It’s heart-breaking being a fruitcake monger, as everyone likes to get in on the defaming action.  Even The Bay, for God’s sake!  For example, in this weekend’s flyer, they have these “cute” holiday factoids.  One of them says “Holidata #12: The Fate of Fruitcake” which depicts a pie chart.

The witty ad writers have delineated a slice of about 1/8 of the pie as “door stopper.”  The next slice of about the same size says “pet rock”, and a smaller sliver says “eaten.”  Three quarters of the pie, ie 75%, is shown as “re-gifted next year.”  Isn’t that funny? Not!

Stereotypes like that sure make it hard to sell this product.  But for some reason, I’m not the only certifiable lunatic out there trying to sell this vile food.  In the Globe and Mail’s Life section they had pages of gift suggestions, and one page was entitled For the Epicure.  What should I find there, but another soul’s fruitcake!

This fruitcake is sold at some chi chi bakery in Montreal, and costs $50.00!!  I’m obviously approaching this entirely incorrectly.  Instead of charging a paltry $14.00 for mine, I should triple the price, and say as they do on that site, “limited quantities” and create a Tickle-Me Elmo-like riot.

Here’s another way:  I’m about this far from President Obama eating my fruitcakes!  My sister-in-law and close friend Margaret is dating a man in D.C. whose brother works for the President.  I’m going to mail a fruitcake to the boyfriend and encourage him to share it with his brother and the Prez!

Then on my site it’ll say: Eat the fruitcake adored by President and Mrs. Obama! Clever advertising, eh?  I’ll definitely keep you posted on that project.

The marketing continues at a heady pace, as I’m contacting newspapers and will phone Phil Johnson, the local AM radio morning show host.  He’s one of those people who loves talking about sites where they use a trebuchet to catapult innocent fruitcakes into kingdom come.

When he interviewed me last December, he began with a long preamble about the vile nature of fruitcakes.  When I came on air, I began with, “Do you bait all of your guests before you interview them?”  I think it must happen only to the person daring enough to create the excrement called fruitcake.

Oh well.  As I said, I could easily have started a company selling cookies, but where in the world is the challenge in that?  That’s pretty much a no-brainer if you ask me.  Which reminds me, it’s time to start making the two most delicious German cookies in the world, Spitzbuebchen and Zimmtsterne.  Just saying them makes a person hungry, non?