Tag Archive | nuttier-than-a-fruitcake

I’ll Be on Stage

Apr23

 I’m not sure why I say yes to these things, but I must have some kind of secret desire to scare the beJesus out of myself. I got an email saying we see you’re attending Guys and Dolls at Actors Studio on Saturday, would you like to upgrade to seats on the stage? It alleged one would be part of the experience. I thought sure, why not? Then asked Sharon if she wanted to upgrade and she said, “God no, think of all the shit they’re gonna make you do.”

I then panicked and phoned the theatre, and said what does being part of the experience actually mean? The nice young man explained I’d be on stage, but would not be asked to sing or dance, but that the actors would “interact” with those of us in these seats.

Again, much pondering. So I asked AI what does interact mean, and they explained in the play there are a couple of times where we are part of a café scene, or else in a gambling establishment. The actors will sing and dance around us and we have to act casual…. AI said don’t look at your phone or look bored, as if that would be any part of my thought process when in front of an audience.

I immediately perused my wardrobe for something appropriate, but the dress I want to wear doesn’t really warrant any kind of hose, given it’s sleeveless, so instantly smeared self-tanner on my legs. I’ll wear a nice medium platform heel and take a clutch rather than a purse. Perhaps throw on a small bolero type jacket in case it’s cool. This will be an experience alright.

In the meantime, my cat Iris has lost big patches of fur due to over-licking. I had the vet examine her, and she said the cat’s nerves are shot. She grilled me on what is going on with the cat, and I said honestly nothing is different. Perhaps she had an encounter with a coyote that I don’t know about, but other than the unknown, all is normal. But the vet said we have to be vewy vewy quiet around kitty.  Shhhhh.

The vet also explained the cat may need to go on Gabapentin twice a day if it doesn’t resolve, so we’re kind of leaving the cat alone in the hopes she stops the obsessive licking. Before that she’d also need skin scrapings and blood tests, so until all of that occurs, we’re going to try to keep the cat from any upsets.

I got a wonderful email from the Okanagan Regional Library saying my book Nuttier than a Fruitcake will be in the system! So I can use that bit of news if I ever bother to move this carcass and get into small bookstores to see if they want to carry it. At this moment, no marketing at all is occurring.

And that’s largely because of all the prep work in getting Mom’s property ready for sale. I was there on Sunday working extremely hard, and again Monday morning as the videographer came. It was a sunny day, so I hope the video, drone and still photos all turn out well.

Phyllis and Mary came for lunch at Mom’s house on Tuesday and said it was just as shiny as a new penny, if you remember pennies. Anyway, very clean and tidy. The deck was all nicely vacuumed by me, and the lake piece was finally cleared of debris and decently decorated. Luke had actually cleaned out the garage and taken a lot of crap to the dump.

My religious friends are all praying for me to sell the house quickly. The realtors open house will occur pretty soon, and right after that the signs will go up. May the Muse of Selling descend upon me.

Beautifying Mom’s Property

Apr9

 I had to do all the things on Mom’s property that I hire people to do on my own. Nearly killed me. I was there for four days over Easter, painting, cleaning, planting, pruning, decorating, all in an effort to get the place looking as lovely as it can be. I feel quite satisfied with the interior, and I have Trent, a friend of Luke’s doing paint touch-ups on the exterior.

What I’ve found tremendous fun is gathering the adorable things I want to put on the lake piece. I’m getting Trent to paint the deck and I’m going to put some hanging pansies on the giant wooden wall our neighbour has erected between properties. I’ve also bought a giant colourful umbrella, matching pillow, and tin signs for the bar Luke and Calvin constructed.

I told the realtor I need at least a day’s notice prior to the drone, video and photographs because I want to fix everything up. I plan to put two glasses and a bottle of wine on the bar, and I have a cute blue and white tablecloth to give it that totally French country look. The goal is to build the fantasy in the buyer’s mind, right?

Sadly, the worst of it all is the perimeter of Luke’s house as well as the garage. Both give the opposite effect of the lake piece, one of oops, you’ve accidentally crossed over into a garbage dump. It’s not what I want at all, and neither does the realtor.

I made everyone’s favourite breakfast casserole, the one made from toasted croissants as a base, and then you add bacon, cheese, and an egg and milk custard. Leave it overnight in the fridge and bake the next morning. Everyone weeps a bit as they’re eating it. I also made those naughty chocolate, peanut butter and fruity marshmallow squares. Again, much blubbering from joy.

I went into the Osoyoos Museum with a few copies of Okay, I’ll Bite along with Nuttier than a Fruitcake as they had invited me to do so. I was thrilled as I’d forgotten all about marketing and that reminded me, oh yeah, you have to market these books if you expect them to sell.

That then got me back into seeing where else I might flog them and happened across the Okanagan Regional Library which allegedly stocks local authors. In any case I applied, so maybe? Even if they don’t, I can use the Osoyoos Museum and the 15 five-star reviews on Amazon as I drive around trying to sell my wares.

I’m reverting to my childhood as I now have several Barbies all nicely dressed and held up in special holders so that I can sit and admire them. You probably don’t know that in the 1950’s and 60’s Barbie’s clothes were influenced by couturier designers like Balenciaga, Dior and Chanel. They were hand-sewn in Japan and used real zippers, finished linings, and real leather and suede accessories.

I’m fortunate to have a few of these beautiful clothes and I also inherited several from my friend Bobbi. I have her Barbie dressed in a black strapless gown called Solo in the Spotlight, made in 1960. I know you probably think I’ve finally lost my marbles, but no. It’s more a trip down memory lane but with lovely vintage things.

Or perhaps an escape from the next big hurdle since I conquered probate: sell mom’s house!

A Very Bad Hen

Sep19

I had three black Araucana hens, two of which died, one by a predator, one from unknown causes. The one remaining hen, who I named Condoleezza, lays the beautiful blue eggs for which the breed is renowned. However in April she went broody for about four months recently snapping out of it and now again this stupid damn hen is at it again. She sits on useless eggs that’ll never hatch and of course then doesn’t bother to lay her own.

I’d just been proudly handing out blue eggs to people like Trevor and Elsa, but now we’ll have to wait months for more of them. I know, I could get another Araucana or two, but then if they also like sitting on the nest all day it wouldn’t be worth the gamble. I’ll just eat the other hens’ more normal coloured eggs and put up with this idiot of a chicken.

I need to renew my passport as Margaret and I are off to our beloved Yucatan in February, and I said to Calvin I decided to just get the paper copy and do it the old-fashioned way. He said he had to do it that way himself, given despite having a Bachelor of Computer Science, he couldn’t bust the Government of Canada website to do it online. So if he can’t do it, no one can.

And speaking of technology that could cripple a Boomer, I’m now waiting for Trevor to format my memoir, Nuttier than a Fruitcake, in preparation for its launch on the Amazon book site. Then we still have to meet to fool around with pricing, and I’ll have to write some preamble or other, and hopefully with God’s good grace, we can have an ISBN by September 30.

Why September 30 you ask? Because the Canadian Book Club awards require a submission by that date, and they have memoir as one of their categories. Vain and impossible, I know, but I’m doin’ it anyway. I’m going to enter my book and see what happens. Stranger things have occurred, right?

Mom remains a handful and mainly because she still believes she’s the queen. I was there a couple of days ago, and Luke and Jan came for dinner as usual. No one but mom wanted dessert, and at that point Luke stood up and said his back hurt and he wanted to go home. Jan was surprised he was leaving but then left with him.

As mom was chowing down on the prune cake with whip I’d made, she decided to get pissy, and just as Jan was going down the stairs she called her back. I waved Jan on. Then I came in and said what did you want to tell Jan? Mom said I want to tell her never to leave the table when someone is still eating. I said well from now on, unfortunately, things like that will occur and you won’t be able to control them.

Mom’s still scared shitless of dying, too, so that kind of hard control of everything makes life very difficult. She worries about so many useless things that at 100.5 years of age, one would have hoped she would have come to terms with them. She’s no Buddhist, I can tell you that for sure.

Meanwhile I revel in simple joys, such as learning how to make a nice yeast dough for the aforementioned prune cake. I’ve been frightened of yeast in the past but just decided to take the bull by the horns and give it a try, and then what happened was a lovely, fluffy bottom crust. As I said if you don’t try you’ll never win. Fingers crossed for my book.

The contest won’t announce anything until November, so I’ll have to try to be Zen.