Tag Archive | kids-books

Sneaky Yoga

Jul3

It’d be wonderful to be able to say one had been injured falling from a bike, riding a horse, water skiing, but no, my back is wrecked thanks to yoga. I’ve been alternating weights one day, yoga the next so imagine my surprise to find it was the yoga that injured me.  So simple, just kneel, put your left leg forward into a lunge, raise your right arm and bring it to the outside of the left knee and look toward the back corner of the mat. Just a simple twist, but for some reason, my body balked.

I’m taking advantage of it by doing even less than I would normally do, physically that is. I still have to work on my kids book as I want to complete the third by the end of this summer. Then I’ll have a nice little series of three featuring the dachshunds as the neighbourhood crime watch. You’ll be absolutely stunned when you see the illustrations an artist is doing for them.

It’s kind of insulting the way the dogs act when I clean or put on makeup. It’s like I never do these things, so when I do they think something’s up. And I suppose it must be true, as dogs are creatures of habit. When I put on makeup, I’m generally going out, or else someone’s coming. I always clean before a guest comes due to the mountains of cat and dog fur everywhere, so it makes sense.

But when I’m just at home, deciding to clean for the hell of it, no-one coming, I do feel the sting of the dogs’ quiet judgement. Alright, already, I’ll vacuum and dust more frequently if that’s what you’re on about.

Remember Joan Rivers’ old joke? You vacuum, make the beds, clean the bathroom, do the dishes, and why? Six months later you have to do it all over again.

Yesterday I made a very poor-quality roast for Calvin, Visini and their guest Dominic from Hungary. I stupidly decided I’d try something different and make a medium rare kind of roast, whereas I’m really best at the well-cooked pot roasts and stews. And of course it was tough as shoe leather, though I’d prepared for that with an immense number of fatty sides.

I’d also made my four-layer chocolate cake and distributed large pieces topped with ice cream. All of that seemed to take their minds of the dreck roast. I said to Visini the next time I say to you I’m going to experiment with something new, stop me.

Here’s something absolutely disgusting and terrifying: Calvin saw a very large rat in the storage room downstairs. About a month ago when Sylvie came to feed the cats as we were away, she said she heard a scrabbling sound. I said probably some half-beaten animal the cats dragged in. But no, it’s a healthy rat, enjoying all the Purina Cat Chow it can hold.

I wondered why I would have 7 empty cans of cat food in a day and now I know why. I’m terribly disappointed in the cats for not killing it and its kin, of which I imagine there are many given the endless supply of food. I’ve now removed all cat food and will get a few nice big strong rat traps and hope to Jesus I rid the house of them. Can you imagine?

By the next time I write, I will have celebrated the first birthday of my life without my mom. I had 71 of them with her, so that’s quite an extraordinary number. Mom being the kind of person she was, she always held large outside galas on her deck in the Osoyoos heat. This year I’ll be busy setting rat traps instead and that’s fine, too.

I’m Finally Addressing the Stomach

Jun5

 I finally got so fed up with my large girth that I’ve started a serious program to counter it. My arms and legs, also my ass, appear to be normal-sized, but my stomach looks like I’m a couple of weeks away from giving birth. A wonderful miracle at my age, to be sure. But because it’s both visceral and subcutaneous fat, it’s simply gotta go.

The thing that pushed me right over the edge was finding a cute dress that was perfect in every way, except for one area. Yes, the stomach. So now I’m going to try to avoid sugar and flour and see what that brings. God knows the alcohol’s staying, as that’s as necessary as oxygen to this carcass.

I don’t think a soul’s looked at Mom’s property, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Now I want it to take forever to sell so that I can use it for a vacation home. God knows I’m hoping it’ll be unsold at the end of September when the Ya Ya’s are having a reunion. I believe Renate’s unavailable due to just coming home from Europe at that time, so it’ll just be the five of us.

The iffy part’s the accommodation, which is at Mary’s house in Osoyoos. It means sharing rooms and that’s one thing I’ve realized is not good for my sleep. Some poor person is going to be on a hideabed in the living room, and another sad soul has to go outside the house up a set of stairs to sleep on a cot in Mary’s bedroom. Sounds glam, right?

I think you can see why I’m willing the stars for Mom’s place not to be sold so I can drive over there and sleep like a log. It’s a strange venue when we’re all retired boomers with means, but whatever. I said I’d prefer a nice Airbnb somewhere in the south Okanagan, but the others went hell no, we want to bunk up and have a pajama party. Jesus.

I discovered tubi.com so am now watching old movies such as Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Midnight Cowboy, The Stepford Wives and many more. Some I’m watching for the second time, hence I haven’t seen them in 50 years…. Perhaps I should be trying to get with the more recent times, but honestly when you haven’t seen a movie in that long it seems new.

My nice neighbour Jim came over with his saw and tried his best to fix the awful-looking fence I had built. He managed to get all the tops even which helps a lot, but it’s still an ugly fence. I wonder what a person does with something so hideous? Years ago, I would’ve gone berserk over something like that, but either thanks to age or alcohol, or both, I’m able to shrug. Oh well.

As you know I’ve been working on my second kids’ book featuring Louie and Frieda as dachshund detectives. The other day, just before the deadline for the kids’ book writing contest, I realized what I’d typed the day prior hadn’t been saved. I then worked for nine hours straight so that I could hope to recall the changes that I’d made. By the time I had my submissions ready for the contest I was a wreck. Cocktail, please.

My grandniece River posted something on TikTok that netted 6 million views and 1 million likes, and she said maybe I would do well with the mutts. I’m sad to say I have an Instagram account that I might remember to look at once a month or so, hence I have low expectations as to how I’d fare on something like TikTok. But hey, I’ll sign up and give it a shot because it might be a fun venture.

Mom’s Property is now For Sale

May8

 Mom’s property is now listed, so please check it out: https://brandongrass.com/listing/10385279
I’ve spent days there fixing things up and trying to make it all as adorable as possible. When I describe it to people it seems most appropriate for dreamers. Because it has the larger and smaller homes, plus the 100 feet of private lake, the possibilities are endless. I feel embarrassed by the price, but this is what the realtor felt was the right one, so okay.

Calvin had another successful birthday party here on Hall Road. His friends are all so nice and I feel flattered they’d want an old bat to hang out with them. Of course I have much worse habits than any of them do so they’re probably all thinking ‘Jesus, can ya dial it back a bit, lady?’ Boomers – we’re still stuck in the 1970’s.

Calvin had ordered Korean chicken, half of which was delicious and the other half was so hot some people couldn’t eat it. I, however, had foolishly taken three pieces of it, and damn it, I was going to eat it if it killed me. It nearly did, and I’ll spare you the details of the following morning. Suffice to say Calvin also agreed next year more of the honey soy and less of the Incinerate Yer Esophagus variety.

I’m thrilled to announce I’ve found a wonderful, talented illustrator for my series of three kids’ books featuring Louie and Frieda. They imagine themselves the detectives of the neighbourhood and constantly misunderstand clues and do funny, damaging dachshund things along the way. The first one is being illustrated right now, and the second book is soon to go to my editor, so the series is coming along.

I never in my life imagined I’d enjoy writing kids’ books, but the dogs are naturals for hilarious hijinks. Many of the things the dogs do in the books are real-life experiences I’ve had living with the breed. They’re not called ‘the comedians of the dog world’ for nothing. If you have kids, I hope you’ll order The Low-Down on Crime when it comes out.

Louie’s now 13 and his teeth are in such bad shape the young gals who do the non-anesthetized dog cleaning won’t do his anymore. He’d have to go to the vet and go under to have them done, and at his age I wonder if it’s wise. He also went to the special eye vet, and she noted the little growth on his eyelid and said given his age we should probably leave it. Then added “of course if he lives to 18 we’ll be mad we didn’t do it.”

Sigh. Life’s filled with choices we aren’t able to make. Then we make a decision, and it’s wrong, so we become paralyzed. Did I say “we?” I meant me. You’ll recall I decided to sit on the stage for Guys and Dolls, which I then did, and it was non-threatening. It was fun to be sitting there and thankfully I wasn’t asked to perform a song or a dance, so it was the right choice to make this time.

Sylvie came for Happy Hour (actually dinner) and I made chicken skewers with pineapple and green pepper. I learned a trick for improving chicken breast meat which is to marinate it in a bit of oil mixed with a teaspoon of baking soda. It actually turned out very nicely; then a few days later I made the old Ina Garten panko-crusted salmon for Marie and I for lunch.

Cooking and baking are what I do to help me remain calm. When Mom’s listing first came out it had errors in it which caused a useful frenzy of pineapple upside down cake, cookies and brownies.