Trust me on this, but it’s really hard to write a witty blog when you’re in a very bad mood.  The reason for this is my inability to shed even one ounce after trying the Atkins diet for the past four days.  I had decided that drastic measures were required for blubber reduction, so thought this would work. 

I went on-line and researched the diet’s requirements.  I’ve been on this diet before, but that was about thirty years ago, so could vaguely recall the butter, bacon, whipping cream, etc.  I went out and stocked up on all the fat that they recommended, then went about eating it. 

For breakfast I’d have two or three eggs fried in butter.  Lunch would be a can of tuna mixed with full fat mayo on two cups of lettuce.  A mid-afternoon snack would be half a pound of cheese; dinner a pound of meat with a vegetable.  A bedtime snack might be a few rashers of bacon. 

At 4:00 AM the other day I woke up with the worst heartburn.  I thought back to the bacon I’d eaten a few hours earlier and realized it was the cause.  Thank God for Gaviscon, is all I can say.  However this, as well as the general revulsion I feel toward this type of eating, has caused an abrupt change of heart. 

Now I’ve decided that a low-calorie diet is going to be much better.  I will return to the Weight Watcher’s principles, and hopefully to God that will work.  Sadly, the breakdown always occurs around 7:30 PM.  That’s when my thoughts turn to President’s Choice Chocolate Chunk cookies. 

Another reason for being in a very bad mood is the inability of stores to pay up for their Christmas fruitcake purchases.  It’s really disheartening the number of letters and e mails I have to send to ask them to pay for something they sold long ago.  Isn’t that just the height of rudeness? 

However it’s probably a good thing in a strange way, as it motivates me to find alternate customers for my product.  Of course my dream is to be a totally web-based mail order business, but that takes a long time.  Not sure what will take longer – to be rid of this fat or to have found a better way of selling. 

I go to the gym five days a week, and when I add up that time commitment it equals an entire work day!  It takes about fifteen minutes before and after the one-hour classes to drive there and get dressed.  So this is 1.5 hours five times a week, which equals 7.5 hours, or a complete day of work.

I guess that’s just what one must do if one is a behemoth.  Although I also go because I simply adore all of the women with whom I chat before and after class.  And, being self-employed, it adds a structure around which I can build my day.  Otherwise, I would be aimlessly lying on the couch, reading.

I’m happy to say I’ve been somewhat more inspired to write lately.  I wrote a couple of short stories, and now have a list of writing contests so that I have deadlines to work toward.  If I can keep writing and submitting, perhaps someone will find my brand of humour funny, and I will be rewarded.

Certainly a cash prize of some type would help around here, considering the amount of food that Nicky consumes.  The other day he came home from the gym, downed a big glass of milk, then grabbed a beer and went downstairs.  You’d think that combination alone would kill a person, but nooooo.

The other night he had a dinner of a large chicken breast, huge pile of rice drenched in butter and two vegetables.  As soon as he had finished that, he buttered a large homemade bran muffin and slathered marmalade on top.  That was immediately followed by a salad bowl filled with Froot Loops and milk.

This was the appetizer.  As soon as he had eaten the cereal, he toasted four pieces of thickly cut bread and spread the toast with a massive amount of peanut butter and sliced bananas.  At that point I went to bed so I have no idea what might have occurred after that.

I’m currently enjoying an e mail relationship with a nice woman who contacted me as a result of reading the Province article that appeared last March.  She wants to start some type of home-based food business, and so has been asking me for advice.  I’m very happy to help her, though as I spell out what I do, and why, and how little I make, it kind of does make me wonder why I continue.

Although it’s kind of handy to be asking myself why I started and why I continue, as I’m trying to write a memoir about the fruitcake experience.  I believe I have a small insight, as I think it’s due to loving challenges and having a great fear of boredom.

And speaking of a great way to fight boredom, you must go and see Avatar in 3D.  I went yesterday afternoon, and I have to say I didn’t notice the 162 minutes go by.  Most of the time I felt much like I did when I saw Phantom of the Opera on stage: I felt like screaming from excitement the entire time.  Now that’s how you relieve boredom!

I’m not sure why, but over the past two evenings I’ve found it necessary to consume a 550 gram package of President’s Choice Chocolate Chunk cookies.  If Dr. Oz knew he would have a fit, as he thinks even one of these is poison, so 36 of them would horrify him.

It probably just goes to show us that Dr. Oz is a lily-livered jam tart who should break down and eat bad food once in a while.  Certainly his friend Oprah appears to be porking back the mashed potatoes and gravy with little guilt.  At least I have the decency to feel conflicted about my habits.

However, here’s a rare good habit I’ve recently started, though I find it very difficult.  I got an electric toothbrush, as per my hygienist’s suggestion.  Have you ever tried one?  It literally feels like a mini jackhammer is inside your mouth.  Toothpaste that you foolishly smeared on the mini brush is spread throughout the bathroom.

I’ve now learned that you put the toothbrush inside your mouth before turning it on.  This cuts down on flung toothpaste.  Then, as your entire head is vibrating, you move the brush around, hoping to get all areas.  Who knew that the inside of one’s mouth could be so ticklish?  This is one of the things I find really hard to get used to.

The other day I was idly flipping through Lifestyle, my favourite section of the Globe and Mail, and saw a recipe for Seville orange marmalade.  I raced right out and bought six oranges, and yesterday I made a batch.  Have you ever tasted a Seville orange?  They’re filled with seeds and membranes and a bit of pulp, and the tastes reminds one of Ipecac.

Ipecac was used to induce vomiting, and though I have never ingested it, I imagine its chemical composition is closely related to that of the Seville orange.  I don’t think I have tasted a more bitter food.  Funnily enough, though, both Denis and Nicky really liked it.  I guess if you like bitter tastes, like beer, you would probably like Seville orange marmalade.

No special taste buds were required for the lunch I brought for my friend Liz and her mom Liza.  We had scallops and shrimp in a white sauce made with wine, and for dessert we had apricot fools.  I made apricot sauce last summer and froze it, then mixed this with whipped cream.

When I described the fools to the women at the gym the other day, I’d said something like, “You know, you combine whipped cream and cooked fruit.”  To which one said, “No, I don’t know.  In fact, I’ve never made a fool in this lifetime, nor do I think I made one in my last lifetime.”  It helped me realize that not everyone races into stores to buy Seville oranges or try new recipes.  Pity.

I’m happy to report that I’ve managed to lose two pounds in the last week!  It’s been quite hard, as I want to eat Bridge Mix, lemon meringue pie and glazed donuts.  Instead, I’m eating Red River cereal topped with 1 percent milk and Splenda.

More good news is that Luke left on Wednesday for the oil rigs.  He drove off at 7:00 AM and phoned at 7:00 PM saying he was at the rig, and at work!  As the rig is five hours out of Calgary, I don’t even know how that is possible.  However, he did it without killing himself, so that’s the main thing.

He then phoned me on Saturday to tell me that he earned $1600 in the three days he’d worked!  It’s pretty hard to justify staying in the low-pay capital of Canada when he can go to Alberta and make so much.  Of course he has to work all night, so that’s no picnic, but I just think of all the money.

And speaking of people with money, yesterday I asked Nicky if he and Taya were going to be here for dinner. He said, “No, we’re going out for dinner.”  Sigh.  I haven’t been out for dinner since I don’t know when, but as we all know I need to save my money for tuition and cars.  And not my tuition or cars, either.

There’s no point in griping, as I have some concrete plans for the business that will hopefully reap some benefits.  For one thing, I’ve already sold some fruitcakes due to my monthly newsletter.  All of the fruitcakes are on sale, as I want to get new labels, and want to be rid of everything I have on hand.

Next, I’m going to speak at all Rotary Clubs as I want to get the word out that I have a great product for corporate gifts.  Another goal I have for 2010 is to market to more gift stores.  My friend Phyllis said my product is ‘too good’ for grocery stores, and though very vain on my part, I have to agree.

Not because the product is so great (though it is) but I think a smaller store allows more customer contact.  Would you pick up a box of something unknown, especially fruitcake, and buy it without knowing more about it?  Yet this is what people have to do at Buy-Low Foods.

So, I’m going to take my product out of the Buy-Lows, and stick with the smaller specialty groceries like Quality Greens in the Okanagan, and Urban Fare in Vancouver.  Then I’ll expand my network of cozy small gift stores where the staff are knowledgeable about each product and help customers buy.

And in the meantime, I’ll eat nothing but those tasteless foods recommended by Dr. Oz.  After all, I don’t want the Rotarians or gift store owners wondering why a behemoth is bothering them about fruitcake.

Pity the poor bank tellers and others who have to decipher forms with dates like today’s date: 1/10/10.  Or should that be 10/01/10?  However, I’m stymied easily enough by my own life so don’t need to add more puzzles to it.

Nicky’s been driving around with summer tires.  When I pointed this out to him and told him to get winter tires, he grunted.  A couple of weeks ago, after it had snowed, I said to Denis, “Doesn’t it worry you, being the Transport Safety Inspector and all, that your son is a hazard on the road?”  He grunted.

Imagine everyone’s surprise on Monday when Nicky piled into the maple tree at the bottom of our driveway!  His precious, newly re-built car was a smoking mess.  Denis and Luke went out and helped him tow it up the driveway and into the carport.

For the next two days, all I saw was Nicky attacking the car with some sort of an electrical tool, sparks flying out behind him.  Once he’d cut the fender off, he went on-line and decided the car could eventually be fixed.  But, this will take a while, so you know what happened, don’t you?  His car is tarped, and now sits beside the tarped Nissan van and the broken fridge.

Thus began a whole week of angst on Nicky’s part as he needed to bum rides like a real student does.  He didn’t like it, and managed to wheedle a thousand dollar Honda Accord out of Denis!  Don’t even get me started.

Then Luke came home and announced that he and his co-workers are all being laid off in two to three weeks.  I felt terrible for him, but it was short-lived.  Once again The Boarder came through, and Luke may soon be off to Alberta to make his fortune in the oil patch.

I could never have predicted 2010 would see yet another vehicle come into the yard, or that Luke would be leaving for Alberta again.  Life is so funny that way, isn’t it?

More predictable is how the fat remains no matter what one does.  I just finished reading the book, You! On a Diet and am trying very hard to do what Dr. Oz says.  If for no other reason than he is just so adorable.

I got a couple of panicked phone calls from people who had blithely skipped into the stores to pick up fruitcake, only to find that they’re no longer available.  I delivered one to a nice man and six to a dear woman who said she and her mother were addicted to them.

I find it’s better to avoid topics such as Dr. Oz’s book when making small talk with these customers!

Thank God all of the ‘season’s greetings’ are behind us!  I had a large salad for lunch today and am slowly feeling my blood sugar levels return to normal.  There are still a few Quality Street chocolates and After Eight mints left, but I’m forcing myself to stay away from them.

Most people are wise to the old, ‘oh, here’s a few cookies I made for you’ gag after Christmas. They know you made them weeks ago, and that you’re now trying to pawn them off to avoid diabetes.  We also still have a few blubber-building cookies around but I  was quite fortunate to be able to unload a couple of dozen in Osoyoos.

I drove down last Wednesday and mom, Gerry and I met three other friends at the new Watermark Resort in Osoyoos.  We had lunch in their very upscale wine bar and all remarked that we felt as though we were in Manhattan.  The food was great, and the ambiance really unbelievable.

The next day I made one of Gerry’s favourite foods, steak tartar.  It’s really just raw hamburger, but that sounds so foul, doesn’t it?  I also made herring salad, which mom loves.  Try that out the next time you’re having someone over.  “We’re having raw hamburger and herring salad.  Would you like to come?”

Actually, the herring salad is quite good, but only if you like pickled herring.  The herring is chopped up and added to cooked potatoes, diced beets, chopped hard boiled eggs and pickles.  Then you add mayo to the whole thing.  Think potato salad with herring and beets.

I drove back to Kelowna on New Year’s Eve and did the usual: I was asleep by 9:00 PM.  Denis had had to greet the New Year on his own for the past 23 years, so is quite used to it.

One of my resolutions for this year is to stop being resistant to things I’m already committed to doing.  For example, I’ve told the whole world that I want to build a fruitcake business.  It is therefore both stupid and counter intuitive to fight with myself about going downstairs to start baking.

Plus the method for getting me to do things has got to change.  Every time I do something difficult I can’t go to Winners and buy something.  I’ve put myself on a strict austerity program, so there will be no more shopping going on around here.  There simply has got to be something I can do that’s as rewarding as buying useless stuff.

As soon as I find this magical thing I’m going to write a book and make a million dollars.  Or, should I perhaps just stop fooling around and write?

In last week’s blog I had written that the season had pretty much wound down.  How wrong a person can be!  On December 21st I received orders totalling 200 fruitcakes.  Because I hate to be prepared, I was packaging and delivering for the entire day.

By December 22nd  it was all over, so I used the time to hit the stores early and do the last bits of shopping.  It’s so easy to get help and be able to do things if you’re in the stores just as they open.  I did hours worth of shopping in mere minutes.

Then, like every year of my life, on December 24th at 5:00 PM the balloon went up, signalling the beginning of Christmas.  Mom and Gerry arrived along with their poodle, Schwartzie.  We sang Christmas carols around the piano, which I played rather poorly, as always.

While eating hot shrimp h’ors d’oeuvres and sipping wine we opened a pile of gifts.  Gerry particularly liked a U-shaped pillow I got him for the flight to Nicaragua, but which he decided to use immediately.  He basically kept the pillow hung around his neck so that he was able to nap at the drop of a hat.

Nicky gave Denis a wide assortment of specialty beers, all individually wrapped.  This amount of beer instantly put Denis into a good mood.  In this mood he decided that drinking half a bottle of gin was a good idea.  However, on Christmas Day he looked a lot like the characters from the movie, The Hangover.

We watched that movie on Christmas Day, so it was very fitting.  When the camera pans in on the dentist who wakes up minus a tooth, that’s what Denis looked like.  He was kind of sweaty, pasty-faced with red-rimmed eyes and tousled hair.

Nonetheless, we were all able to consume the turkey dinner I’d made.  The dogs also got a bunch of turkey, which they certainly don’t need.  All three of them are obese, but dachshunds always try to convince you that they need more food.  They have baleful eyes which makes it really hard to say no.

However, I believe from the girth of everyone that it’s probably time to say no to the kind of consumption that’s been occurring over the past week.  It kind of reached its peak on the evening of Christmas Day. 

On Boxing Day I got up and was puzzled to find a frying pan with badly burned food in it on the stove. When Nicky got up he proudly announced that he’d made himself French toast the evening before. 

This was after having a huge plate of turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberries, yams and Brussels sprouts.  For dessert he ate half a chocolate orange and half a box of Pot of Gold chocolates.

Unfortunately, the entire family is off for the next week, so I’m planning to go to Osoyoos for a couple of days to get away from it all.  Then they can drink beer and eat kilos of food without me having to witness it for 48 hours.

You’ll recall that last week I was ever hopeful that Phil Johnson would come out here and do the morning show.  I couldn’t cajole him into it, but I did have a very funny and long interview on Wednesday morning.  He started out by telling the listeners about some wretched site called the I Hate Fruitcake Hate Page.  He then went on to quote rude suggestions for uses of fruitcake.

After his rant, my first words were, “Do you always bait guests before you have them come on?”  We then went on to discuss why my fruitcake is actually edible, and he very kindly had two staff members comment on-air about how much they love it.

AM 1150 has quite a large listenership, so sales were good in the Kelowna area as a result.  I was also contacted by someone from the Lions Club because they sell fruitcakes for fundraising.  I’ve tried some of their so-called fruitcake, and they really do need a new product.

On Friday morning my fruitcakes and I were mentioned again, this time on and off for two hours on Phil’s show.  He was auctioning off two pairs of Olympic mittens with the money going to the Food Bank.  I had dropped off a couple of fruitcakes after the Wednesday interview, so he decided to add them to the mittens for the successful bidders.

I was then thrilled to get an order for 100 more fruitcakes at the Quality Greens in Kelowna, as well as another order from my friends at Discover Wines and Okanagan Grocery!  Media is just so important to the small business person.  There’s no way I could’ve afforded that much radio coverage.

However, in spite of those orders, things have definitely slowed as we get closer to The Big Day.  This has allowed me to bake my gramma’s cookies and do some Christmas shopping.  It’s all so difficult these days, as everyone has everything, so it’s almost impossible to think of stuff to buy.

Not surprisingly, many of my gifts are homemade food items.  As many people no longer make beautiful delectables, I find a homemade product is always welcome.  For mom’s 94-year-old boyfriend, I’m going to make chicken liver pate as well as some of his favourite cookies, the Zimtsterne.

Zimtsterne, or Cinnamon Stars, are to-die-for delicious cookies.  In the past two days Nicky and I have easily eaten 48 of them.  The recipe’s in my December newsletter, and you should really try to make them as people adore them.  There’s something about the chewy quality, as well as the cinnamon flavour.

As the 2009 fruitcake season draws to a close, I’d like to wish all of you a wonderful Christmas, involving all of your favourite people and things.  Eat, drink and be merry!

Twelve days remain before Christmas, and I plan on imbibing: 12 Spitzbuebchen, 11 Zimtsterne, 10 shortbread cookies, 9 cups of egg nog, 8 butter tarts, 7 pieces of fruitcake, 6 bottles of wine, 5 chocolate truffles, 4 marzipan chocolate bars, 3 Kahlua and creams, 2 boxes of Lowney’s chocolate cherries and a Stollen.  Kidding.

The strangely spelled words in the previous paragraph are German, as you probably know.  The first two items on the list are cookies that my gramma made each Christmas, and now I make them.  She was born in 1899 and learned to make them from her mother, so the recipes are very old.

And then of course Stollen is that German raisin bread that’s filled with marzipan.  This must be eaten accompanied by a cup of coffee and then you get ‘zee whole experience!’  I can say that because of my heritage.

Suffice to say by January I’ll be thanking God I have my size 12 – 14 clothes to fill.  Maybe by February I can return to the 10 – 12 range, but we’ll see.  You’d think from the nervous prostration caused by the fruitcake business that one would lose weight.  Much to my chagrin I’ve found that not to be the case at all.

Here’s something really spooky:  I know how many fruitcakes I have on hand.  The basement is under complete control, and I’m totally ready for whatever happens.  I’m not sure what it all means, and I’m a little worried.

However, here’s something that may be happening which would blow all of my organization out the window.  Phil Johnson, the host of 1150 AM’s morning show e mailed me that he’d like to come out and do a show from here!!  I hate to even mention it because it may not happen, but if it does, look out.

They’d just have to ignore the fridge which is still out in the yard, as well as the tarped vehicles.  I guess we’d have to muzzle the two small dogs, but Arnie would be okay because he’s deaf and blind.  Once in the basement the crew would have to be careful not to slip as they walk over Nicky’s clothing.

I want all of you to think positive thoughts so that this will happen.  I really want to be kibitzing around with Phil, live, on the radio.  Can you imagine the traffic that would be driven to the stores carrying my fruitcake?

Now I just have to put it out of my mind for the remainder of the day as I continue to bake my German Christmas cookies.  I always make them for my sister-in-law Margaret, my brother Freddie and his wife Wendy, and of course my sainted mother.

The other day the women at the gym had to point out to me that I was wearing two different earrings!  That pretty much sums up my ability to concentrate these days.  Fortunately, sales are going well, but I’m almost going crazy right now trying to keep up with everything.

Last week Marilyn and I baked 340 fruitcakes in two days.  That meant a full day of follow-up to process all of them.  I also did a few hours of fruitcake sampling on Saturday at the Quality Greens store here in Kelowna.  It was a bit livelier than the one I did for them in Penticton the week before.

At the Penticton store there were two women in their 80’s.  One told me a story about how years ago she’d made fruitcake.  She put it in the cupboard and after three weeks decided she’d better go and check it.  When she did, she found that it was all moldy.

She then sampled my fruitcake, thought for a moment, and then said, “I should give you my recipe.”  To which I slowly said, “yeessss” but wanted to say, “But I don’t want a reciple that makes moldy fruitcake.”  The public is always so interesting.

You’d think that someone who goes to the gym as religiously as I do would be somewhat thin, but such is not the case.  We’ve been in a bit of an egg nog mania around here, which is very bad so early in the month.  It doesn’t bode well for the week around Christmas itself.

However, I’ve always used food as medicine during stressful times, so it makes sense.  As you know, I’m almost completely helpless when faced with those Lowney’s maraschino cherries and syrup in chocolate.  Most people run screaming from them, but I’ll eat an entire box in an evening.

I’ve managed not to buy one yet, but if this insane ordering keeps up I’m going to have to get a few boxes.  Yesterday I had an order for 4 cases (96 fruitcakes) which I then had to put in their little white boxes.  Two hours later, I was ready to drive them down to Quality Greens.

That would’ve been fine, had someone not ordered fruitcake with no chocolate, so I had to bake those as well.  Then there were the on-line orders that had to be packaged, addressed and driven to the post office.  For some perverse reason, however, I can’t seem to stop marketing.

I sent samples to a journalist in Vancouver, so we’ll see what happens.  As well, the kind women at Discover Wines here in Kelowna will be interviewed by Mike Roberts of CHBC-TV this Thursday.  They’re featuring a mulled wine with my fruitcakes, so that will surely drive sales.  Oi vey!