In 2007 I thought I should get credit card capability on my website.  Somehow I heard about Moneris Solutions and applied to them, and have been able to process Visa and Mastercard payments ever since for a usorious fee.

There’s the percentage charged per transaction, of course, but then there are also “service fees” and surprise! there is no actual service.  I recently decided to inquire further about these fees a couple of months ago, and called Moneris.

The customer service agent I spoke with said I could get a lower rate if I entered the card numbers on-line, rather than on the phone as I do now.  He said they’d send me a secret password to get started.  Nothing arrived for over a month, then two days ago a terminal and a bunch of wires arrived by courier.

Seeing this just confirmed to me I had to get away from Moneris, as this customer service rep had lead me to believe I was entering in my computer, and made no mention of a terminal and pin pad!  Also, I really don’t want to pay their fees any longer, and probably don’t need credit card capability for my customers anyway. I notice many people prefer to pay by cheque or with bank transfers, which are so easy and free.

So two days ago I phoned to cancel my contract with Moneris and that’s when all Hell broke loose.  I told my story and was transferred three times, and put on hold for several minutes each time, which was really helpful in making me feel absolutely sure getting away from Moneris was the right thing to do.

I spoke with a gal named Amanda, and for some reason I brought up the terminal which I’d just received.  She stated, “I don’t have any record of you having a terminal” to which I replied, “Well of course you wouldn’t, because your customer service is so poor.”  She said until the terminal was picked up and returned to them, they couldn’t close my account, so she said she would make sure that happened.

I said great, and then she added there’s also a $300 cancellation fee!  I asked why, and she explained my contract had automatically been renewed last year and it’s in “the terms and conditions” of the contract. To say I was mad is like saying Kim Jong Un isn’t very nice.

Today I noticed more “service fees” from Moneris out of my account, and so this time I spoke with Diane.  I asked why, when I had been assured the account would be closed, more fees had come out.  She said it takes 5 – 7 days.  Then she phoned back and said she saw I had a terminal, and guess what, no arrangements had been made by our little Amanda for it to be picked up!

Had I not called today, Moneris would merrily be dinging me with “service fees” and I would be assuming they’d snatched the $300 from my account as per the “contract” and it was closed.   Then in a couple of weeks I would see even more service fees, have to phone again, reach yet another agent, who’d go, “Oh I see Diane didn’t put that request through……”

Someday however, I’ll be seeing the back of Moneris amd then I can laugh about the whole situation, much like you do after a really bad hemorrhoid has gone away.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I also decided besides putting up with that, it’s good to make a Better Business Bureau complaint, which I did, and I’m sending a letter to their head office as well.  May as well spread the misery around.

I get so mad at the kids for their lack of impulse control because it’s one of my worst traits.  Or maybe it’s one of my best, as there are times when I want to get things done immediately.  For years I’ve been depressed about the exterior of the house, then two days ago I decided it was time to find a painter.

I browsed on-line, and Ouija Board-like I let the mouse lead me to the right person.  There he was, a guy named Mike.  I sent him an e mail and even though it was Sunday, he replied immediately, asking when I’d be around so he could give me a quote.

I hadn’t replied so Mike phoned on Monday morning and asked when I’d be home, and we set a time to meet for 2:00 PM.  He arrived promptly and I proceeded to walk around pointing at the trim and siding, as well as the peeling cement stairs to the basement.  I said maybe do the deck as well.

I went inside and let Mike wander about, making his estimate.  The whole thing with paint will be $3000 so I said sure, go ahead.  Yesterday he came and brought the paint brochure so I’m going berserk trying to decide on the colour.

You know I’ve always hated the deck railing since the day Denis completed it, as it’s just too clunky looking and no-one ever sits on it.  So as I’m going to be having the exterior spruced up with paint, I decided to have the railing changed at the same time.

Because it worked so well with Mike the Painter, I went on-line to look for a carpenter or handyman, and I used the same technique.  The mouse stopped at someone who listed themselves as a retired carpenter who was bored.  I e mailed him, but didn’t hear back.

The next day I went back on-line and found a handyman who does renovations.  He replied immediately and set a date and time to give me an estimate.  Of course then the carpenter phoned, and I told him I’d contacted someone else but he wanted to come and give me an estimate too.

And guess what, both of these guys are named Mike!  They came today and both will supply me with an estimate.  Mike #1, the retired carpenter, only looked at the deck and said he’d send me some photos of railing he’s done.  Mike #2 appears to be more of a handyman type, and I asked him to also give me an estimate on fixing up the sunroom’s exterior.

So now I have Mike the Painter, and if I go with Mike the Carpenter for the railing, then I can go with Mike the Handyman for the sunroom renovation.  The latter Mike’s already raced off with one of the screens to see if they need to be custom-made.

It’s funny how you live with things for years, and then one day really look at them and see how terrible they are.  When Mike the Carpenter was here I said why is that lattice area around the deck so ugly?  He replied it’s because it doesn’t come right down to the ground, hence the hideous cocmrete footings are showing.  He said it’s easily fixed with a proper wood wall.

Such a simply question with a very straight-forward solution.  Just do it!

My friend Petra and I drove to Osoyoos on Monday, which was the newly-minted Family Day holiday.  We picked mom up and had lunch at the N’Kmip Winery which wasn’t good as usual, though the view’s lovely.  It’s only in rural Canada that one would drive 100 miles each way for lunch.

The night before Petra and I went to see the play The 39 Steps, put on by the Kelowna Actor’s Studio.  It’s a dinner theatre, so we met at 6:30, ate, then the show started at 8:00 PM.  You know me, I’m always in shock when something starts at that time of night as it’s my bedtime.

But one must challenge oneself from time to time, just to be reminded that life can’t be comfy all the time.  My idea of bliss is sitting on the couch with my dog, watching TV.  So every once in a while to be forced out of that routine is probably healthy.

Because I’m turning 60 in the summer, the government kindly sent my pension contribution statement.  It appears I’d get a paltry amount if I decide to take it now, and so I can see I’ll be yoked to the vagaries of work until I’m 65.

But I told myself to cheer up, as that’s really just 64 months away, and you know how time flies at our age.  It’s an excellent opportunity to be thinking about all the things I want to do when I have more time.

Regardless of that, I’m going to order a couple of bee hives this spring, as there’s no point in postponing that project.  You’ll recall I’ve got the the bee suit and smoker, so it seems silly not to get the bees to go along with it all.

As well, I plug along in my creative writing pursuits, and with any luck will have a short story to submit to the Okanagan Short Story Contest.  I was humiliated yet not surprised to see the story I submitted to CBC’s short tory contest contained a typo!

And they say it right on the site: Check your submission.  I was like ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve read it a hundred times’, and sent it.  Then a couple of days later I idly opened the document only to see I’d somehow cut off half a sentence.  I must’ve copied and pasted and didn’t re-check.

Hence this submission’s going to be gone over with a fine-toothed comb before being sent.  I wonder if Alice Munro started like this, but somehow doubt it.  Perhaps Erma Bombeck, whose style my writing somewhat resembles, had these issues in the beginning.

Another project that’s looming is exterior house paining.  Not by me, don’t worry.  But I have to call a couple of companies or handymen to get quotes.  I’m so poor at that step.  I just want to have a fairy come in the night to do things while I sleep.

But really, living here gives me so many nice pursuits that working isn’t all that pesky as I don’t have to leave home in order to do it.  It’s almost mean of the government to send a document like that when all it does is confirm the worst: Carry on!

I just placed an on-line order totalling $157.19 for bulls’ penises.  This morning I shelled out over $30 for 3 penises at Buckerfields, and cut one in half and gave it to Louie.  Two hours later it’s almost gone, so I can see this isn’t going to work.

I went on-line and starting doing research on bulls’ penises and came upon this fantastic site.  It’s bullysticks.ca and they have really good prices for penises.  And they’re so good for the dog as they’re all meat and excellent for cleaning their teeth. 

Now I have a crate of penises coming so I hope that’ll last Louie for awhile.  But from now on I’m certainly not schlepping to a store when this was so much easier to do.  I can see how agoraphobia begins.

I needed to get out last weekend though, and decided to make my rounds of the thrift stores.  I nearly wept, but in the Mennonite thrift store I found a pair of Ingledew’s Grazia-brand made in Spain pumps.

The woman at the till and I examined them and thought perhaps they’d been worn once.  They were $9 instead of $300 so why not?

I got Louie a stuffed donkey a la Shrek, for $3 and it’s slightly larger than he is.  I could tell he liked it as he decided to have sex with it almost immediately.  Neutering didn’t do much to diminish his zeal around certain stuffed animals.

You know how compulsive I am over some things, and the juicer’s one of them.  Most days I throw a beet, some carrots, a bunch of parsley, an apple and an orange into it and make myself a delicious glass of juice.

 You’re thinking one would lose weight juicing, but you’d be wrong in my case, as I believe I’m gaining.  It’s my own fault of course as my gluttony knows no bounds.

For example yesterday Kathy and I were invited to Rosemarie’s, another nice woman from the gym, for a Devonshire cream tea.  She’s from the area so made us lovely buttery scones, and served them with strawberry jam and whipped cream.

When she sent the e mail inviting us, I salivated for two days while I waited.  Then yesterday I had a healthy glass of juice for lunch in preparation, so when I got there all ravenous, I proceeded to put as much jam and whipped cream on the buttery homemade scones as I could.  Mmmmmm.

So I suppose the dog comes by his insatiable appetite for delcious things honestly because of his adoptive mother.  One way we’re dissimilar however is in how dirty and messy he is.  He loves bringing in pine cones and then chewing them up, spreading debris throughout.

Louie also takes the stuffing out of his toys, and of course his favourite thing is to go downtairs to the laundry room and get a sock or underwear, bring it upstairs, and chew holes into it.  You can see how the money spent on the penises is a good idea.