The women at the gym find most of my stories quite amusing, and today’s description of how I ended up with shoulder impingement from a mammogram was another one of them.  The great part of it was the look of horror on the twenty-something year old girl’s face as I described the incident.

It was basically the same story I told the chiropractor on Thursday when I arrived with an immobile arm and painful shoulder.  He asked what happened, and I replied, “Mammogram.”  He looked puzzled and quizzed me about what other things I might have done to cause it, but I assured him I’d done nothing else, and it was the mammogram that had done in my shoulder.

This morning at the gym I mimicked the movement of a person’s arm for the mammogram and said to the women, “You know when you grab the bar up here, and then wham!” and at this point I slapped my hands together vertically and horizontally to demonstrate the action of the plates.

This was when the twenty something year old winced, but the older women were laughing away merrily over the recollection.  I said I guess as I was holding my arm at an odd angle I caused a muscle strain and subsequent inflammation.

The chiropractor did the usual, he nearly killed me.  He had me lie on my back, and then massaged the horribly sore front of the shoulder area until I said, “If you keep doing that I’m gonna punch you in the face because this is so painful I can’t stand it.”  He just laughed, but one of these days, Pow!  Right to the moon, Alice.

But speaking of other-worldly behaviour, another story eliciting great mirth from the women at the gym was the sad tale of my blind date last Friday.  On Monday everyone asked how it had gone, and I replied, “Good, until he got the impaired driving charge.”

Isn’t that incredible?  Most people try hard to be on their best behaviour on a first date, but then everyone’s different, I guess.  When you’re slurring, it’s not that attractive.  I was stone cold sober, looking at this person and thinking there won’t be a date #2.

After he dropped me off (I was glad to make it home alive) I said to Nicky and Luke, who were both downstairs, “Interesting.  That man is totally impaired, yet driving off on a Friday night that also happens to be Halloween.”

I guess I was never so surprised by a message as the one I received when I got home from the gym on Saturday morning.  The man said he’d been charged with impaired driving and is car was impounded!  Oh my God, I laughed all weekend.

You know what I’m like around stuff like that.  Mom says I have the worst Schadenfreude of anyone she knows.  But really, when you’re 60 years old and still driving drunk I don’t know if you should expect anything but laughter and derision from people when caught.  I certainly wasn’t sorry to hear another drunk driver’s been removed from the roads.

Louie and I were out for our daily walk the other day when we ran into a nice couple and their chocolate lab.  The man said he’d grown up with four or five miniature dachshunds, and said they were red short hairs.  He said “One of them was just like a badger, eh?  If you even looked at him while he was eating he’d come at ya like this” and he demonstrated with teeth bared and hands made into claws.

I told him about my three short-haired dachshunds, and what vicious animals they were, and said how completely different Louie the long hair is.  Whereas the three short-haired hounds would race to the door, hackles raised, ready to attack, Louie races to the door wagging his tail and ready to accept any friend or burglar who might show up.

And what a thrill this little dog’s going to get on Friday when Nicky returns home from Taiwan.  Do you remember how I told you in July Nicky was off to teach English for a year?  It turns out he didn’t like it, and is homesick, so there you go.

So that ends my time of peace and quiet on Hall Road.  It was short-lived at four months, and you’ll recall I completely re-decorated the basement, thinking he’d be gone for a year.

The theme of the basement is feminine and largely white.  I cleaned everything out of his bedroom and re-decorated it into a guest room.  The living room couches were hauled to the dump and a lovely brocade couch and chair were bought.

The bathroom fibreglass stall was torn out, and I had tile setters build a new shower stall and I bought a darling white ruffled shower curtain for it.  The curtain hooks are porcelain daisies.  It’s all just adorable.

Never mind.  I’m sure four months away plus living with a room mate for the first time in his life have taught him something about keeping a place clean.

Remember last week I told you I have to visit a massage therapist regularly to get rid of sciatic joint pain?  Now I found a chiropractor who I think is going to do a better job and I’ll go to him instead for a few treatments to see if he can get rid of it.

I like his methods, as I Googled SI pain and what can be done, so when he did what I’d read about, I felt reassured.  None of it feels very good, but I think when the pelvic bone is completely immobile it’s going to take some work to get that thing loosened up.

He had me lie on my side, and said to lift my leg toward my chest.  He then slammed his body down on my side, springing back mightily and almost hitting the wall.  He said, “Wow, that’s a lot tighter than I thought!”  I said eleven years at the gym seems to have produced a body of steel.

I screamed several times and when I left to pay the receptionist, who happens to be a pal from the gym, she said, “Were you screaming?  I heard screaming.”  I said, “Yes I was screaming because that hurt like a son of a bitch.”  But I’m okay with it as I think it’ll help me in the long run.  We’ll see, won’t we?

Because I’m an old cripple I now have to haul my carcass into massage therapy regularly.  If I drive for over an hour my right leg is in so much pain I have to grab the thigh with my hand while I’m driving and try to focus.  So now I see a lovely young woman who does evil, painful things to my muscles, and yet I return for more.

I don’t know what part of her body she’s using as of course one is face-down.  It feels sharp, so maybe she’s leaning on my back with her elbow, silently mouthing the words to the music playing softly in the background.  Sometimes I gasp out the words, “Oh my God, this is so painful”, and her reply is “good.”

But I suppose this is why one gets out of the wholesale manufacture of fruitcakes.  The boxes of fruit, flour and sugar weigh a lot coming the house, and then the fruitcakes weigh a lot leaving the house.  This is why I have to attend the gym like a religious fanatic attends church.

On Thursday the Woman’s Place Gym had their annual fashion show, so Kathy and I went.  We met at Moxie’s for a drink, and arrived right at 6:30 when the doors opened and we got our seats.  They had appies and wine, and a draw for gifts.

Each time I walked past the ticket box I put my name on another card and stuffed it in. I think I must’ve had at least 8 tickets in there, and there were a total of 120 women at the event.

I don’t know if this is the Power of Intention, or ballot box stuffing, but I won a $50 gift certificate to a chi chi clothing store called Bella.  Oh what I could do at thrift with $50.  I think I’ll be wandering around Bella for a long time.  Fun!

Margaret was here for a few days and we shopped like mad fools at all of the thrift stores.  I got a brand new pair of never worn Naturalizer brown flats for $5, and they’re fab with my one dollar Simon Chang jeans.  It’s always hard to go wrong with Simon Chang.

I thought this was brilliant, as I made a stuffed turkey for Margaret and me the day before she arrived.  Then the next night I just made mashed potatoes and vegies, and warmed up the turkey, stuffing and gravy.

The next day after our morning of shopping we came home and had another turkey dinner for lunch.  That night I ponied up a pork dish for a break, but the next night we had turkey dinner again.  Margaret had a bottle of wine that night and was hungover, so she had turkey dinner for lunch so she’d have the strength to get on the plane to fly home.

I then drove to Osoyoos and mom said we were  going to the Best Western for their buffet dinner, and of course it was turkey as it was Thanksgiving.  I don’t think I’e ever eaten so many turkey dinners in my entire life.  I loved it though.

I remember when both kids were born, and they still had somewhat real food in the hospital.  I always ordered turkey dinner.  It’s so comforting anyway, and especially after giving birth it’s a reminder that even though you’ve been through Hell, there is turkey dinner at the end of it all as reward.

You know how I’m always buying stuff at thrift stores, and that’s because so many things can’t be bought there, so it helps balance things out.  For example, my muffler fell off and had to be replaced, the washing machine is on its way out, as evidenced by the loud squealing noise, and the dog was just at the vet’s for removal of spear grass from his ear.

I’m happy to say I belong to a family of thrift store shoppers as mom and I found out last weekend when we visited Freddie and Wendy in Maple Ridge.  The girls, Sunny and Julie, came over with their husbands and children, and we all had a merry old time.

In conversation it soon became apparent that scouring thrift stores is what Schillers like to do.  We come by it honestly as my dad liked nothing better than to roam the Osoyoos dump, looking for treasures.  We still have the silver sets he found dumped by old Mr. and Mrs. Horner’s kids.

But really, the spear grass removal was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever agreed to.  The vet said he’d have to put the dog to sleep, and so I had to fast the dog and bring him into the clinic at 8:30 AM.  Then the girl said to pick him up at 4:00 PM.

I said why, for spear grass removal??  And she said well after anaesthetic they like to watch the dog, so it’s better to leave him there.  When I picked him up he was three quarters dead from the anaesthetic, and it was a ten second procedure.

Next time the animal shakes his head and holds it to the side I’m going to call a friend to hold his head while I get a flashlight and tweezers.  I’m certainly not spending over $250 for damned spear grass removal again ($130 for anaesthetic, $75 for the exam and $35 for the ten second removal).

The dog threw up mightily all the way to Maple Ridge and back so he’s quite a delicate little fellow.  However once we got there it was fine as he could race around on my brother’s huge lawn, right on Whonnock Lake.  There are only five houses around that lake so it’s really beautiful and quiet.

It’d just been Sunny’s 38th birthday a few days prior, so we had a birthday dinner complete with a carrot cake made by Julie and there were a few gifts, too.  Sunny has two girls, Journey and River, and they’re 6 and 3 so they enjoyed romping around with the mutt.

Once we got back to Kelowna mom headed off to Osoyoos, and I got back to the matter at hand.  I’ve got fruitcake orders looming, and a lot of baking to do.  And can you believe it, just as I’ve decided to get out of wholesale baking, a lovely chi chi store in Toronto contacted me.

John Mastroianni of Pusateri’s Fine Foods telephoned and asked if I baked wholesale, and I said I just got out of it or it would’ve killed me.  I said if and when my daughter in law ever gets here, and if she wants to learn the fruitcake biz, we may go to wholesale again.

In the meantime I’m happy to continue lovingly hand-producing fruitcakes for my loyal followers.

Last weekend I had a lovely visit with Beverly and Lori, two pals who were also teachers of the deaf.  I wonder if we have common personality traits and that’s why we chose that profession.  We have some common traits for sure, and one of them is we were born to shop.

We started at my favourite store, the Helping Hands, and we proceeded from there.  By the time we arrived home, after visiting four thrift stores, we were all carrying precious purchases that made us very happy.

They left smartly on Sunday morning, and Louie came in from the yard and started vomiting like crazy.  I thought what the heck?  After about seven times and his stomach was empty, he sat out on the deck.  I was looking at hime from the side and realized his lower left lip and jaw were swollen and deformed, Nutty Professor-style.

I looked at his lip and saw what I think must’ve been a wasp sting, as there was a red bite mark.  I looked this up on-line and it appeared he may have had an allergic reaction due to the vomiting.  However after an hour or so, despite being swollen he didn’t act sick so I thought I’d walk him.

That was a mistake as a block away I ran into a neighbour and the dog started vomiting up white foam.  I explained what happened.  She said, “Oh dear, he doesn’t look very good.” I then had to pick up the nearly 20 pounds of solid little dog and carry him back home.

On my way I was chuckling at how my pets only ever need a vet when the regular clinics are closed and one must go to the emergency vet.  I know the drill.  You phone for an appointment, and the girl tells you due to your own dumb luck, you must pay $100 just to enter.  And then of course regular vet fees apply from there.  Of course.

But on the site it also said Benadryl would stop an anaphylactic shock, and it said that’s likely what the vet would give the dog.  I thought why not just the antihistamine myself?

I got into the car and raced to the drug store, envisioning the dog succumbing to anaphylactic shock, praying he’d be alive, and fortunately he was.  I gave him the Benadryl and an hour later the swelling was completely gone.

I got the usual stink eye from the young pharmacy assistant as I said “Where is the children’s Benadryl?”  She pointed it out for me and I said, “Now this is for a 20 pound dog, what amount do you think I’d need?”  The insecure assistant said snarkily, “I do people medicine, not veterinary medicine.”

So to be annoying I stood there and read the back aloud and said “Oh that’s fine, see here it says for a baby of this weight, I need this amount.  That’s perfect, thanks” and went to the till.

Now with the nearly $200 I saved from curing the dog myself, I can really go to town at the thrift stores over the next few weeks.

When I moved to Prince George for my very first job as a teacher of the deaf, I was a fresh-faced 24 year old, crazy with excitement about what the North might have to offer.  It was a very interesting five years, and I can honestly say that town taught me how to drink.

At the same time a woman named Marilyn arrived for her very first teaching gig as well.  Naturally we became fast friends and I’ve kept in touch with her ever since.

Last week she was on her way through Kelowna to Cranbrook, so she spent the night here.  I asked her if she still remembered the night I made spaghetti with green sauce and she replied she’d never forget it.

It was some disgusting pesto sauce, made with basil, pine nuts, garlic and olive oil.  I think, as that was 36 years ago and I’ve never made it again.  For accompaniment I made Margaritas, and we began the evening with a whole can of snails.

Escargot was all the rage at that time, thanks to the Keg, so I bought a can and stuck them into individual shells along with a pile of garlic butter.  I felt a bit sick doing it as some of their antennas and underbellies were hideous and repellent.  I closed my eyes at times.

Anyway, I made the 36 escargots and after we’d each eaten 18 we went on to the spaghetti and basil sauce.  All of this was washed down with endless Margaritas.

The next bit is fuzzy, but I recall a young twentyish male neighbour from upstairs, who we’d somehow coaxed into our lair, saying we should all head downtown to a club.  I thought this was a marvelous idea so off we went.

That was a Friday, and I was so sick that I was hungover for two days.  Finally by Monday morning I was able to get up and dress and head out to teach an adorable group of kids.

I’d forgotten that Marilyn only endured it for two years and then she had to get out of Prince George.  I made it a whole five years there, so I feel quite hardy.  In those days, the winter temperatures were routinely minus 35 degrees with a lot of snow.

And tomorrow Lori and Beverly, two more teachers of the deaf formerly from Prince George, will be arriving for a weekend visit.  We’ve all known each other for 36 years and have kept in touch.  I think it’s likely due to the bonding one has to do in such a harsh environment.

I still laugh whenever I think of the identical pair of cowboy boots Beverly and I bought at the Woolco.  They were completely treadless, hence a stupid purchase for the frozen north.

One night after we’d drunk ourselves into a stupor someplace, we were walking along the sidewalk to my apartment, and I was wearing the boots.  I started slipping on some ice and grabbed Bev.  I pulled her down and she fell, yet somehow I remained upright.  I still remember how mad she was at me for that.

I’ve realized that Value Village is a bit of a rip-off and I’m a bit wary of the Salvation Army’s prices so now I mostly shop at a bunch of smaller thrift stores.  Not only do I shop at them, but I do it on the days items are 50% off.

Today I got two pairs of sandals and a purse for $8.50.  Now that’s more like it.  At The Village one might get a single item for that price.  However I have to hand it to them for good house wares, as I got a Braun coffee grinder there for $5.

I now have ten pairs of black sandals, and then it goes on from there.  You know, five each of brown and navy, a white, some multi-coloured, etc.  I need to move my summer foot gear into another closet and bring out the fall and winter stuff.

But honestly, when a pair of leather shoes in pristine condition is $3, it seems crazy not to get them.  Perhaps a good side line for me might be to sell some of this excess on E Bay.

I finally broke down and got out my fruitcake boxes, started to count them and the labels, took inventory of what I have on hand, purchased some pecans and generally made stabs at getting started for Season #11.

It’s incredibly freeing not to have to worry about providing high volumes to stores any longer, because as you know all of my sales are now going to be from my website.  I feel kind of bad for the stores’ staff as I know what I’m like when I get used to an item and it’s suddenly not there.  Perhaps they’ll kindly direct customers to my site.

I spent quite a bit of last week trying to help Luke with his and Jan’s immigration situation.  I was able to speak to our MP and he said he would look into our case, which is very nice.  Jan had to sign a consent, get it notarized, then courier it here.  All very costly for what I’d think is a straight-forward immigration matter.

But we found out that it can take up to 30 months IE 2.5 years for Jan’s application to get processed through Singapore.  Luke was just notified last month he’s been accepted as a sponsor, so that means sometime around February 2017 we may see Jan in Canada!

I was all excited to be going to my good friends the Lynchs’ daughter’s wedding on Saturday, but woke up at 3:00 AM and then developed a migraine.  I spent the entire day feeling really sick, and on top of that, very disappointed.

Migraines and kidney stones appear to be the scourge of my elderly existence. And when you think of how little I drink due to intense hangovers, and how much I exercise, sleep and my passable eating habits, you really have to wonder.  It’s got to be some dreck karma leftover from a previous life.

Catfishing is the term for being scammed by people who pretend to be someone they’re not on social media.  You’ll recall my two instances of it on that dating site, but I did find one good use for the catfishers’ e mail addresses.  I use them on those sites that ask if you want to subscribe to a newsletter.  So I figure that helps even out my karma a bit.

The other week I had to take my car into the garage for some work, so I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.  I thought why walk the dog, then take in the car and walk home alone, when I can drive there with Louie and we can walk home together.  I think it’s something like 5 or 6 KM.

Once I’d handed over the car, Louie and I proceeded to walk along Springfield Road with cars zooming by.  He’s a rural dog, so wasn’t really accustomed to so many whizzing vehicles.  However he trotted along on his leash, and we crossed and walked along busy Benvoulin Road.

There’s no sidewalk so we walked in the bike path and then I was glad to turn off onto little Fisher Road and then over onto KLO Road and prepared to cross the little bridge over Mission Creek.  It’s a metal walkway, and Louie balked, but there’s a solid strip that runs parallel to the road, and though he was reluctant, he walked on that.

Suddenly he decided to jump through the fece and was on KLO Road, on the bridge.  I immediately tried to pull him toward me, but he did that thing dachshunds do so well.  He put all his weight into all four paws and hunkered down.

Because weiner dogs are shaped like pencils, I easily pulled the entire harness off the dog.  Now he was running loose on a busy road, and I was standing there, arms raised, stopping traffic in both directions.  I was calling the dog, who paid no attention whatsoever.

Thankfully two nice young men in a jeep were stopped at the corner of Spiers Road and opened their doors and called him.  He ran right over, hoping for petting, and they held him as I put on his leash.

That was heart stopping.  When I’m running after him he thinks he should run faster and faster.  Hurray!  What a great game. I of course feel like murdering the dog.

A couple of days ago there was a thud in the sun room and I saw Wrecks the cat peel out of there.  I opened the door and saw a large black squirrel the same moment Louie did.  He raced into the room and the squirrel was trying to escape and was hitting all four corners of the room with all its might.

Again the dog wouldn’t listen as I screamed “Louie! Louie!” and so I had to go and open the sun room door fully, and hope the squirrel wouldn’t fly into me.  Once I’d done that I retreated to the living room, and then heard the dog emit a long scream.  I thought he must’ve been hurt and looked out only to see him high tailing it after the squirrel as it made its way out of the room.

He then spent the next 90 minutes pacing into and out of the sun room and looking up into the trees, and generally exhausting himself.  At 8:00 PM I had to pick him up and carry him inside where he vomited four or five times.

You know how marathoners and other athletes get sick after a lot of exercise?  He then slept like a log and was fine the next day.

My dad used to make a beautiful concoction, and I believe it was very similar to a French pudding called a clafoutis.  Julia Child has a recipe for cherry clafoutis in Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  I tried it with cherries, which are traditional, and have to say I prefer my dad’s way, which is to use peaches instead.

Dad’s clafoutis was made in a pan on the stove, but the real clafoutis is made in the oven. My dad put ripe sliced peaches in a pan with butter.  He then made a dough of eggs, flour, milk and sugar, and poured that over the fruit, and then let it simmer until firm.  Delicious!

The French clafoutis is similar, in that one puts the fruit in a baking dish, pour the batter over the fruit and then bake it in the oven.  I first made it in Osoyoos when Jim and his new boyfriend Brian came for the weekend, and everyone seemed to like it.  I served it mighty hot though, and decided next time it needs to be warm.

I made another peach clafoutis for Marilyn, who came for lunch last Sunday.  I hadn’t seen Marilyn in two years, and she’s the great friend who used to work in my business, Rucastle and Schiller Workskills.  She also worked for me at Nuttier than a Fruitcake, and rented one of our houses downtown for 11 years until she was displaced by Denis himself.

For Marilyn’s visit I tried sprinkling a package of vanilla sugar and brown sugar over the top after it came out of the oven.  Then I served it warm with whipped cream and Marilyn really liked it and asked for the recipe, which I figure is a good sign.

On Wednesday Luke phoned and said he had a few days off between oil rig drills, so was heading home and would be here in time for dinner.  He’d already invited his friend Tyson over, so I phoned Denis and invited him too.

I had bought some cherries so thought oh what the heck I’ll try the traditional cherry clafoutis today for something different.  That was a mistake, as the cherries don’t get all nice and soft like the peaches do.

As you may know, Luke is renting the pink house in mom’s orchard as his home base when he’s not working, so he headed right down there on Thursday morning.  I was glad for the peace and quiet as I’d had too many peach martinis the night before.

Before he left I struck while the iron was hot and asked him if he might help an old lady with her large property and implored him to weed whack around the vegetable beds for me.  He looked surprised for a moment, but then composed himself and said why sure.

I walked the dog, and when I got home it was done and he was already heading south, without a good bye as usual.  I guess he just thinks I’ll figure out he’s left on my own, and of course he’s right, it’s just odd.  However, I shrugged, as the job was done and that was the main thing as it’s too hard for me to do.

I went down there with the dog and decided to weed near the beds and sure enough I managed to grab a wasp and was stung between my index and middle finger on my right hand.  As I was sick already, I took this as a sign, and headed straight into the house to lie down.

My guest bedroom has been fire engine red for about 15 years, so last week I decided to paint it a shade of gold.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to remove the valance or mirror, so decided my best approach would be to leave that one wall red and say I wanted a feature wall.

The painting didn’t go too badly, except for the overall body pain after I was finished.  But I like to think of the money I save whenever I embark on these projects.  And besides a few bits of paint in the wrong places, it looks quite nice.

I need a bed table for that room, so I went to my fav thrift shop, the Helping Hands in downtown Kelowna.  They had a couple of bed tables, but they were too large, and instead I found an original water colour, all nicely matted and framed, which I bought for $20.

The sticker on the back showed the original price of $420, so I felt quite happy with that find.  I hung it in the newly-painted room and it looks great.  I still need to continue to hunt for the bed tables so imagine the stuff I’m going to end up with!

Petra and I, along with her sister in law Cheryl, had lunch at the Harvest Golf Club last week and I had the most delicious martini.  It was made with peach-flavored Absolut vodka.

I raced out and bought a bottle and would recommend it highly.  It’s delicious mixed with orange juice and still tastes very peachy.  Unfortunately it’s one of those highly drinkable concoctions, so I have to be careful because a hangover is always lurking, waiting to pounce if I make one wrong move with alcohol.

Another thing I’m loving right now is a series on Netflix called Cosmos: a Space Time Odyssey.  It’s so interesting and really helps a person to get a grip on their very, very small worries.  When you think of the billions of galaxies out there, you can take a lot on the chin and go, “meh.”

Today the tile setter’s returning for the final day and then I’ll have a lovely new shower downstairs.  As you know I had a disgusting glass-fronted stall and it was horrible after 15 years of hard use by the kids.

I was hoping to get the whoop de doos out of my driveway from the tree roots this year, but may have to wait until next year for that project.  Anyone who’s driving into this yard knows the pronounced heaving of asphalt due to the many pines.

Those crazy people, the Lynch’s my friends from Vancouver, came through town the other day so I asked them to take their daughter’s wedding gift for me.  I’m going to the wedding next month, but didn’t want to transport the gift, which happens to be a case of wine so is heavy and unwieldy, plus should be kept at a decent temperature.

How was I to know they’d arrive in their tiny pick up truck, and then proceed to put the case in the back in full sun?  I e mailed the kid and said look, you’ll probably have vinegar by the time you open this, but it’ll be a very high-end, gourmet vinegar.