Hip Hippo Hurray for Oprah!

Oprah has become the world’s guru, so I think it’s great she did a whole confessional show on getting fat.  She has everything anyone could want, but still gets bummed out and eats herself into oblivion.  Therefore can anyone blame those of us with no fame or fortune for eating like horses?  If she has to eat to feel better, then the rest of us should have custom-made feedbags slung around our muzzles all the time.

Mine would contain the items that I consumed at 8:00 last night: shortbread, chocolate and Miss Vicky’s jalapeno chips.  The year is off to a bumpy start where the diet is concerned.  On top of the nighttime shenanigans I’ve been meeting friends for lunch and happily consuming fries and lettuce drenched with full-fat Caesar dressings.

I find it inspirational that Oprah and I are both having serious issues around food at the very same time.  The unfairness of it all, though, is that Oprah has a doctor, a trainer, a spiritualist, and many other professionals around her.  I have a surly husband, a hungry teenager, a blind diabetic dog, two feeble-minded dachshunds and two disinterested cats on my team.  I wonder which of the two of us is going to beat this weight thing?

Oh well, you know what I always say.  When in doubt, go shopping.  You cannot believe the sales at this moment.  At the Bay they have those fab racks where it says, “50% off.” Under this sign it says, “Take an additional 40% off.”  I found a great housecoat, regular $58 for $12, and the most darling Ralph Lauren two-piece pajama for $24 (regular around $90).  My God, that was a great afternoon!

On Wednesday Nicky’s girlfriend, Taya, came over to take a bunch of photos for Country Woman Magazine.  They’d sent a list of suggested shots, so I baked a batch of fruitcakes and Taya took photos of the process from start to end.  She’ll edit them and put them on a CD as the magazine said they want them early in the New Year.  It’d be great if they decide to run them and do the accompanying story.

I’m enjoying the second half of first-year creative writing immensely.  We’re learning interesting things, and are given exercises in order to practice them.  The worst part of the course for me is my own idiocy regarding the use of the computer to post and read my and other people’s stuff.

When the prof explained it, I was like, Huh??  “You have to go on-line, blah blah blah.” By this point I was too frightened to listen, and was wondering if I had passed a chocolate bar vending machine on my way up the stairs.

Fortunately on the way out I was able to visualize my thighs at a normal size and passed the chocolate bars without a hitch.  I drove home, feeling triumphant, and quickly mixed up tuna canned in water with low-fat mayo and threw that onto a large bed of lettuce.  I wolfed it down, wondering how Oprah and I were going to manage the next couple of dark months of winter.

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