My guest bedroom has been fire engine red for about 15 years, so last week I decided to paint it a shade of gold.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to remove the valance or mirror, so decided my best approach would be to leave that one wall red and say I wanted a feature wall.

The painting didn’t go too badly, except for the overall body pain after I was finished.  But I like to think of the money I save whenever I embark on these projects.  And besides a few bits of paint in the wrong places, it looks quite nice.

I need a bed table for that room, so I went to my fav thrift shop, the Helping Hands in downtown Kelowna.  They had a couple of bed tables, but they were too large, and instead I found an original water colour, all nicely matted and framed, which I bought for $20.

The sticker on the back showed the original price of $420, so I felt quite happy with that find.  I hung it in the newly-painted room and it looks great.  I still need to continue to hunt for the bed tables so imagine the stuff I’m going to end up with!

Petra and I, along with her sister in law Cheryl, had lunch at the Harvest Golf Club last week and I had the most delicious martini.  It was made with peach-flavored Absolut vodka.

I raced out and bought a bottle and would recommend it highly.  It’s delicious mixed with orange juice and still tastes very peachy.  Unfortunately it’s one of those highly drinkable concoctions, so I have to be careful because a hangover is always lurking, waiting to pounce if I make one wrong move with alcohol.

Another thing I’m loving right now is a series on Netflix called Cosmos: a Space Time Odyssey.  It’s so interesting and really helps a person to get a grip on their very, very small worries.  When you think of the billions of galaxies out there, you can take a lot on the chin and go, “meh.”

Today the tile setter’s returning for the final day and then I’ll have a lovely new shower downstairs.  As you know I had a disgusting glass-fronted stall and it was horrible after 15 years of hard use by the kids.

I was hoping to get the whoop de doos out of my driveway from the tree roots this year, but may have to wait until next year for that project.  Anyone who’s driving into this yard knows the pronounced heaving of asphalt due to the many pines.

Those crazy people, the Lynch’s my friends from Vancouver, came through town the other day so I asked them to take their daughter’s wedding gift for me.  I’m going to the wedding next month, but didn’t want to transport the gift, which happens to be a case of wine so is heavy and unwieldy, plus should be kept at a decent temperature.

How was I to know they’d arrive in their tiny pick up truck, and then proceed to put the case in the back in full sun?  I e mailed the kid and said look, you’ll probably have vinegar by the time you open this, but it’ll be a very high-end, gourmet vinegar.

I thought it might be a bit of fun to join an on-line dating site, as it’d give me something else to do.  Who knew scammers abound on these sites?  And can you believe it, I stumbled into two of them right off the bat.

First some man allegedly named Tim Webber sent me long e mails and then asked me to message back and forth on Yahoo, which I stupidly did.  Why I do some of the things I do, I’ll never know, but I think mostly it’s because I’m honest and assume the world operates on similar ethical principles.  Not!

This man (or perhaps a teenaged girl on a lark for all I know) stated he was working in Afghanistan, and I fell for that.  We messaged back and forth, and then one day nothing further was heard from him.  And this from someone calling me “sweetie” and “baby”!

At the same time as he disappeared, another scammer named Patrick Grant e mailed me and pretended he was moving to Kelowna, and get this, I briefly fell for that, too!  Please offer me land on the coast of Florida, as I’ll probably go for that.

You know there must be legitimate people on these web sites, but I only meet fake ones.  The ones who appear real wear baseball caps and like bowling, and so I think on-line dating may be for two groups: losers and scammers.  Why am I on this site??

Dear God.  But you may recall a Bugs Bunny episode in which Yosemite Sam wants the Bunny to dive from a platform into a container of water.  Sam says at one point, “I paid my two bits to see the high divin’ act, and I’m a gonna see the high divin’ act.”

In other words, I paid for three months of torture on this site, and damn it, I want my three months’ worth of scammers and losers.

You should see the effort these people put into it, too.  Patrick Grant would send long, detailed messages about his life, but as he didn’t roof read them carefully, we could see they were cut and pasted and sent to several people!  I say “we” as all e mails were forwarded to no less than 15 people, just for their input and amusement.

I figure if it’s on-line dating, and therefore in writing, then let’s get as much input on these individuals as possible.  It’s been very interesting, as some people are excellent in pointing out errors and clearly see the scam, whereas others are like me, kind of naive.  As I believe in Karma, I just can’t understand why someone would jeopardize their current and next lives with such bullshit.

It’s very strange, this world of internet dating.  Yet we all know people who were able to find someone decent this way.

I had a fab visit with Renate last week, and we went to Osoyoos and met a bunch of women from the Ya Ya Sisterhood for dinner.  Now that’s what I call fun.  Maryjoy, Phyllis, Rhonda, Renate and I had dinner at Walnut Beach Resort, and it was a lovely evening.

So why I’d want to go and wreck a charmed life with a man, I don’t know.  But thank God I tried internet “dating” (none of which materialized) and I can say it’s just not for me.

Today I’m expecting Renate, who you know by now as a member of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.  She and her mom moved to Osoyoos when we were in grade 4.  I still remember the whole town being stood on its head by her beautiful mom Irma, who had a figure like Sophia Loren.

I invited someone I’ve known since grade 1, John Patterson, to come over this afternoon for a visit.  He and Renate became friends and so I know he’s looking forward to seeing her for the first time in a couple of decades.

Then on Monday Renate and I will drive to Osoyoos to have lunch with mom and tour around the town as Renate hasn’t been back for over twenty years.  We’re meeting two more members of the Ya Ya’s, Maryjoy and Rhonda, in the afternoon, down at Maryjoy’s old family home.

At 6:00 we’re off to dinner, and will be met by Phyllis.  So it’ll be another large gathering with only Penny and Alison absent.  It’s great to be able to meet up with these incredible women so often.

I’ve been busying myself with on-line dating, which is going well, other than there are no actual dates.  However I’ve e mailed back and forth with some really nice people, one in particular, and still can’t believe I’m doing such a thing.  I used to find the idea of on-line dating unseemly.

But one evening as Louie and I were on the couch, watching Netflix as we like to do, I wondered if this was the picture of the next thirty years.  I love Louie and all, but I thought perhaps there’s something a bit more fun for me to do in this world.

I’d foolishly thought that one might meet a person doing normal things.  But working from home and attending an all-women’s gym and never leaving the house meant I’d have to hope to meet someone nice in line at the Superstore.  As that didn’t work, I had to bite the bullet and advertise myself on line.

German relatives are due in Canada on August 5th, and will stay with Freddie at the Coast for a while before heading to Osoyoos to stay with mom.  I told everyone I’m having the basement bathroom renovated, and can’t handle two adults and two teenaged boys at this time.

The poor plumber came on Friday and after he tore out the filthy shower stall he said it really needed to come out of there.  I can well imagine, given the amount of leakage over the years, and I’m ga ga with excitement about my plans.

A tile setter’s going to come and do the floor and tile up the sides of the walls.  Then the plumber will return and put in a nice new shower head and faucet, and I’ll get a round shower rod installed and put in a shower curtain.  Adorable!

I got a beautiful brocade fabric sofa and chair at the Kelowna Women’s Shelter Thrift store for $110.  They’re in fantastic condition, like new.  I just don’t understand people who want to get rid of something that’s still perfectly good.   I love them for it, though!

Alison arrived on the Wednesday before my big party, and we spent Thursday morning shopping for the dinner ingredients.  We then proceeded to make dinner for 30 people.  It was a lot of fun, and every once in a while we’d say to each other, “This seems too easy.”  We made a turkey, a couple of roasts, and some steelhead trouts.

On Friday we also made some great sauces for the meat, made the salads, and I made my favourite Green Goddess dressing for the tossed salad.  On Saturday morning we loaded my car and transported all of the food to Osoyoos.

When we arrived, mom had the long tables all set up under the ivy, out on her back deck.  There were 15 chairs on each side, and mom had carefully made place cards for the 30 guests.  It took days as she considered each person, and then decided where they’d optimally be seated.

Freddie and Wendy were already there, and we had lunch together in great spirits.  I have to say I was really excited about my party, as it was comprised of people I consider dear friends.  Petra and Larry were there from Kelowna, and lots of people made the trip from the Lower Mainland, including Margaret.  Bev, my old teacher of the deaf pal, came too.

Almost all of the Ya Ya Sisterhood was there, except for Renate, who happens to be arriving next week.  The husbands all commented on how pleasantly surprised they were to be allowed to the party.  They said they’d never been included in our revelries before and felt honoured.

Because it was Osoyoos in mid-July, it was nice and warm sitting outside, and the dinner began with a lovely toast from my dear brother.  We then began passing around the food, and drinking as much as we could.

I’d said to Alison I wanted to serve a cocktail, as I think if people get a stiff drink at the beginning of a party it elevates the whole event.  We went through some recipe books, and finally settled on a vodka punch but decided not to use the word punch and to call it a Mo cocktail.  A special birthday Mo cocktail, anyone?

We kept tasing the punch as it was being made, and eventually I made Alison dump 1.5 of the giant vodka bottles into the vat, which also included orange, pineapple and grapefruit juice as well as club soda.

We’d mix and taste, and I kept saying but I want them drunk after one glass, so it has to be strong.  However, you want it to taste like juice so they down it quickly, thereby adding to the so-called punch.  It was a fine line, but I believe we achieved it.

Jerralynn had made a beautiful three layer cake, whereby each layer was a different flavour and colour.  It was really lovely and delicious, too with marshmallow icing.

The next morning Jerralynn came over and made Bavarian waffles for those of us staying at mom’s and it was a beautiful breakfast after a fantastic event.  For once I wasn’t hungover, so perhaps that’s what happens as one ages; one really does become wiser.

I wondered what might happen when Nicky left, but I remained calm and didn’t make a fool out of myself.  Denis said he’d drive him to the airport, so I invited Denis for a Canada Day barbecue as Nicky was leaving that day.

I’d made a potato and a tossed salad with a delicious homemade green Goddess dressing I love.  Denis barbecued the steaks, and we ate early because Nicky wanted to be at the airport before 6:00 PM.

When it was time to go, we did that funny sideways body hugging thing, and then off he went to find his fame and fortune in Taiwan.  I asked him to let me know once he’d arrived, and he sent me an e mail right away saying he was there, safe and sound.

Now here’s the wonderful thing.  I don’t miss anyone and I enjoy being alone with my precious pets.  I’m also finding out interesting facts about myself.  For example, I now find myself playing greatest hits of the 70’s and 80’s at quite a high volume.  I eat dinner at 4:00.

On Saturday mom’s holding a gala dinner party for 32 people for my 60th birthday so I’m ga ga with excitement.  Alison’s arriving from Toronto on Wednesday at noon, and we’re going to be making the food so will be cooking for three days.  Fun!

It’ll be very manageable as I made dinner for 24 people for Denis’ 50th birthday, so I know the two of us can do it.  Actually Jerralynn’s making the appies and cake, so it’s a team effort.  My sister in law Twig’s making a Thai rice salad.

I think if we make a turkey, ham, roast and a salmon, then make a variety of salads and have buns, and tons of booze, it should be a fabulous event.  Mom won’t allow paper plates so it’ll be very chi chi as we’re going to have a long table nicely set out on the deck with 16 chairs on each side.

And for once I said to mom I just want to invite my own friends, and those people I feel close to for this event, so I’ll be seeing all manner of people from the past.  There’ll be my old teachers of the deaf pals Gitte and Mark, and Beverly’s coming too.

All the women of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, except Renate, will be there with their husbands, so we can re-live Palm Springs all over again.  Margaret’s coming from Vancouver and my Kelowna pals, Kathy and David, Petra and Larry will be there too.

I usually buy myself something for my birthday, but this year I didn’t get around to it, and I think that’s fine.  I have a feeling something wonderful’s about to happen so I don’t need a trinket or bauble.

I know some people are bummed out about birthdays, but I’m fine with each one of them.  And unlike some women who remain coy about their ages, if someone asks, I scream out I’m about to turn 60.

So now it’s time to clean this house like a crazy person not just for Alison, but Margaret’s coming on Sunday for a few days, too, so I want the place to be half decent.

Nicky simply couldn’t make up his mind, as life presented him with too many good options.  He’d signed up for the two-year network telecommunications diploma which would start in September.  He was also thinking of going to Alberta to work on the rigs as Luke does, or else he thought he might go to Asia and get a job teaching English.

He was in Thailand for the month of April and met some nice people with whom he stayed in contact.  After much humming and hawing, he decided he’s going to room with a guy he met, who’s from Hawaii, and who teaches in Taipei.  Nicky applied for a job at a school there and was just sent a contract!

After a hair under 25 years of living together, not only is Nicky moving out, but he’s moving around the world.  I was one of the many people who’d said you can go to the college or Alberta any time, but if you have a chance to live in Asia, take it.

So on Canada Day I’m driving my baby to the airport, and then he’ll fly to Vancouver, wait a few hours, and then fly to Taiwan.  He’s currently in Osoyoos, celebrating at mom’s, down at the beach with a few of his close friends.

Today I mowed the lawn for the first time in many years, and it was fine.  In the spring I’d bought an electric lawn mower as I couldn’t start our funky old gas one.  The top had been permanently removed, and Nicky had to hold his mouth just the right way as he’d manually wrap the cord and try to start it.

I can mow the lawn, and shovel snow, the landscapers do the weed whacking and tall pruning, so I think I’m going to manage the empty nest without a lot of issues.  After so many years, it’s just really hard to believe it’s going to happen.

And just in case it does, I went to the paint store and got wallpaper books and have ordered a lovely floral for the basement bedroom.  Once Nicky’s dropped at the airport, I’ll just drive straight home and start re-decorating.

The plumber’s coming next week as I’m having the grotty glass-fronted shower stall taken out of the bathroom down there.  Nicky hasn’t cleaned it in over two years, so with heavy minerals in the water, and two showers a day, some involving lung-clearing, I think you can understand why it’s got to be removed.

I guess you could say I’m pretty excited about the basement renovation.  I want either new love seats or else a sectional to replace what’s there now.  All the plopping over the years resulted in pieces of metal one can actually see protruding from parts of the couches.

Everything in the house is going to be pink, floral, chintz, ruffled, girly.  As you know, I had the exterior painted a shade of mauve. I believe anyone driving up, and then coming in, will know there’s an awful lot of estrogen going on around this place.

And so the next chapter of my life begins.  In two weeks I’ll be 60, reassured by the knowledge I can mow the lawn and use a power drill.  The world’s my oyster, I guess.

I was working away in the yard the other day when a truck pulled up and a twenty-something young gal got out.  She said there was a dead tree on my property which was a hazard to the Fortis power lines and hence would have to be taken down.

I looked at the tree, which is a giant old Ponderosa pine, likely a couple of hundred years old, and it doesn’t look dead to me.  It’s been here watching the area grow all these years.  A few decades ago it must’ve been surprised to see a power line strung a few feet away from it.

The Okanagan has had some pine beetle damage, and the woman alleged the tree was a victim of them.  I said I was surprised, given the thousands I’ve spent over the years on pheromone traps which are visible on the trees.  As well, I said I had the City’s urban forester out not too many years ago to inspect my trees and he reported they were all in good shape.

I told the woman I have a responsibility to the great horned owls who use these tall old trees and said I have to call the urban forester for a second opinion.  It turns out the woman works for a tree removal company that contracts to Fortis.  If I were her, I’d find a lot of “dead” trees, too.

She handed me a sheet of paper explaining Fortis’ contractor will take down the tree, then it’s up to the home owner to get rid of the wood.  I said there’s no way for me to deal with the amount of wood that would come from a tree that size.  My God, it’s not like I planted it there on purpose.

The urban forester’s coming on Tuesday, and if he says the tree’s good, then I look forward to seeing Fortis in court.  If he says it’s damaged, then I guess I have to see that majestic old friemd go.  I nearly weep at the thought.

But on a happier note, I attended a three-hour workshop on how to make macarons at Sandrine Pastry.  It was tremendous fun, and the time flew.  First we started with making two kinds of macaron cookies, chocolate and plain.

Then we made three kinds of ganache, and filled our baked cookies.  Once done, we divvied it all up, and each person went home with two dozen macarons!  I said I can’t believe I’m the owner of 24 macarons, when they’re like gold to buy in the bakery.

I can see why they’re so expensive, though, and it’s not from the ingredients, it’s just the amount of finicky work that goes into them.  It’s a very precise business, and I’m very glad I have a digital scale as Sandrine said it has to be measured to the gram.

I need to buy a sieve, as the almond flour and icing sugar are sifted.  I also need a few piping bags and tips, as both the cookie and the ganache filling are piped.  We were able to learn all kinds of great techniques and now I want to pipe every stinking food I can get my hands on.

Last month I attended the workshop at London Drugs on how to make photo albums, and now the workshop on macarons.  I have gardening and sewing projects I allege I want to do.  I have all of these gradiose ideas for creative hobbies, and now my goal will be to actually do them.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a two-hour workshop at London Drugs on how to make photo books and albums.  It was quite interesting, and I can see how time consuming something like that could become.  I said to the women in Palm Springs I’d make them each an album, and so will have to get busy getting all the photos together.

I always have these great dreams whereby I’ll attend a workshop or course in the hopes of adding a new hobby.  I still think back fondly on the stained glass making course Denis and I took years ago.  I never made another stained glass item.

Next weekend I’m taking a three-hour macaron-making workshop at Sandrine Pastry, so that should be interesting.  Watch this actually turn into a hobby and then by next year I’ll be double my size.

But you know, lifelong learning’s what we’re supposed to be doing.  I tried to keep that foremost in my mind as I walked into Home Depot yesterday with a broken screen, only to be directed to some kind of screen repair kit.

There was a nice clerk there and he said to me it’s very easy to do, then added, “Are you handy?” and I replied, “Dear God, no!” I said I don’t even have a cell phone because I don’t understand how any of that stuff works.

He explained he doesn’t have a cell phone either, and that being technologically astute and handy are two different things.  He patiently took part of my old screen off, explained how the kit works, and sent me on my way with words of encouragement like, “You can do it!”

Sometimes sewing can have rejuvenating effects.  I have a dress whose fabric I’ve always adored but which is a bit too short.  I finally got out my glasses and Exacto knife and carefully removed the stitching from the hem and now it’s perfect.

I’m currently reading a book on binge eating for the second time, and it’s based on cognitive behaviour therapy.  One of the things I want to do is find something to keep my hands busy so they can’t stuff Oh Henry’s and Mars bars into my maw nightly.

So the search for hobbies one can quite easily do at home with ones’ wee hands will hopefully net something of interest.  Certainly dog petting and cat ear scratching are right up there as constants.

You may recall we used to have an awful lot of vehicles parked around the property.  On the weekend Nicky listed one of his cars, and it sold, so now he has one car, and I have one car, and those are the only vehicles on the property!  If you’ve never been here, you’re reading that and yawning, but I’ve lived here with up to 10 vehicles.

And I think you’ll remember just last fall I had 32 tires stacked outside the garage.  So it’s weird and wonderful to think one day I’ll have this lovely yard to myself.  One day.

But in the meantime I have to continue looking for that activity that will distract me from my heart’s true desire: carbs.

I probably don’t have the courage of my convictions.  I sent everyone on my newsletter list a terrible set of photos of Costa Ricans harvesting sea turtle eggs, then felt sick with nervousness about it.  I find I prefer hiding from contentious issues rather than attacking them head on.

The same thing with the change in business direction.  As you know, after Christmas I said I wasn’t going to sell fruitcakes wholesale any longer.  However after that announcement I decided it was far better to hide than contact the store owners and let them know.

One of my readers waltzed into Discover Wines last week and approached Tracy the owner, and said, “As Moni Schiller’s no longer making fruitcakes for sale in stores, I wonder if you’d consider trying mine.”  Tracy promptly phoned me and asked if that could be true.

I said, “as a matter of fact, I was going to contact you about that.”  And you know I was.  I was just waiting to be in the right frame of mind for delivering that horrible news.  So maybe it was better for that reader to have let her know, as God knows what might have occurred.

Tracy was pretty upset about it all, and I think not just due to the number of people who’ll freak in December when they blithely ask for a fruitcake to go with their wine, but also because she had to hear it from someone else.

I’m a very bad person, what can I say?

And now I have to add bad cook to the list, as I made a brisket the other night that was so horrible it was kind of scary.  I had Petra, Larry, Kathy and David over for dinner, and pulled the brisket out of the oven and when I put it on the plate and tried to cut it I knew it was a disaster.

When a brisket is done properly, it’s a very juicy, tender cut of meat.  I always layer it with thick pieces of lard and these melt into it over the hours it’s slowly roasting in the oven.  With the pieces of garlic tucked into slits made in the meat, the whole thing makes the house smell really good.

But if it’s made poorly and stupidly, then the meat’s completely dry and stringy, it can’t be cut worth a shit, and the whole dinner’s a ruined mess.  They all had to say, “oh no, it’s good,” but come on.  The roasted potatoes, asparagus, mashed turnips and carrots and tossed salad all turned out well, so that saved the evening.

I wore the floal palazzo pants I bought in Palm Springs and man, are they comfortable.  I wish I had more, but will just have to wear these to every summer occasion possible.  Maryjoy got a pair as well, and she agrees they are com-fy.

So while I run around in palazzo pants, write a weekly blog and monthly newsletter and post on Facebook, I find my favourite thing of all to do is to hide.  I like to scream out an extreme position, then retreat.  It must be because my astrological sign is the crab.

Luke arrived home from Thailand, and has moved into my gramma’s old house in the orchard in Osoyoos.  It’s incredible to think of him living in the house in which I spent so many happy hours.  Of course he won’t be there much, as he’ll be shipping out to the oil rigs pretty soon, but it’s going to be his home base.

I’ve lived here for 24 years, and just this week I realized I need 25 cedars planted along the property line between myself and the neighbour who borders my vegetable garden.  As nice as Pat is, he simply can’t stand anything unkempt.  This is a problem if you’ve ever seen my property.

My house sit on top of a knoll, and around the house there’s ugly asphalt and then lawn and hedges.  However, the area that’s all hill is kept wild, so it’s a lovely profusion of ponderosa pines, bunch grass and Oregon grape.

The lower part where I have the greenhouse and garden is flat, as there used to be a warped old tennis court there when we moved in.  The vegetable beds and greenhouse are surrounded by alfalfa and dandelions.  I get Nicky to weed eat down there once a month so the taller grasses don’t grab my ankles and trip me as I water.

Beside this there is a very tidy house and yard. This house used to be the picker’s cabin that belonged to the O’Reilly’s, the original owners of my house.  Over the years it’s been renovated, and now it’s a nice solid little house.

It sells every few years, and the current owners retired from the Coast, and moved in last year.  The first thing they did was to remove all bushes from the front and had what wasn’t lawn paved.  Their manicured lawn touches my tall bunches of spear grass, and that bothers them tremendously.

A couple of times the neighbour asked if he could put Roundup along the fence line, and I said please don’t.  I’m one of the people who protests GMO and Monsanto, so using Roundup would occur over my dead body.

Last year Pat made the mistake of saying something to Nicky about being surprised the by-laws allow our mess of a yard!  We’ve been here for 24 years, and my goal’s to protect every indigenous plant I see, and here’s some nut from the Coast wanting to eradicate everything I’m trying to save.

Then the other day I was standing down there looking at their yard and wondering what on Earth to do, and suddenly it hit me.  I need a thick, heavy, tall row of cedars along that fence line. That way, my messy yard won’t be a concern any longer.

I took Luke down there yesterday to mull it over over, and we both agreed no-one likes going down there as it’s open to the street.  Now with the line of cedars it’ll feel like a private room in the yard.  I can’t wait for Artie Knapps to open, as I get to race in and order 25 Pyramid cedars.

On top of all of the joy that epiphany brought, I realized I can use Liz’ gift certificate for the purchase.  That way, for the rest of my days on Hall Road, as I enjoy puttering around in the vegetable garden in my underwear, I’ll think of Liz and thank her.