I just went on an interesting archeological expedition.  I decided as spring’s just around the corner, it’s time to get started on cleaning the house.  I began with one of the lazy Susans in the kitchen, and found it fascinating to see how my mind works when in the grocery store.

I see that I must have had a strong interest in making lemon meringue pies, judging from the boxes of Shirriff lemon pie filling, yet I’ve never made one in my entire life!  There must also be something that compels me toward Taco kits, though I’d have to say it’s at least ten years since I last made them.

I got rid of a lot of expired dreck that will never be eaten.  But it’s actually quite hard to do as I do the same with food items as I do with clothes.  I put the item on the pile to be thrown out, then I pick it up again, and go no.  These herring fillets in curry sauce don’t expire until December and surely someone’s going to eat them.  No-one will, of course, so next spring they’ll sadly go into the garbage.

I was a huge fan of the Monkees as I was 12 when they hit the scene, and as we all know, that’s a very formative time in a person’s life.  I was therefore very shocked and saddened to hear that Davy Jones died the other day.  He wasn’t my favourite, as I was crazy for Micky Dolenz, but I loved Davy too, tiny as he was.

Who doesn’t like belting out the words to Daydream Believer when driving along?  I watched their weekly television show and would sing along to the theme song: “Hey hey we’re the Monkees, and people say we monkey around…..”

My friend Barb Barker and I rehearsed the walk down the halls of Osoyoos Elementary Junior Secondary School just like the four of them did at the beginning of their show.  I actually sent away for, and received a signed photo of Micky.  Whether it was machine-signed or not, I treasured it.

Do you recall the Mark Twain story of Tom Sawyer painting the fence?  You’ll recall Tom managed to inveigle his friends to come and do it for him.  I was able to observe a tableau vivant of this the other day.

I had asked Nicky if he would please remove all dog feces from the yard and rake all the pine needles. He gave the standard reply:  I will.

A few days went by, and then he announced that Ryan and Taylor were coming over to do some yard work.  Sure enough, the three of them worked for two hours, and the yard looks fabulous.  They did really, really annoying things like rake into my beds, but I said nothing.  I  thought as long as I don’t have to do it, I’ll cope with all of the busted tulips later.

I said to my mom maybe the B.A. in psychology is paying off for Nicky after all.  I mean really, he was smart to get two guys, who work for landscapers for God’s sake, to help him and as he has no money, and I said I certainly don’t have any, he must’ve found some profound arguments in order to make them come and do it.

So you see, a B.A. in psychology does have very practical applications.

I enjoy running around town acting like a complete eccentric.  For instance, last week I was at Buckerfield’s buying dog food.  A woman became briefly distraught as she thought she’d lost her car keys.  I told her and the clerk that I avoid that very fate by keeping my keys safely in the ignition.  Both women appeared horrified, and weren’t sure what to say.

Imagine how conflicted I was to see that the Dragon’s Den team was in Kelowna again, scouting for businesses.  Now that I’ve decided I want to be a small, artisan, on-line food business I have to keep reminding myself of my new goal.  But you know what a publicity hound I am, so appearing on that show would be somewhat titillating.

Margaret, who’s a marketing maven, is currently staying with me.  She’s touring around this area for her new contract to do social media for Tourism BC.  She’s teaching people my age how to use Twitter and all of the new social media.  You can imagine how relieved people are when they understand it and can use it.

Are you watching the Republican primaries?  I’ve watched quite a lot of them, and must say, I sure enjoy seeing the weak group of candidates on the far right.  I like to imagine President Obama, giggling at the gaffs played out for all of us on the nightly news.

Last night Margaret and I were in Osoyoos for mom’s 87th birthday.  There were eight of us for dinner.  As I said to Nicky when we arrived back home today, Margaret made the mistake of a novice, and is now paying for it, as this was her first experience with mom’s dinner parties.  Nicky just shook his head and chuckled.

We’ve all experienced it, so we know exactly how it can occur.  For example, the evening began at 6:00 with champagne.  Then with dinner there was both red and white wine, and Margaret drank several glasses of each.  When she asked me to open another bottle of wine for her at midnight, I knew trouble lay ahead.

I had wisely stopped drinking earlier on, as I know there’s no way I can keep up with mom or her guests, which included the mayor and local MLA.  I learned long ago that I’m a total lightweight so I don’t even try.

I made a couple of new appetizer recipes, one of which was okay, and that was crab cakes.  Then for dinner Jerralynn made steaks with giant prawns and asparagus, and Hollandaise sauce on top.  I’d made mom’s favourite rum cake for dessert.  I think even the cake can cause hangovers because the rum’s added after it’s baked.

Needless to say it was a long drive back to Kelowna for Margaret this morning.  I just thank God I’m okay.  And can I confess something?  I can’t help but feeling like gloating over my new-found prudence.

I need it, as I’m off to Toronto at the end of April to hang around with Alison, my pal since primary school.  I have a feeling there won’t be a lot of opportunity for me to gloat on that trip!

Larry the handyman was over last week to do a small project for me.  As this is an old farm house, the kitchen had one of those built-in ironing board cupboards.  I had a large china cabinet in front of it, but it always bothered me, as did the old, cheap wallpaper behind it.

So after nearly 22 years, I decided oh what the hell, and called Larry in to get rid of it.  I wanted to match the paint to the living room walls, so had to make three trips to General Paint, but was successful  in the end.  Now I just sit and stare lovingly at the wall.

Larry, who appears to be around my age, got married last year for the third time.  I’d told him about my situation when he was here doing another job, so the other day he asked how things were going, and I said they were going great.  I said, “Ya know, Larry, I’m neither bored nor lonely.”

He said he was both bored and lonely, and hence was glad to have found his third wife.  I said that’s the trouble with men, they just can’t be alone.  I think women are much better at it.  Though of course as I’m still living with an adult child, how would I really know?

And speaking of which, Denis and Nicky have driven to Sylvan Lake to visit Luke.  That’ll be Denis’ first trip to see Luke’s house.  I made two batches of cookies for them to take, and stuck in a note saying I’d fly out in May or June when the weather’s better.  I don’t find Alberta in the winter much of a draw.

Do you ever see this ad on TV?  I think it must be for a bank.  The person says, “I want to stop paying bank fees” or whatever, and some deadpan, wise-ass retorts, “Then stop paying bank fees.” This is basically what appears to have happened with my ‘business plan.’

The other day I was thinking, “I wish I could have a solely on-line business” then some voice came back with, “then have a solely on-line business.”  And I thought, of course.  I have to return to the roots of the matter, which is the handmade, artisan food angle.

This would allow me to be very creative.  If I want to make a new product for the stores, I have to pay for a label to be designed, labels have to be printed, a lab has to analyze the ingredients and a new nutrition information label has to be made.  A new bar code has to be ordered.  Can you imagine the cost to get a new product to the stores?

But if on my site I decide to sell a new product, and package it very simply, who will care as long as it’s gourmet quality?  If I get bored (doubtful) I can make cookies and sell them for a few weeks, or whatever.  You see the possibilities for me here?

So in order to break stores in gently, I mentioned in this month’s newsletter that I’m going to curtail wholesale sales.  That way, I can produce less, and enjoy it way more.  Now I just need to get very busy with social media to get people to my site.

And as you know, I’m an idiot with social media.  The learning curve’ll be steep, and once again, no boredom possible around here!

I find unless I make a conscious effort to remember something, I forget it immediately.  The worst thing is when I think of something I have to do just before turning off the light to go to sleep.  I don’t want to get up and write it down, so I have to grasp for other mnemonic aids.

What I now do is place the Ped Egg, which is always on my night table, onto the clock radio.  Then when I wake up and see the Ped Egg, I know I have to remember something important.  It may take me a while to recall what it is, but it helps to know I’m supposed to be remembering something.

Last evening I went out for chicken wings at a pub near Kathy’s house.  She was there along with our other friend, Sharon.  I drank two nice glasses of Gray Monk Gewurtz in the two hours we were there, and ate the wings.  Then when I got home, I thought oh what the hell, and had a small glass of wine.

Well!  Six Advil and one Gravol later, and I’m able to sit up and type.  I think it’s probably time for me to admit I’m as delicate as an African violet, and just stop drinking.  How  brave of me to have persevered for so long, eh?

Okay, one or two glasses is now my maximum, as when one lives in the Okanagan Valley, going without wine just seems foolish.  One of my fav’s, and one which you can probably only get here, is a Gewurtz made by Okanagan Vineyards of Oliver.  I think it’s around $8.00, which is crazy cheap.

Just so you can walk a mile in my shoes, I’m going to list the debris left behind from a 24-hour eating extravaganza of Nicky’s.  This isn’t unusual, by the way.

There were empty boxes of Viva Puffs cookies, sweet and salty granola bars, President’s Choice granola bars, a medium-sized bag of potato chips, a large Orange Julius cip, Snack Pack pudding containers, a can of ravioli with a spoon standing upright in the empty can, and a squeeze bottle of Golden Syrup which Nicky said he just likes to drink.

To keep costs down, I also bake.  I made a banana loaf, extra large bran muffins and tried a new recipe for apple sauce muffins.  All of the home-baked goods are eaten the day they’re made.  And still, the hunger continues unabated.

I e mailed mom that I hoped he didn’t contract some sort of worm while in the Caribbean, as he remains as tall and skinny as Ichabod Crane.  I’m eating Lean Cuisine for lunch, and can grab handfuls of lard around my stomach, so don’t feel any of this is fair.

I was happy to receive an order from a local women who wanted one of each of the things I make.  I delivered then to her house, and she gave me a tip for the delivery!  Some people are so nice.  Then I also received a call from someone going to visit her sister in Vancouver and she wants to take some products to her as well.

Thank God I work from home, is all I can say, as I would not do well in an office today.

I just had one of those ‘friendly’ discussions at the all-women gym.  The topic of exercise and weight loss came up, and I pointed out that you can exercise all you want, but until you stop stuffing your pie hole you’re not going to lose weight.  Of course, there’s always someone in the crowd who wants to argue with me.

One of the members said, “I’d gain weight if I didn’t come to the gym.”  I said if I never came to the gym, and ate very little food, I would lose weight.  I told her I have come to the gym, eaten like a horse, and remained fat.  It was only when I joined Weight Watchers and stopped shovelling in the calories that the fat came off.

Of course I’m a strong proponent of exercise, and would never stop doing it.  But facts are stubborn things.  You can exercise all you like, but if you’re eating like Kirstie Alley, you’re going to end up resembling her in short order.

As you know, I’m trying to gather information from mom so I can write her biography.  Whenever I go to Osoyoos I make her tell me another two or three pages’ worth of things that happened.  That’s the easy part.  The hard part will be turning it into something readable.

And now another person is trying to write her own memoir, and asked if I would help her with it.  I met Ilona 20 years ago when Susan and I started Rucastle and Schiller Workskills, Ltd.  Our first contract was to help new immigrants find jobs.

Ilona and her husband Lajos were among our first participants.  She was a pharmacist and he was a television journalist in former Yugoslavia.  We somehow managed to finagle a job for her as a pharmacy tech at a local drug store.  I hadn’t seen or heard from her in 20 years, and on Sunday she called me.

She said she’d had a brain tumour removed last year, and had survived in tact and wanted to tell her story.  So we meet for lunch at Joey’s yesterday and I gave her whatever tips I know from my own writing project.  I told her to start to write, send it to me, and I’ll edit it for her.  It could be an interesting experience.

A nice woman named Tracey came to talk to me for a study she’s doing on behalf of the Economic Development Commission.  When she phoned I immediately tried to get out of it, as I said I don’t know anything that will help.  However, she said piffle to that, and made an appointment.

She arrived at the appointed time on Monday afternoon, and proceeded to ask me questions for their survey on local businesses.  It must be so disappointing for her to hear answers like this to normal questions.
Tracey: Do you have a business plan?
Me: No.

I always find it hard to explain the business.  I just said to her if I would devote myself to it, it would be a huge success.  But I said I also have to go to the gym, write, work in the house and yard, cook, and go to Osoyoos to visit mom and Gerry.  Give me Martha’s staff, and I will rule the world!

You’ll recall that the vet said the dog was too chubby and I was given a special diet food for both of the dogs.  I’ve been giving it to them for the past week, and they don’t like being on a diet at all.  They used to get their dinner at 5:00, then it was 4:30, then 4:00 and now I can’t feed them any later than 3:30 or my nerves would go.

Mojo starts at 2:30, and as I’m sitting here typing she stands beside me, whining.  It’s so pitiful yet so annoying as the dog’s still really stout and doesn’t look at all like she’s starving.  It kind of reminds me of when the kids were small and whined for nothing, and I almost went insane then, too.

I went to the airport on Friday night at the appointed time to get Nicky from his trip to the Caribbean.  He’d only been gone three weeks, but when I saw him I hardly recognized him.  He was very tanned, his hair was blonde, and he was super thin.  Apparently sleeping and living on a sailboat day and night is a lot of work because he said something always needed fixing.

On Saturday morning I handed Nicky the digital box from Shaw Cable, and it began.  It seemed straight-forward, but nooooo.  By 5:00 PM we concluded the last of four long calls to Shaw, and voila! I now have HBO, movie channels and Deutsche Welle, which is fab.  Now I can work on my German whenever I feel bored.

I received one of those e mails that makes me want to vomit.  A customer said the Okanagan Harvest Cake she’d bought was disappointing because it seemed overdone.  I felt sick.  I replied that I’d bring another over immediately, and did so the next day.

Then the nice woman replied that this one was perfect, as all previous ones had been that she’d bought over the years.  That was good, but I still feel sick about others that were made the same time as that one that are obviously dreck as well.

However, by the next day I had an e mail from a woman who’d ordered for the first time at Christmas, and wanted to order four more Totally Decadent fruitcakes as she said they were so fabulous.  So that was gratifying.

But that’s why I find the artisan food business living hell.  I just don’t know how much longer my nerves are going to be able to take it.  I mentioned it to a nice woman at the gym who suggested I should try to sell it.  But then I get all crazy and territorial thinking about it, so obviously it’s not the right thing to do yet.

Another woman from the gym took the time to come up and tell me she’d tried the chocolate bark for the first time at Christmas and loved it so much she’s sorry she tried it!  I said well look out because at Valentine’s more will be for sale out in the front office of the gym.

In the meantime, I’ll just cast my fate to the wind.  Besides, I have other more pressing concerns.  I have dinner to prepare for a 22 and a half year old who shows no signs whatsoever of leaving his sainted mother’s home.

I finally forced myself to make one of those unpleasant calls you put off because you know it’ll be horrible.  I was sick of the stupid channels I get, so I phoned Shaw and inquired how I might get movies.  It took two calls, a long time on hold each time, and caused quite a bit of confusion.

I explained it to my mom like this.  Let’s say you still have one of those old rotary dial phones.  Then you hear about all this new-fangled stuff your phone can do, so you call Telus.  They start getting excited about all of your different options, but the sad thing is when you try them, none work.  That’s because the Telus person is like the Shaw person I initially had.  They can’t understand what you’re saying to them.

The poor girl I dealt with second finally said, “But how DO you get your channels?”  I said, well I point this remote at the TV and then I click. 
But do you have the Shaw remote?
What Shaw remote?
It all became clear to the girl and she went, “Oh my God.  Okay, step 1, you need our digital box.”

Who knew?  Now I’m going to have HBO and other cool stuff and the kicker is that it’s all for $25/month less!  Why I was scared to make the call, I’ll never know.  Or do I?

On Friday night I have to go to the airport to get Nicky.  He’s been holidaying in the Caribbean since the end of December with his best friend and the friend’s parents.  They have a sailboat, and it’s moored in Grenada, so they’re sailing about down there, having fun I’m sure.

I’ve become quite accustomed to the quiet life without the ubiquitous dozen large males in the basement, hooting and hollering.  However, what can I do when he returns if he refuses to move up north for a job?  I think that’s the place for all young people starting out.

When I got my degree as a teacher of the deaf in 1978 my first job was in Prince George, and it was a great learning experience.  Living in Prince George in those days really proved the adage, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It’s sad for young teachers, but when I started teaching at King George V Elementary School, Fridays at 4:00 found the majority of the staff at the bar.  New teachers who didn’t go were looked upon as jam tarts.  Nowadays teachers don’t dare to have any fun, ever, even if newly arrived in the reeking ice cave called P.G.   Pity.

I took Ricky to the vet to have his teeth cleaned, which was the usual soaking: $550.  Then the vet’s assistant gave me a bag of special food and said Ricky’s overweight and needs to go on a special diet.  Both Mojo and Ricky are chubby and it’s bad.

But we’re all grossly chubby, and it’s all very bad.  What to do?  In about two days I’m going to be lying on the couch, watching movies and interesting TV, and blocking out all of the negative vibes.

To avoid becoming as weak, shaky and confused as Ozzy Osbourne, I’ve been working on reducing my alcohol intake over the past while.  The body and brain just can’t process as much anymore.  I’m sorry to say, but at my age it’s time to face the fact that I can’t party like it’s 1999 for the remainder of my life.

But here’s something absolutely fantastic that happened as a result.  Now that I drink a very small amount of white wine, I can buy nice bottles of local products.  Last night I had a couple of glasses of a Gehringer riesling that was like a little bit of Heaven.

After 22 years of continuous use, the Beam built-in vacuum packed it in.  The repairman said it appeared to have been here decades prior to that, so it certainly didn’t owe anyone anything.  I now have a lovely new one, but at $700 it should be wearing a faux leopard skin coat or something.

Even as I type this the nice junk removal man is here getting rid of a pile of stuff on the driveway.  I can’t stand having refuse in the yard, though it’s a losing battle.  Most of the detritus on that pile is due to Nicky and his projects.

I don’t know why, but so far every single day of 2012 I’ve felt wild with excitement.  I read that excellent book, The Wealthy Barber Returns, and I’m suddenly all pumped with the idea of saving.  How someone who buys everything second-hand can save even more, I’m not sure.

There’s a show about cheap people on TV, and I enjoy watching it and perhaps will take some lessons from them.  Liz reminded me the other day of how we really were on the cutting edge when we were washing paper towels during lunch hour back in grade three.

Another show I watch from time to time on that same channel involves brides looking for a wedding dress.  The thing I love is that the brides are often close to 400 pounds, and they invariably choose a strapless gown.  I think I would’ve been an excellent, involved spectator at the coliseum in Rome.

Here’s an interesting thing that happened recently.  As my memory’s shot, I’ll quickly write something onto a note pad, so that I’ll remember it later.  I was on my way out this morning, and remembered a couple of things I wanted to do upon my return and jotted them down.

When I got home, I read the first word on the list, “Petersen.”  I spent about two hours wondering what in the name of God in Heaven Petersen meant.  Finally, a eureka moment.  Petersen is the local plastic surgeon with whom I have to make an appointment to see what can be done about this face.

Even though the body can be improved with fitness, and the face can be improved with a scalpel, nothing can help the memory.  It appears even words written onto a notepad no longer work, so that’s an interesting and somewhat alarming development.

But as with all challenging things, we boomers simply have to adjust and roll with the punches.

The fates are begging me to write my book about how I started this stupid business, yet I continue to ignore them.  Over the years, I’ve had a few people contact me and ask me questions about how I started.  I’ve always been willing to help and never ignore or refuse anyone.

Then today I got a nice e mail from Beverly Bruck.  She’s David Bruck’s wife, and he’s Gerry’s son.  Gerry is mom’s significant other.  There is no short cut for me to explain this relationship to you.  She would therefore be my step sister-in-law if on some Polynesian Island built on a complex matrilineal system.

Anyway, she said years ago a friend of hers was casting about for what to do with her life.  As it happened, Beverly had received an article about my business from my mom, and showed it to her friend.  As a result, the friend started an on-line cake business, too!  Hers is called Aunt Bea’s Wine Cakes, based in Virginia.

When I received that e mail, and realized I’d influenced a person’s entire life with my story, I thought this has to be a sign for me to write my memoir.  But I’ve talked of it many times before, yet for some ungodly reason, I won’t do it.  Why? 

I won’t even bother to put “stop procrastinating” on any list of resolutions, as I know I won’t do it.  One thing I’m doing that’s new is giving the dog one glucosamine and one fish oil capsule daily for her arthritis.  I don’t think that counts as a resolution, though.

I had a really nice phone call from an elderly woman who’d bought my fruitcake at the Wine Museum downtown.  She said it was very good, and she wanted me to know how much she’d enjoyed it.  It’s strange, but these calls almost always come on days when I’m mulling over how to sell a fruitcake business.

And these thoughts are crazy, as the business is finally in the black.  I’ve worked out all the kinks.  I have a set of steady customers.  But I think it’s normal to feel sick of a fruitcake business in January.  It’s the same way a farmer feels in the fall, I’m sure.

One thing that happened unnoticed by me was the closure of all the video stores.  At Christmas I thought it’d be nice to rent some movies, but then couldn’t find any of the old stores as they were all gone! I came home defeated, and the kids had to do the usual pirating.

What I’m realizing is if I want to watch newish movies, I’m going to have to change with the times, and as you know, I hate change.  But I’ll have to steel myself and make inquiries at Shaw Cable or Netlfix and see what in the heck a person of my abilities will be able to do in order to watch a new movie.

In the meantime I’ve been to the bargain section of Mosaic Books downtown, and loaded up on memoirs.  I finished two, and will work on the third today. 

Like a farmer, winter is my fallow time, and I intend to rejuvenate myself with a bit of inspirational reading.  Maybe, wonder of wonders, I’ll actually be able to force myself to start to write.

I couldn’t face typing this blog yesterday because I was too bloated to hold my arms out like this.  I’m no better today, but seem to have adapted quickly to Michelin Man arms.  You’re kind of like a robot, and have to turn your entire body to reach things.  The girth of the stomach prevents any normal twisting at the waist.

And why?  Simply because at Christmas I purposely decide to eat as much food as I can.  And I can really pack it away when I put my mind to it.  Because I felt we didn’t have enough sweets with just the cookies and chocolate, I made a chocolate and a lemon mousse as well.

But on Thursday it’s back to the gym and then with any luck, all of the bad food’ll be out of this house and I can return to normal eating.  Sadly, I have one of those fetishes whereby all of the food must be eaten before a diet can begin.

Luke showed up unexpectedly for Christmas, so that was a nice surprise.  He came home on December 21st, so on the 22nd we all went to Osoyoos for a Hanukkah dinner.  Gerry’s son David and family were there from Virginia, and Jerralynn came over to cook a gourmet dinner for everyone.

We had latkes with apple sauce, brisket, beets, and kugel, a Jewish noodle casserole.  For dessert Jerralynn made her lovely cheesecake, so that’s kind of how the bloating began.

By the next day when I drove home, I pretty well figured, what the hell, and just started eating Spitzbuebchen by the handful.  Those are the delicious cookies my gramma made every year, and which I now have to make for several people or they’d feel it wasn’t really Christmas.

Margaret and Brendan arrived on the 24th, and I made a brisket for dinner that night, too.  We all ate like horses, and then opened our gifts.  My sister-in-law Wendy sent me the cutest handmade Barbie dress, and I just love it so much.

Denis and the kids’ friend Felix came for Christmas dinner on the 25th.  After dinner we got into a marathon dice game, which Margaret won, and I came second, so I suppose it was worth our while.  As the men had insisted on playing for money, it wasn’t out fault that she made $100 and I made $40, was it?

Luke left early this morning, and made such a ruckus that I’m sure everyone was awake.  However, they’re all still sleeping, so believe me, I’m not going to be bothering any of them to get up anytime soon.  It’s just me with the cat at my elbow right now, and that’s the way I like it.

A year ago I found it quite easy to make some sensible resolutions for 2011, yet last night I was really struggling to think of some for 2012.  I suppose for starters I could try to cut down on the gluttony a bit.  I don’t know why, but for some reason I’m just wild with excitement about the coming year.  I’ll have to resolve to vibrate on this positive frequency at all times so I’ll attract only fabulous things.