Those of us of a certain age will remember the hypnotist known as Reveen.  He used to tour all over Canada, even hitting the little town of Osoyoos in the late 50’s.  I know this because my brother’s best friend, Stu, told us about it at a party at my mom’s on the weekend.

Mom had invited 16 people for dinner as my brother was in town.  The boys and I had driven down separately for the party.  Uncle Freddie is their favourite uncle, and as usual, they weren’t disappointed with the visit.

That’s because whenever my brother and Stu are together, just reminiscing isn’t good enough.  Instead, they decided to try out one of Reveen’s tricks.  My brother, aged 63, put his head on one chair, and his heels on another, body suspended between.  Then Stu commanded, “stiff as a board” and climbed onto Freddie’s stomach and stood there!  There was roaring, screaming, high-fiving and general hilarity.

Two weeks earlier for my birthday at mom’s, Denis had come along as the kids were home to take care of Arnie.  So now Denis had to stay home while the boys and I went to Osoyoos.  I drove off early to help mom with dinner prep, and the boys arrived a couple of hours later.  Their harrowing tale of the drive made me wince.

They said that at one point speeds of up to 160 km per hour were reached.  My sister-in-law just looked at me pityingly because her two girls are in their 30’s.  They also said that before they left their dad was singing at the top of his lungs.  I said, “He’s giddy because he’s all alone in the house.”

Sure enough, he phoned Osoyoos later that afternoon asking mom for “my lovely young wife.”  We all then decided that he had probably started drinking very heavily the moment the kids went down the driveway.

But that’s just the way things are going to have to be with Arnie deaf, blind and requiring two insulin injections a day.  We will have to tag-team events and basically I think Denis is pretty damn good with the idea.

I’d been praying for inspiration, and speaking of good ideas, I finally found one.  I decided than an area in which I might get some good response is in corporate and convention gifts.  Without marketing outside of my website, somehow I’ve been the fortunate recipient of some big corporate orders, such as Nokia.

So imagine if I start actively networking around the business community and marketing to businesses.  I actually started at a Chamber event last Thursday, and it felt really promising.  Impossiblist? Maybe.

I’m really starting to question whether or not Botox is even worth it after the day I had today.  Denis and I were outside, he was uncharacteristically cleaning the gutters, and I was cleaning the windows.  We heard sirens, then saw a fire truck race past us down Hall Road towards the seniors’ home at the end.

As a huge fire had broken out in West Kelowna yesterday, I felt bad that emergency personnel were being taken away from that for what I assumed must be another heart attack at the home.  A few seconds later a second fire truck raced by, followed by two fire department pick-ups.  I said to Denis, “I guess we’d better pack.”

Sure enough, within about ten minutes a plane carrying fire retardant was circling over our house and appeared to be heading for Mission Creek Park.  The bird dog, which is the guide plane, came in and pinpointed the area for the bomber.  He made a few runs, some of them making the entire house vibrate.  In any case, I was vibrating, feeling sick and trying to figure out what to save.

The phone rang, and it was Denis’ employer, telling him among other things that Hall Road was on evacuation alert.  Because he works for the Department of Transport he was being called out to help with the highway closure in West Kelowna.  When he hung up I screamed, “On evacuation alert? Again?”

As you may know, we were evacuated in 2003 for the Okanagan Mountain Park fire.  So when I thought of that happening all over again I just felt defeated.  Nonetheless I dutifully picked up some mementos, photo albums and Christmas decorations and started to photograph every corner of the house.

When the employer calls, Denis jumps, so he had gone off for his silly job.  I was at home, on evacuation alert, with Frick and Frack.  As I was packing the stuff into my car, Luke told me nothing was going to happen.  I pointed out that if the house burned and people asked why I hadn’t packed and I said because my son told me not to, I would be classified as insane.

To help me, Luke and Nicky decided to walk down Hall Road to see what was happening.  Not long afterwards I saw the fire trucks leave, and then the kids returned and said the fire was totally contained.  Later in the day when I acting nervous because of all the smoke, Nicky asked if I was “trippin’ out.”

I find that being near the children during a crisis helps bring everything into perspective.  I compulsively cleaned the windows of the entire house to take my mind off imminent disaster, and they went to the creek to cool off.  When they came home we found that we were all in far better spirits.  I was able to stop frowning, and so mercifully will be able to justify future Botox treatments.

It’s my birthday today, though we had a celebration at my mom’s in Osoyoos on Saturday evening.  It was just a small party of nine people for dinner.  Unfortunately, due to being impulsive and imprudent, I accidentally imbibed too much wine and felt like death on Sunday.

So imagine the pain of getting into a vehicle in full blazing sun and temperatures in the 30’s.  When Denis and I got home we saw that in the 24 hours we were gone an awful lot of food had been consumed.  Remnants were left of the usual groceries, but there was evidence of take-out from the Greek restaurant in Rutland as well.

I just looked at the counter filled with dirty dishes and debris and told Denis I had to have a nap.  When I got up the dear man had washed everything and the kitchen was pristine.  Surprise!  When I got up this morning the entire counter was filled with food debris and dirty dishes again.

Can you imagine how unhealthy it is to be filled with murderous rage day after day?  The only thing that helps me survive is knowing that I don’t have to drive off to a job.  Instead, like Lily Munster I can hand everyone a lunch on their way out the door.

As a result of my new life of caring for others, I think I could easily run a small group home for the mentally disabled or the elderly.  I mean, really, what would be the difference?  The folks with whom I reside can’t make their own food or clean up after themselves.  They’re unable to recall what day of the week it is.

To placate myself I’m having lunch out with my friend Kathy from the gym.  It’s going to be wonderful to actually go to the gym this morning as well.  The Monday class is a killer combination of step and weights.  That should sweat out a lot of nasty toxins.

I had a pleasant e mail the other day from a nice woman who had ordered wedding favours in 2006.  She said her second son was getting married and they had all loved my fruitcake so much for the first wedding that they wanted it again!  Something like that can really brighten a day.

To cheer me even further, the four of us are going to our favourite Greek restaurant, Yama’s, for dinner.  The kids and I already know we’re having the calamari because it’s absolutely fantastic there.  The tzaziki is so heavily laced with garlic that you can easily stun a panhandler at five metres.

So here I am, aged fifty-five, hence older than Madonna, yet younger than Cher.  Sadly I have ten times their cellulite and one millionth of their income.  However I have the pleasure of being on the couch at 7:00 PM, freed from doing gyrations on a stage.  That’s gotta cheer a person up.

When I went downstairs the other day I found the phone book shredded into hundreds of pieces.  Luke and his friend Ryan Higgins were sitting there so I asked them what had happened to it.  Luke said he’d seen someone rip a phone book in half on TV, so he tried to do it, but couldn’t.  He then acted incredulous when I informed him that I actually needed the phone book.

This is merely a very small example of the types of things I’m subjected to on a daily basis.  On Canada Day I was leaving in the morning to go to Osoyoos to visit mom and Gerry and spend the night.  I left a note of things for Denis to do, one of which was to water the vegetable garden in the morning.

Luke was leaving for Calgary that day to visit The Boarder for a few days, and I’d helped him find a small bag for his clothes.  Nicky was off work on the 1st, but said he was working the next day, July 2nd.

I had a lovely time in Osoyoos, beginning with a gourmet lunch provided by mom’s friend Jerralynn.  We then had dinner out at some friends and watched the spectacular fireworks.  It’s hard to believe but true.  This is one of the best shows in all of Canada.

When I arrived back home on the afternoon of July 2nd, I saw Nicky’s car.  I went downstairs and asked him why he wasn’t at work and he said that no-one was there so he went home.  I came upstairs and saw Luke’s bag with his toothbrush and clothes sitting near the entrance.  I asked Denis if he’d watered the vegetables to which he replied he hadn’t.

I relayed this story to my friend Kathy at the gym, to which she asked, “How do you stand it?”  I said, “Because I don’t work outside the home.”  If on top of helping three brainless males I also had to organize myself to go to a job, I think I would go over the edge.   I used to do it, but how?

Besides babysitting adult males, I think another ideal job for me would be recipe-tester.  I’ve noticed that some recipes sound good, but when made, are less than wonderful.  This recently happened to me when I tried one of Martha Stewart’s Cookie of the Month recipes.

They were called strawberry shortcake cookies, and involved fresh strawberries.  Now imagine making quite a stiff cookie dough, and then trying to get diced, juicy strawberries incorporated into it.  It doesn’t work well.  The on top of it all, there was only half a cup of sugar in the whole thing, so they simply weren’t sweet enough for anyone’s taste.

So if you have any witless males that need watching, or want any recipes tested, please contact me.  I am an expert.