I never thought I’d ever experience a panic attack, so I was quite surprised when I did.  Actually, they only happened at night, and I had to get right out of bed as my heart was beating rapidly, my hands were shaking and I had a head to toe feeling of dread.  I’m describing this all as though it’s firmly and permanently in the past, as I hope it is.  I’ve experienced four in total and don’t want anymore of them.

God only knows where these unpleasant things originate.  I do know our thoughts directly influence our feelings, so I’ve been giving myself some fairly stern talking-tos.  I ask myself why I’d have something as ignorant as a panic attack, remind myself that’s all it is, and therefore it’s nothing to get worried about, and tell myself to stop it.  So far, it’s worked.

No such luck with the compulsive eating, of course.  I find myself behaving like a sane and rational person until around 7:00 PM.  At that time, a couple of 100 calorie Revels and a couple of bags of Praeventia cookies really hit the spot.  Sadly, the old spot’s growing.

I weighed myself today and decided instead of throwing the scale right out, I’d try to remain calm.  After all, didn’t I say I was going to stop dieting for a while?  I can see that’s folly.  For someone with eating issues, I believe saying one is going to stop dieting is like a newly reformed smoker saying they’re going to light a cigarette and hold it, but not inhale.

But on a happy fashion note, both tunics and peplums are huge this season.  Both are perfect for the stout person who stores most of their fat around their midriff.  Even though you’re probably thinking one or two of the 30 tops I already have might be okay, but you’d be wrong, as there’s not a tunic or a peplum among them.

I Skyped with Jan, Luke’s fiancee in Thailand yesterday.  She’s absolutely adorable, and I love her so much already.  She said it’s the rainy season right now, and as I’ve decided against malaria meds because of the side-effects, I pray it’s over when I arrive so I don’t come home with malaria.

But really, I’ve talked to several people who took malaria pills and they described nausea and hallucinations during dreaming.  Can you see where this is going?  Here I am, with newly developed panic attacks that only occur at night, and then I’m going to hit Thailand and pop malaria meds.  It’s a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

So I said to the rather surprised Travel Clinic doctor I’d have to say no thanks to her recommendation on the malaria pills, and would return for the typhoid shot if I decide to get that.  I mean, for three days in the tiny village, I think all of this is overkill.

I’ll just smear Deet on myself, and put on long sleeved, long panted PJ’s, wear cotton gloves and socks and then cover myself in a mosquito net before bedding down on my mat in the open-sided shack.  I’m very seriously wondering if a few Depends might not be the wise way to deal with my 2-3 trips to the bathroom (ie open field) in the middle of the night.  Maybe we’re coming closer to the source of these new panic attacks after all.