Local Menaces

Yesterday morning I went to Artie Knapps for some chicken manure and a new sprinkler head, browsed the nursery and bought a few heritage tomato plants, and headed for Staples to do some photocopying.

As I stood at the machine making copies, I felt something tickle my back under my shirt so I put my hand down my neck but couldn’t find anything. A few minutes later I felt it again, around my bra strap area, so put my hand up under my shirt, and felt around. I decided it must be an errant label of some kind.

Once done with the copying, I hopped into the car and headed down Leckie, a four-lane road on my way home. Suddenly a wasp flew out from my shirt, and stung me on my chest as I slapped it away. I veered over to the right to park while avoiding a collision with another vehicle. I got out of the car and stood there, searching the interior for the damned wasp.

I couldn’t find it, and I had to get home, so I re-entered the car and started praying. I prayed all the way, and thought as long as I don’t cause an accident all will be well. I thought I can handle another few stings, but not a car crash.

From a distance I noticed the advanced arrow at KLO Road was blinking and knew I wouldn’t make the light, so I turned off at Fisher Road, which has one of those Local Traffic Only signs, even though it connects to KLO at the other end.

I drove at what I considered a very sedate pace of about 40 KPM and as I rounded the corner some idiot in his yard yelled at me to slow down. I felt like parking, getting out, shoving my fist into his face and screaming at him, “I’ve got a wasp loose in the car, mister, now get outta my way.”

I was elated to see my driveway and parked at the gate where I was met by little Louie, wagging happily. I told him mommy had to find a murderous wasp. I looked and looked, and then I saw it. It had been sitting on the inside of the driver’s door, about two inches from my left shoulder, the whole way home.

I had to play hard ball with the staff at Value Village the other day. I wanted to buy a Gap jacket that was marked at the usurious price of $14.99, however I noticed it had a tear in the lining. I was already planning to use my 30% off card, but still didn’t want to pay $10 for the jacket.

I asked for a supervisor, and pointed out the tear, and they said okay 20% off. Then I got to the till and said a supervisor said 20% off and I want to use my 30% off card. They tried to balk, but I held my ground, and so got the jacket for half price, which is all it’s worth. It’d be $5 at the most at any of the other thrift stores.

I got an old White sewing machine for Jan for $20 that works beautifully. She used to work in a sweat shop in Bangkok before she began cooking, so I think she’ll like having it around for little projects.

Soon it’ll be time to plant the heritage tomatoes, and all of this has to be done in the heart of Wasp Country. How something so small can strike so much fear is a mystery.