Sneaky Yoga

Jul3

It’d be wonderful to be able to say one had been injured falling from a bike, riding a horse, water skiing, but no, my back is wrecked thanks to yoga. I’ve been alternating weights one day, yoga the next so imagine my surprise to find it was the yoga that injured me.  So simple, just kneel, put your left leg forward into a lunge, raise your right arm and bring it to the outside of the left knee and look toward the back corner of the mat. Just a simple twist, but for some reason, my body balked.

I’m taking advantage of it by doing even less than I would normally do, physically that is. I still have to work on my kids book as I want to complete the third by the end of this summer. Then I’ll have a nice little series of three featuring the dachshunds as the neighbourhood crime watch. You’ll be absolutely stunned when you see the illustrations an artist is doing for them.

It’s kind of insulting the way the dogs act when I clean or put on makeup. It’s like I never do these things, so when I do they think something’s up. And I suppose it must be true, as dogs are creatures of habit. When I put on makeup, I’m generally going out, or else someone’s coming. I always clean before a guest comes due to the mountains of cat and dog fur everywhere, so it makes sense.

But when I’m just at home, deciding to clean for the hell of it, no-one coming, I do feel the sting of the dogs’ quiet judgement. Alright, already, I’ll vacuum and dust more frequently if that’s what you’re on about.

Remember Joan Rivers’ old joke? You vacuum, make the beds, clean the bathroom, do the dishes, and why? Six months later you have to do it all over again.

Yesterday I made a very poor-quality roast for Calvin, Visini and their guest Dominic from Hungary. I stupidly decided I’d try something different and make a medium rare kind of roast, whereas I’m really best at the well-cooked pot roasts and stews. And of course it was tough as shoe leather, though I’d prepared for that with an immense number of fatty sides.

I’d also made my four-layer chocolate cake and distributed large pieces topped with ice cream. All of that seemed to take their minds of the dreck roast. I said to Visini the next time I say to you I’m going to experiment with something new, stop me.

Here’s something absolutely disgusting and terrifying: Calvin saw a very large rat in the storage room downstairs. About a month ago when Sylvie came to feed the cats as we were away, she said she heard a scrabbling sound. I said probably some half-beaten animal the cats dragged in. But no, it’s a healthy rat, enjoying all the Purina Cat Chow it can hold.

I wondered why I would have 7 empty cans of cat food in a day and now I know why. I’m terribly disappointed in the cats for not killing it and its kin, of which I imagine there are many given the endless supply of food. I’ve now removed all cat food and will get a few nice big strong rat traps and hope to Jesus I rid the house of them. Can you imagine?

By the next time I write, I will have celebrated the first birthday of my life without my mom. I had 71 of them with her, so that’s quite an extraordinary number. Mom being the kind of person she was, she always held large outside galas on her deck in the Osoyoos heat. This year I’ll be busy setting rat traps instead and that’s fine, too.

Bargaining with Myself

Jun18

 I love the garden, but I hate gardening, so I’ve discovered the best way to handle this is to bargain with myself. I say just go out for an hour, or even half an hour, and if you really can’t stand it you can stop. It seems to help me get out there every day to do something, whether watering, weeding or dead heading. Whatever works, I figure.

Feeling adventurous, I thought why not try shopping like most humans, and went to the mall. It was a bad experience as I wasn’t used to trying stuff on, as thrift stores have stopped allowing that. So in the change room I felt tremendous pressure to pick something, anything. I left one store with a sweater that’ll be fine in the fall, and I bought a pair of jeans at Reitman’s.

Two days later I returned the jeans, as I discovered I’m not a retail shopper, nor a jeans-wearer. I then thought maybe on-line shopping is the answer and ordered a pair of pants. When they arrived and I picked up the bag I thought my God these are heavy. Then tried them on and in winter if it’s below minus twenty, I should be fine in them. Not sure why I’ve kept them, maybe to forever remind myself that retail is wrong for this woman.

To whit: on Tuesday Elsa and I went treasure hunting and I came home with the back seat heaped in clothing. I got a pair of Michael Kors pants and also a top from the same company, and for a total of $8 I have a much better outfit than I could ever find at the mall for a couple of hundred.

I’ve discovered a good use for A.I. is to ask it questions about one’s food intake and weight. As a result, I think I managed to get rid of a couple of pounds of unsightly fat as I was reminded eating carbs is going to make for a very big stomach. It’s kind of like having your own life coach right at your fingertips.

Marie and I went out to lunch at Cactus Club down at the lake and each had a Bellini. Then we were asked by the manager if we wanted another and said no thanks. She said they’re free. We were like okay, where are the cameras? She said no gimmick, just a free drink and we said alright and were thrilled with ourselves.

The cats continue their rodent hunting and eating. Yesterday I stepped on something wet, cold and hard on the kitchen mat in front of the sink and went yikes! It was just the snout and one organ from what appeared to have been quite a large rat. The other day I unrolled my yoga mat, and a little mouse ran out only to be murdered instantly by the dogs.

I made the mistake of buying a 1.75 litre bottle of Cazadores tequila, and so there have been quite a few parties here for myself, the dogs and cats. They’re disinterested in cocktails but are good company as I down a couple of tequila sunrises. I’m not even going to bother asking A.I. if the grenadine is bad for the waistline. I don’t need a party pooper right now.

Joy! You can now go to the Okanagan Regional Library and find my memoir Nuttier than a Fruitcake, a Memoir of Batter, Blunders and Becoming. Please check it out and if you read it, give me your feedback, as I’m always trying to improve.

I’m now working on book 3 of the dog series, The Low-Down on Crime starring Louie and Frieda. My illustrator has done such a wonderful job I just hope my writing does justice to her excellent work.

I’m Finally Addressing the Stomach

Jun5

 I finally got so fed up with my large girth that I’ve started a serious program to counter it. My arms and legs, also my ass, appear to be normal-sized, but my stomach looks like I’m a couple of weeks away from giving birth. A wonderful miracle at my age, to be sure. But because it’s both visceral and subcutaneous fat, it’s simply gotta go.

The thing that pushed me right over the edge was finding a cute dress that was perfect in every way, except for one area. Yes, the stomach. So now I’m going to try to avoid sugar and flour and see what that brings. God knows the alcohol’s staying, as that’s as necessary as oxygen to this carcass.

I don’t think a soul’s looked at Mom’s property, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Now I want it to take forever to sell so that I can use it for a vacation home. God knows I’m hoping it’ll be unsold at the end of September when the Ya Ya’s are having a reunion. I believe Renate’s unavailable due to just coming home from Europe at that time, so it’ll just be the five of us.

The iffy part’s the accommodation, which is at Mary’s house in Osoyoos. It means sharing rooms and that’s one thing I’ve realized is not good for my sleep. Some poor person is going to be on a hideabed in the living room, and another sad soul has to go outside the house up a set of stairs to sleep on a cot in Mary’s bedroom. Sounds glam, right?

I think you can see why I’m willing the stars for Mom’s place not to be sold so I can drive over there and sleep like a log. It’s a strange venue when we’re all retired boomers with means, but whatever. I said I’d prefer a nice Airbnb somewhere in the south Okanagan, but the others went hell no, we want to bunk up and have a pajama party. Jesus.

I discovered tubi.com so am now watching old movies such as Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Midnight Cowboy, The Stepford Wives and many more. Some I’m watching for the second time, hence I haven’t seen them in 50 years…. Perhaps I should be trying to get with the more recent times, but honestly when you haven’t seen a movie in that long it seems new.

My nice neighbour Jim came over with his saw and tried his best to fix the awful-looking fence I had built. He managed to get all the tops even which helps a lot, but it’s still an ugly fence. I wonder what a person does with something so hideous? Years ago, I would’ve gone berserk over something like that, but either thanks to age or alcohol, or both, I’m able to shrug. Oh well.

As you know I’ve been working on my second kids’ book featuring Louie and Frieda as dachshund detectives. The other day, just before the deadline for the kids’ book writing contest, I realized what I’d typed the day prior hadn’t been saved. I then worked for nine hours straight so that I could hope to recall the changes that I’d made. By the time I had my submissions ready for the contest I was a wreck. Cocktail, please.

My grandniece River posted something on TikTok that netted 6 million views and 1 million likes, and she said maybe I would do well with the mutts. I’m sad to say I have an Instagram account that I might remember to look at once a month or so, hence I have low expectations as to how I’d fare on something like TikTok. But hey, I’ll sign up and give it a shot because it might be a fun venture.

Bears, Deer, Ants

May21

Imagine my surprise to enter the chicken coop to find the feeder pulled down off the chain and thrown out through the coop door; the Tupperware of chicken feed was opened and dragged, and plastic was torn from the wall in one corner. I emailed Calvin and said some crazy raccoon must’ve gone into the coop. An hour later I got the video taken by our outdoor camera of a black bear zipping in and out of the coop.

A chicken would come out, then the bear, then two chickens went under the coop followed by the bear. All chickens survived! It was quite a dusty ruckus out there, and where was I and the dogs? Right here in the house calmly washing dishes, listening to YouTube and napping (dogs). This was all going on just meters from the house and I had no idea.

So then I got a company to come in and build a fence to keep bears out, and that’s a topic for a psychiatrist’s couch. Very traumatizing to come home to something that resembles a high security prison wall and has all the charm of one used for a firing squad. And the thing is, it still won’t keep out a determined bear so whatever all of that was about I have no idea.

Then a few days ago I heard intense barking and came out to two deer just inches from the dachshunds. They were barking furiously and I know a deer can mess up a little dog, so I was screaming for them to come. Suddenly one got crabby and gave Lou a push with her foreleg, like, get outta here, dog. He wasn’t hurt and both dogs finally came in.

We have millions of ants marching into the house at all times. Calvin got big pails, filled them with borax and put them into the yard hoping to attract the pests, but no, nothing. Today when I was gardening I suddenly felt something in my ear, and sure enough, an ant. I think the entire attic of this house must be a giant ant’s nest, but whatever. They have to live too, I guess.

On the long weekend I went to Osoyoos as did my nieces and their families for a farewell to Mom. I stupidly didn’t have anyone take pictures for me on my camera, so I have none. I’ve begged the nieces for them but can only hope they take pity on their old aunt. I was going to ask our neighbour Lynne to come and take a group photo but neglected to do so.

All of the food I’d prepared was eaten with great joy. On Friday night we had lasagne, and on Saturday it was roast pork. Sunday’s dinner was chicken Marbella. I’d also baked (see last blog) and all of that except for a few muffins got consumed. Dinner for 11 twice, and dinner for 8 once was a challenge, but a very doable one.

You know how competitive I am, so I’m going to enter the Canadian Children’s Society of Children’s Authors, Illustrators and Performers (CANSCAIP) writing contest. My books featuring the dachshunds as the neighbourhood crime watch is for kids ages 7 – 9. The very nice thing about this contest is that it’s super cheap and they also provide feedback which is the most valuable part.

I made the worst lunch ever for Mother’s Day for my friends Gitte and Roxanne, as I thought I could make vol au vent shells from frozen puff pastry. Luke’s coming tomorrow to help Calvin work on a car so I’ll make dinner for the three of us and will hope for more of last weekend’s successes.

Mom’s Property is now For Sale

May8

 Mom’s property is now listed, so please check it out: https://brandongrass.com/listing/10385279
I’ve spent days there fixing things up and trying to make it all as adorable as possible. When I describe it to people it seems most appropriate for dreamers. Because it has the larger and smaller homes, plus the 100 feet of private lake, the possibilities are endless. I feel embarrassed by the price, but this is what the realtor felt was the right one, so okay.

Calvin had another successful birthday party here on Hall Road. His friends are all so nice and I feel flattered they’d want an old bat to hang out with them. Of course I have much worse habits than any of them do so they’re probably all thinking ‘Jesus, can ya dial it back a bit, lady?’ Boomers – we’re still stuck in the 1970’s.

Calvin had ordered Korean chicken, half of which was delicious and the other half was so hot some people couldn’t eat it. I, however, had foolishly taken three pieces of it, and damn it, I was going to eat it if it killed me. It nearly did, and I’ll spare you the details of the following morning. Suffice to say Calvin also agreed next year more of the honey soy and less of the Incinerate Yer Esophagus variety.

I’m thrilled to announce I’ve found a wonderful, talented illustrator for my series of three kids’ books featuring Louie and Frieda. They imagine themselves the detectives of the neighbourhood and constantly misunderstand clues and do funny, damaging dachshund things along the way. The first one is being illustrated right now, and the second book is soon to go to my editor, so the series is coming along.

I never in my life imagined I’d enjoy writing kids’ books, but the dogs are naturals for hilarious hijinks. Many of the things the dogs do in the books are real-life experiences I’ve had living with the breed. They’re not called ‘the comedians of the dog world’ for nothing. If you have kids, I hope you’ll order The Low-Down on Crime when it comes out.

Louie’s now 13 and his teeth are in such bad shape the young gals who do the non-anesthetized dog cleaning won’t do his anymore. He’d have to go to the vet and go under to have them done, and at his age I wonder if it’s wise. He also went to the special eye vet, and she noted the little growth on his eyelid and said given his age we should probably leave it. Then added “of course if he lives to 18 we’ll be mad we didn’t do it.”

Sigh. Life’s filled with choices we aren’t able to make. Then we make a decision, and it’s wrong, so we become paralyzed. Did I say “we?” I meant me. You’ll recall I decided to sit on the stage for Guys and Dolls, which I then did, and it was non-threatening. It was fun to be sitting there and thankfully I wasn’t asked to perform a song or a dance, so it was the right choice to make this time.

Sylvie came for Happy Hour (actually dinner) and I made chicken skewers with pineapple and green pepper. I learned a trick for improving chicken breast meat which is to marinate it in a bit of oil mixed with a teaspoon of baking soda. It actually turned out very nicely; then a few days later I made the old Ina Garten panko-crusted salmon for Marie and I for lunch.

Cooking and baking are what I do to help me remain calm. When Mom’s listing first came out it had errors in it which caused a useful frenzy of pineapple upside down cake, cookies and brownies.

I’ll Be on Stage

Apr23

 I’m not sure why I say yes to these things, but I must have some kind of secret desire to scare the beJesus out of myself. I got an email saying we see you’re attending Guys and Dolls at Actors Studio on Saturday, would you like to upgrade to seats on the stage? It alleged one would be part of the experience. I thought sure, why not? Then asked Sharon if she wanted to upgrade and she said, “God no, think of all the shit they’re gonna make you do.”

I then panicked and phoned the theatre, and said what does being part of the experience actually mean? The nice young man explained I’d be on stage, but would not be asked to sing or dance, but that the actors would “interact” with those of us in these seats.

Again, much pondering. So I asked AI what does interact mean, and they explained in the play there are a couple of times where we are part of a café scene, or else in a gambling establishment. The actors will sing and dance around us and we have to act casual…. AI said don’t look at your phone or look bored, as if that would be any part of my thought process when in front of an audience.

I immediately perused my wardrobe for something appropriate, but the dress I want to wear doesn’t really warrant any kind of hose, given it’s sleeveless, so instantly smeared self-tanner on my legs. I’ll wear a nice medium platform heel and take a clutch rather than a purse. Perhaps throw on a small bolero type jacket in case it’s cool. This will be an experience alright.

In the meantime, my cat Iris has lost big patches of fur due to over-licking. I had the vet examine her, and she said the cat’s nerves are shot. She grilled me on what is going on with the cat, and I said honestly nothing is different. Perhaps she had an encounter with a coyote that I don’t know about, but other than the unknown, all is normal. But the vet said we have to be vewy vewy quiet around kitty.  Shhhhh.

The vet also explained the cat may need to go on Gabapentin twice a day if it doesn’t resolve, so we’re kind of leaving the cat alone in the hopes she stops the obsessive licking. Before that she’d also need skin scrapings and blood tests, so until all of that occurs, we’re going to try to keep the cat from any upsets.

I got a wonderful email from the Okanagan Regional Library saying my book Nuttier than a Fruitcake will be in the system! So I can use that bit of news if I ever bother to move this carcass and get into small bookstores to see if they want to carry it. At this moment, no marketing at all is occurring.

And that’s largely because of all the prep work in getting Mom’s property ready for sale. I was there on Sunday working extremely hard, and again Monday morning as the videographer came. It was a sunny day, so I hope the video, drone and still photos all turn out well.

Phyllis and Mary came for lunch at Mom’s house on Tuesday and said it was just as shiny as a new penny, if you remember pennies. Anyway, very clean and tidy. The deck was all nicely vacuumed by me, and the lake piece was finally cleared of debris and decently decorated. Luke had actually cleaned out the garage and taken a lot of crap to the dump.

My religious friends are all praying for me to sell the house quickly. The realtors open house will occur pretty soon, and right after that the signs will go up. May the Muse of Selling descend upon me.

Beautifying Mom’s Property

Apr9

 I had to do all the things on Mom’s property that I hire people to do on my own. Nearly killed me. I was there for four days over Easter, painting, cleaning, planting, pruning, decorating, all in an effort to get the place looking as lovely as it can be. I feel quite satisfied with the interior, and I have Trent, a friend of Luke’s doing paint touch-ups on the exterior.

What I’ve found tremendous fun is gathering the adorable things I want to put on the lake piece. I’m getting Trent to paint the deck and I’m going to put some hanging pansies on the giant wooden wall our neighbour has erected between properties. I’ve also bought a giant colourful umbrella, matching pillow, and tin signs for the bar Luke and Calvin constructed.

I told the realtor I need at least a day’s notice prior to the drone, video and photographs because I want to fix everything up. I plan to put two glasses and a bottle of wine on the bar, and I have a cute blue and white tablecloth to give it that totally French country look. The goal is to build the fantasy in the buyer’s mind, right?

Sadly, the worst of it all is the perimeter of Luke’s house as well as the garage. Both give the opposite effect of the lake piece, one of oops, you’ve accidentally crossed over into a garbage dump. It’s not what I want at all, and neither does the realtor.

I made everyone’s favourite breakfast casserole, the one made from toasted croissants as a base, and then you add bacon, cheese, and an egg and milk custard. Leave it overnight in the fridge and bake the next morning. Everyone weeps a bit as they’re eating it. I also made those naughty chocolate, peanut butter and fruity marshmallow squares. Again, much blubbering from joy.

I went into the Osoyoos Museum with a few copies of Okay, I’ll Bite along with Nuttier than a Fruitcake as they had invited me to do so. I was thrilled as I’d forgotten all about marketing and that reminded me, oh yeah, you have to market these books if you expect them to sell.

That then got me back into seeing where else I might flog them and happened across the Okanagan Regional Library which allegedly stocks local authors. In any case I applied, so maybe? Even if they don’t, I can use the Osoyoos Museum and the 15 five-star reviews on Amazon as I drive around trying to sell my wares.

I’m reverting to my childhood as I now have several Barbies all nicely dressed and held up in special holders so that I can sit and admire them. You probably don’t know that in the 1950’s and 60’s Barbie’s clothes were influenced by couturier designers like Balenciaga, Dior and Chanel. They were hand-sewn in Japan and used real zippers, finished linings, and real leather and suede accessories.

I’m fortunate to have a few of these beautiful clothes and I also inherited several from my friend Bobbi. I have her Barbie dressed in a black strapless gown called Solo in the Spotlight, made in 1960. I know you probably think I’ve finally lost my marbles, but no. It’s more a trip down memory lane but with lovely vintage things.

Or perhaps an escape from the next big hurdle since I conquered probate: sell mom’s house!

A Bizarre Amount of Cooking

Mar26

 After my trip to Mexico and Belize, followed by two and a half weeks of “Bill” in the house, I found myself terribly behind on lunches for friends. To catch up, I ended up scheduling almost back-to-back meals, lunches and dinners alike.

On Saturday, I made Ina Garten’s panko-crusted salmon with Amish pasta salad and a green salad for Chad and Miranda. Since it was Chad’s birthday, I also baked a vanilla layer cake with strawberry cream icing. The next day, Marie came for lunch, and I whipped up her favourite: Cactus Club-style chicken lettuce wraps.

Tuesday was Petra’s birthday, so I hosted a dinner for the Crones. The menu included chicken thighs in Dijon cream sauce, scalloped potatoes, a sweet-and-sour cucumber salad, and a tossed green salad to start. After nearly a week of kitchen marathons, it was a treat to meet Gitte for lunch at Joey’s. All I had to do was eat—and drink. Sadly, cocktails nearly cost as much as the main meal, so you really have to want that drink. I always do.

Wednesday Patricia came for lunch. Since her birthday had just passed, I made a fish stew, kind of a bouillabaisse with mixed seafood in tomato sauce, and toasted sliced baguette smeared with a roasted red pepper and garlic mayonnaise for dipping. It turned out very well, if I do say so myself.

Tomorrow Elsa’s coming for lunch, and Saturday Sylvie’s coming for dinner, so the cooking continues. Like Alison’s mom Pauline, I love sprawling on the couch, flipping through cookbooks, and plotting my next culinary experiment. So far, no one’s complaining.

I’m going to haul dozens of containers down to Osoyoos and fill them with dirt and probably pansies. I need to pretty-up Mom’s house and the property in general. I don’t have any time for the garden here in Kelowna that’s for sure, though I’ll plant my usual dahlias as that’s where I draw the line on sacrifice.

Thinking of the contents of Mom’s house is terrifying. I’ve harboured this strange fantasy of someone buying the house and saying they want to keep everything in it. But why would they? It hasn’t really been updated in forty years, so it’d have to be someone with a strong yearning for the 80’s.

Well, never mind. The nieces are coming for the May long weekend for a small family good-bye to Mom and Gerry (both boxes of ashes are side by side in Mom’s closet), and I’ll see if the girls are interested in any of the items there. For instance, Mom has at least 100 paintings, so that’s a big problem.

Between my fear of becoming a hoarder and the glut of items I’m about to face at Mom’s, I decided it was time to clean out my linen closet. It was scary to see how my mind works. Does anyone really use 18 tablecloths? Why did I buy the three matching towels with the giraffe-themed border?

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I say Elsa was coming tomorrow? Yes, she is, and yes, we’re doing our usual treasure hunting prior to lunch here. I just have to pray very hard to the Muse of Not Finding Anything to descend upon me tomorrow.

Living in a Viper’s Den

Mar13

Spoiler alert: I’m the viper. People ask, but how did you get here, and I reply I’m not exactly sure. However in January I needed someone to stay with the mutts while I went to Belize. My garden and yard helper, let’s call him Bill, had moved to Nova Scotia, didn’t like it and wanted to return to Kelowna at the very same time as my trip.

I then said well come and stay here with the dogs, and then you can start looking for your own place. I arrived home late on February 24th and Bill said, good news, he’d found a place, however it wasn’t available until March 15. Gulp. He’s a very nice person and all, but we aren’t close buddies, if you know what I mean.

So then cohabiting with an employee began, and there were many bumpy moments, all on my part as I discovered I cannot stand living with another human being. I adore travelling with Margaret, or staying with Alison, but for me, having to live with someone I really don’t know turned into a harrowing experience. For Bill.

At one point he admitted he didn’t feel comfortable, and I thought maybe it’s because of the icicles forming all over my body when we’re near each other. I explained to him that I’m unaccustomed to living with anyone, and so I hope there’s no offense taken if I pick up my laptop and move into another room. I said I can’t do this otherwise. He seemed to understand.

In the midst of this, I’ve also been to the courthouse four times with my probate forms, only to be sent home with corrections. I figure the fifth time’ll be the charm. If I can get those accepted, I’ll be halfway to my goal of settling all of mom’s life. My last trip to Osoyoos I once again filled the car with books, tablecloths, bowls, pans, and many other things from 80 years in the same house.

The reason for this is that I decided I can’t take the stress of owning mom’s property and it will be put up for sale. First time ever as my dad bought the land in the early 1930’s for $200. Of course it’ll be very sad to say goodbye to that, however whenever I’m there, I see all of the things that need to be done to maintain an old house. I already own an old house here in Kelowna and am dismayed by it.

Luke is balking at cleaning up his yard, but the realtor insists the place has to look neat and tidy. I’m hiring Luke’s pal to come and do some painting to spruce the place up. The private 90 feet of Osoyoos Lake that goes with the property is probably the biggest draw, so I plan on staining the deck and maybe prettying it up with planters of flowers.

The irrigation man was here yesterday digging a deep trench around my fruit trees and beds down in the vegetable garden where the greenhouse is. I had called the company to say I don’t want to continue moving hoses around down there all summer and requested underground irrigation that I can just turn on or off at will. It’ll be like the invention of the light bulb, a miracle.

But in the meantime I have two more nights of Bill and I bumping into each other in the kitchen or the only bathroom. Yes, we have to share a bathroom. When I went to Osoyoos Jan, being a Thai Buddhist said it was nice I had a friend staying. I said he is not a friend, so she said “oh good for you, you do good thing to help him.” And I said no, Jan, I want to kill him, so it’s not a good thing.

Beautiful Belize

Feb26

Mom would have been 101 today, and the amaryllis she received more than seventy years ago is blooming again in my home. It’s the coral variety I’ve seen in Hawaii, the one that keeps its leaves and stays bright green all year long. It reminds me of her: vibrant, enduring, effervescent.

Instead of simply staying in Mexico this year, Margaret and I decided it would be fun to visit Belize, just south of Quintana Roo.

My trip began slowly. There was a sick passenger on my flight who, for reasons unknown, took ninety minutes to disembark. By the time I finally landed, I found Margaret waiting patiently. We took a cab to collect our rental car and arrived in Akumal quite late. Despite having a unit number and entry code, the Spanish-speaking security guards made us wait another half hour before letting us in. You can imagine our moods by then.

Still, we spent two lovely days enjoying Akumal, a cenote visit, a beach day, and dinner at the Beached Bikini Bar & Grill, which has sadly declined since Covid. In fact, much of Quintana Roo seems to have followed suit; prices are now comparable to what you’d pay in Canada.

We drove south, returned the rental car in Tulum, and took the ADO bus to Chetumal, not the most appealing city, and later we learned, not the safest either. Our Airbnb was memorable for its single fork with bent prongs. One taxi ride featured a very cranky woman who repeatedly shouted, “¿Dónde está?” while we kept responding, “No habla español.” It was not our finest linguistic moment.

Fortunately, Belize was next, specifically Ambergris Caye. Our little beach cottage in San Pedro was absolutely charming (I’ll post a photo on my Nuttier than a Fruitcake Facebook page). On the morning of our departure, we discovered there was no water due to a main break affecting the entire street. You truly don’t appreciate water until it disappears.

We visited Caye Caulker, which, like Ambergris Caye, is ruled by golf carts. Add motorcycles and the occasional car and you have quite the traffic ballet. Lobsters were being grilled right on the beach, but having just eaten breakfast, we assumed we’d find similar stands in San Pedro that evening. We did not.

One unforgettable highlight was snorkeling with enormous manta rays and nurse sharks. Hol Chan Marine Reserve is sadly overrun with tourists, much of it feels picked over, with fewer fish and little vibrant coral, but swimming beside creatures of that size was exhilarating.

Because we love ruins, we took the ferry and shuttle to San Ignacio. Lucy, our enthusiastic driver, gave us an education on Belize along the way. Did you know the Mennonites dominate the agricultural sector? We even saw horse-and-buggy Mennonite communities that looked straight out of another century.

Xunantunich, built by the Maya around 600 AD, was spectacular. Despite my fear of heights, we climbed El Castillo and were rewarded with a sweeping 360-degree view. An 82-year-old woman from Quebec was horrified by the lack of railings, but we’ve grown accustomed to the minimal safety standards at ancient ruins. We were careful, not dismayed.

Our San Ignacio accommodation was adorable and just a two-minute walk from the best restaurant I may have ever experienced: The Guava Limb Restaurant & Café. The food, drinks, service, setting, and ambiance were exceptional.

We also visited the Belize Botanic Gardens and explored Cahal Pech, small but fascinating ruins right in town.

Then things became complicated. News broke of cartel unrest in Puerto Vallarta, and Ted, our driver from Belize, had insisted we take a taxi from the Belize–Mexico border all the way to Tulum. By the time we were in the cab, Ted was long gone, and I handed over a substantial sum to Xavier, our driver, muttering, “Thanks, Ted.”

My conclusion? You can skip Quintana Roo — it’s now priced like Canada — and head instead to polite, charming, beautiful, and still-affordable Belize.