’m cleverly avoiding like the plague is working on the business.  I just say I’m too busy with the yard.  However, if I don’t start marketing nothing much is going to happen.  My sister-in-law Wendy asked me about Dragon’s Den, and I said I can’t humiliate myself that way.  They’d be perplexed by a business person who still hasn’t written a business plan after all these years.

My business plan is always something along the lines of “I hope I make some money.”  And then when I make a sale, I’m thrilled.  Perhaps that’s the secret of entrepreneurship without all of the normal pressures.  If you set crazy-hard goals, you may fail to achieve them, hence be completely bummed out.

But I don’t know if the bar can really be set any lower than my goal of doing one thing a day for the business.  Even that goes by the boards many days in a row, and I think to myself maybe I really am the laziest entrepreneur on Earth!

However, I’m often distracted by things far more important, such as the pie recipes in the June Martha Stewart mag.  As well, I adore the collectibles she features each month as they inspire me to collect.  We both seem to find joy in similar things, though she has millions of dollars as a result of her methods, and I have lovely, soft, achievable goals as my consolation prize.

You know the lovely poem by Lewis Carroll, the Walrus and the Carpenter?  In it, the two of them are walking along the beach, and weeping at the great quantity of sand. 

“If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose,” the Walrus said,
“That they could get it clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

I thought of this as I was wheeling the thousandth wheelbarrow full of pine needles up the hill, and onto the Big Yard Waste pile I’ve created.  It’s really gigantic.  Besides the yard waste, Nicky and I went through the garage and got rid of things we knew we’d never need.  Gone are ice cream pails filled with casters from old furniture and dozens of door knobs.

Since I have to phone the junk removal man anyway, I decided I may as well make it worth my while.  I found old discarded lumber, blankets and broken furniture to throw onto the pile.  Then of course since it’s spring I thought I may as well put as much yard waste as possible on there, too, hence all the pine needles.

It must be quite sad for my meticulous neighbours, because they see this enormous pile of refuse whenever they leave their front door.  No-one’ll be happier than them when the big truck comes and hauls all of this unsightly detritus out of here.  I’ve already found a nice new spot for future yard garbage, which will conveniently be out of my line of sight.

As well as working on this big yard cleaning project, I’ve been trying to do one thing a day for the business.  The strangest things will hold me up, however.  Right now, I could take my bark to the store owners who expressed interest, but am too unskilled to make the ingredients label for the back!

And these are simply labels, as these small stores just want the main things listed.  However, I don’t know how to make labels, so am sitting here with a package of 1500 of them, the wording ready to go, but not capable of the technology to put the two together.  Oh well.

Then there was the unexpected arrival of Luke and his entourage.  He doesn’t travel alone, and as he’s getting older the numbers of hangers-on is growing.  This time he arrived Friday at midnight, girlfriend in tow, as well as another couple.  By Saturday night Dan (the Boarder) had joined them, so every room in the house was full.

Luke says he has to drive from Alberta to Kelowna to ride his dirt bike.  I asked if there weren’t any trails in Alberta, but he said no.  So they dirt-biked all day Saturday and Sunday, then left early Monday morning, thoroughly biked out.

Once they’d driven off I proceeded to haul the large, round plastic platters from the sushi delivery, and the large aluminum pans from the Greek delivery out of the garbage and put them into recycling.  I started to collect their beer and Jaegermeister empties, and wondered, if I had six more maids around here, and we all had mops, could we perhaps clear this place of some of the debris?

I guess I should feel Mother’s Day was a success with 50% of my offspring making an effort.  Nicky knows what makes and keeps his mother happy, and so surprised me with a bottle of tequila.  I know it seems an unusual gift for a child to present to his sainted mother, but in my case it’s very appropriate.  The other kid didn’t even call, so what can one do?

My life’s improved immeasurably since Nicky’s been hired at Canadian Tire.  He gets up at 4:30 because he starts work at 5:00 AM and works until 1:00.  Because of that, he often goes to bed at 8:00.  As you know, I love going to bed early, so now there’s a heavenly peace around here for hours and hours.

In the mornings I can turn on noisy hoses and sing special ditties for the dogs, as I’m alone and not bothering a soul.  I’m thinking of this as a rehearsal for the day when I might actually stop child rearing.  Luke’ll turn 25 in late summer, which will mark a quarter century of living with offspring.  It just doesn’t seem right somehow.

My mother-in-law, with 11 children, lived with offspring for a total of 40 years, which seems like an awful lot.  But I think by the time she’d had the eleventh kid, she’d become inured to so many things.  I only had the two, so maybe that’s why I haven’t developed her stoicism.

But I can’t blame Nicky.  Just as I did for Luke, I make gourmet sandwiches for him to take to work.  Both like bacon on their sandies, so I fry pieces of bacon, which when cooled are added to the deli meats, mayo, grainy Dijon, lettuce, etc.  One of Nicky’s favourites is the standard bagel, but he likes ham as well as cream cheese on it.

And now Nicky’s friend Felix has given me another $50, so that means another punch card of 10 meals coming up for him.  His first in this series was my gramma’s rouladen.  This is thin slices of beef which are smeared with mustard.  Then you fry bacon and crumble it, and chop pickles.  The bacon and pickles go on the mustard-smeared meat.  This is then rolled up and tied with thread, and then fried for quite a long time to tenderize the meat.

With lunch and dinner shopping and preparing, it’s all I can do to keep up with what’s required in the yard and for the business.  I seeded beets and carrots, planted herbs and seed potatoes in the lower vegetable garden.  I’ve just started planting annuals into my containers.

I’m experimenting with the right size for the bags of chocolate bark.  Discover Wines would like to buy some, but I’m trying to work out the size and price before I present it to them.  Then whatever that presentation turns out to be be, I can take to both House of Rose and Dirty Laundry Wineries.

I shouldn’t complain about the low-key mom’s day the kids provided, as my mom and I were too complacent to even bother to meet for lunch!  I think it’s similar to my own children in that we’re constantly together so not sure what to do with a specially designated day.

I’ve done more marketing in the past week than I’ve done all year.  First of all, Rosebuds, one of my favourite consignment stores, was holding a silent auction on Saturday.

The owner’s trying to raise funds for a local Miss Canada prospect, and also for a charity.  She asked if I’d donate a gift basket, which I did.  The staff at Rosebuds like my product, so hopefully lots of women bid on it, based on the staff’s effusive praise.

Also on Saturday I went to the Kelowna Wine Museum for two hours of fruitcake sampling, paired with local ice wines.  There were five different wineries’ ice wines, some white, some red.  I got to sample each one of them, and I think the Gehringer Brothers Gewurtztraminer ice wine is my favourite.

Quite a few people bought fruitcakes, and so I was glad I’d brought another dozen of each along.  I dropped those off along with samples, and I hope they’ll sell those over the spring wine fest, which is on now, here in the lovely, yet freezing cold Okanagan.

Then on Sunday my pal Kathy and I attended the Wine, Art and Music (WAM) event at the Rotary Centre for the Arts.  We were in the same room with a gluten-free bakery from Peachland, two wineries, and a visual artist.  At one point I looked over to see a buxom young woman, nude from the waist up, bearing red pasties posing for the artist.

It was a lively event, with a great musician singing and playing throughout.  People sampled food and wine, looked at art, and listened to the music.  We had a gift basket at my table, so we forced people to cough up their e mails in order to enter the draw.  Being under Margaret’s constant tutelage re: social networking, she said I simply had to get their contact information.

Now I’ll add those people to the list of those who receive my newsletter, and now can market to a whole bunch more people.  You see how brilliant Margaret is, and how completely obtuse about social media I am?  If I had any brains, I’d be able to link my Facebook and web site somehow, but like I said, if I had any brains…..

I’d be remiss if I didn’t say how much I adored the Royal Wedding on Friday.  I didn’t get up at 2:00 AM, but I did watch it unfold in a second ‘live’ broadcast starting at 6:30 AM.  I liked that, because I watched every second as though it was in real time, plus I’d had a decent night’s sleep, so it was a win-win.

I just loved the dress, the Middletons, the bride and groom, the Queen, the Arch Bishop and the whole damned thing.  It’s a pity, but at my age I find myself reduced to a bucket of tears over any event whatsoever, whether happy or sad.  It must be the after-effects of menopause, as why else sob at the sight of a young gal on her dad’s arm?

I’ll be surprised if I don’t get tarred and feathered by the neighbours.  I’d been in Osoyoos visiting mom and Gerry for two days over Easter, so Nicky was at home looking after the house and pets.  When I arrived home and asked how it went, he said it was fine except for one thing.  He said he ‘must’ve’ left the French doors open all night as he was awakened at 6:30 by the dogs’ barking.

As he explained it, he and Jordan were sitting outside, came in, thought they’d closed the door and went downstairs. In the meantime, the door fell open, and stayed that way all night.  I can’t wait to see the heating bill.  In the morning, the dogs raced out and started barking around the yard like lunatics.

Nicky sleeps like a hibernating bear, so if he says he was awakened by their barking, it must’ve gone on for a long time.  I know how annoyed I am by other people’s dogs’ inappropriate barking, so I bet some people were seething and plotting revenge.

I finally did some marketing for the business, and attended a Parent Advisory Council (PAC) meeting last week.  It was quite enjoyable, as the principal was asking the parents to get into groups to brainstorm the attributes they’d like their children to have when they graduate.  He asked me if I’d join them, and I said, “of course!”

Because I live with the results of the school system, my input into the group was somewhat different from theirs.  The elementary kids’ parents were saying strange things like, “communication” or “flexibility” whereas I was saying they should know how to cook, or budget.

I was viewed as a total nut, and as I was soon going to be presenting my fruitcake and bark to them as a fundraising product, I decided being silent would be the better route.  Once the small groups had their words chosen, we broke into two larger groups with one person recording our answers.  I wish a camera could’ve been trained on my face.

In any case, that school now knows about my products.  I also attended a meeting to prepare for the Rotary Centre for the Arts event on May 1st.  There’ll be visual artists, musicians, wineries and food producers scattered about the various rooms in the building.  They’re expecting 400 people, so I have to get an awful lot of samples ready.

And wonder of wonders, I actually baked some fruitcake yesterday afternoon.  I needed some Okanagan Fruit and Rum bars both to sell to wineries, and also for the event on May 1st.  As usual, I felt totally sick about it, and then once I’d done it I went, “that was so easy!”

So hopefully I can recall that feeling as I begin marketing Okanagan Harvest Cake and the bars for the upcoming tourist season.  And strangely, my little note to myself, “I worked on the business today” is still helping me tremendously.

 This is kind of spooky.  I realized I wasn’t doing nearly enough for the business, so decided to make myself a note.  It says, “I worked on the business today.”  I then stuck it on the wall right behind my screen, so I look at it often.  I began to try and make myself do at least one thing per day for the business, and it’s actually worked.

That little piece of paper has magically made business appear.  Last week on Friday I took six bags of chocolate bark and some samples to the gym and put them in the disply case.  When I returned on Saturday, two were sold.  Then when I arrived on Sunday, one of the women who’d bought a bag raved about it to the women in the class we were in.

On Saturday I also sent out my monthly newsletter, which always bring sales.  Today I received an order for three pounds of bark from a nice local customer named Deb who buys my fruitcakes.  The poor woman arrived and I had no bark made, so she had to endure the wrath of the dachshunds and leave empty-handed.

The dogs were particularly angry because she’d knocked so softly they didn’t hear anyone was here until I opened the door.  I guess when that happens they’re angry at themselves so they take it out on the guest.

Deb’ll return at 4:00 today for her bark, and this time I’ll be ready.  But it was hard getting everything done, because just as I was preparing her order another nice customer named Tammy phoned.  She’s also a member of my gym, and belongs to a PAC (Parent Advisory Council).  She’d told me a couple of months ago that she’d suggested my products to the PAC as a fundraising idea.

As it turns out, they’re meeting tonight and she wants me to attend, so I had to quickly make 30 little bags of mixed bark samples, then 30 little packages of fruitcake samples.  Of course I’m never ready with written stuff, so have to create that right now.  I also plan to take the packaged products so they not only taste, but see what they would be selling as well.

Tammy was kind of nervous asking me if I could attend the PAC meeting tonight because she said she reads my newsletters, and saw the piece in this month’s about my early bedtime.  She said, “Would 7:30 be too late?”

I assured her that as it wouldn’t take me more than ten minutes to show and tell about my products, I’d be home by 8:00 PM, and hence all would be well.  It’s kind of nice to know that I now have the world trying to work around my rather eccentric and perhaps neurotic schedule.

Deb mentioned it today, too, as she’d also ready the article in my newsletter.  When she arrived and no bark was ready, I said, “I’m kind of having a rough day because I was at my friend Kathy’s birthday party until 11:30 last night.”  She said, “What?  I thought you said you went to bed at 9:00 ever night.”

So I think it’s good that people are beginning to know the details of my sorry existence, and perhaps as a result some will begin to take pity on me.  Or not.  In any case, I think I’ve got a tiger by the tail here with my motivational slip of paper to guide me.