Edward Scissorhands, the 1990 movie starring Johnny Depp, was about a humanoid who had scissor blades instead of hands. In the movie he uses his hands to cut hair and trim hedges, and all’s well until he accidentally cuts people. This reminds of my dear landscaper, Gilles, who I asked to “prune” my fruit trees. My fault, really, and it reminded me of saying something stupid like that to the hairdresser, i.e. “cut” my hair. When you mean trim, and say cut, look out, right?

My apricot had finally produced a lot of branches studded with buds, so I was looking forward to some fruit this summer. I decided to go down to the vegetable garden area to see how Gilles was doing. I was dumbstruck when I saw all those branches lying on the ground, and said “oh, um, I guess no apricots this summer?”

He replied cheerily he’d left a couple of smaller (12 inches in length) branches and they had buds so there’d be “some.” Then a few days later Elsa asked me if I knew of someone who could prune her apple tree. I said my landscape helper can do that. Why I said that I don’t know, as you’re probably already skipping ahead in your mind to what occurred.

Yesterday Elsa came over and we drove in my car to thrift. On the way I asked if Gilles had been to her place, and when I saw her face: white, mouth tight, I thought uh-oh, Elsa never gets mad. She said, “my poor tree.” Apparently he took down the majority of the branches so now just a stump and a few smaller limbs remain.

I felt terrible and said I’m so sorry! We should’ve said “trim” and not “prune”, given he’s done that for years in commercial orchards. He knows what needs to be done, but as it turns out, I don’t want those things. I just want fake cosmetic shaping, and a bit of stuff cut down, that’s all. But if I live a long time, I think some day I’ll have apricots again.

Here’s the height of laziness. I went for a teeth-cleaning and when the dentist looked at my teeth, he tsk tsked as I haven’t been wearing my Invisalign retainers. He thought it’d be cheap to get some new ones made, and advised they’d call and let me know. A few days later the office manager phoned and said unfortunately I’d have to start over at around $5,000.

I said I’d think about it, knowing that was a hard no. Then got out the old retainers and have been wearing those and all seems to be well. Why Invisalign thought I’d need to start over when the old retainers still fit (albeit no longer 100%) I don’t know but I have my suspicions, don’t you?

I had the Crones here for Petra’s birthday as I like to do every year. I’d found an adorable tile at thrift that said “It’s hard to be humble when you’re German” which of course I wanted to keep but gave to her as I knew she’d enjoy it. It really is hard to be self-effacing, but we try our best.

Here’s an annoying development. I found a wonderful woman to sleep at Mom’s, but it turns out she’s a normal human being who enjoys having time off now and again. I can’t blame her at all; however, it means I now have to spend two nights there instead of one. Early April I have to spend four nights and I’m wondering if there’s even enough vodka in the Osoyoos liquor store for that.

My plan is to do an Edward Scissorhands impression and slash around mom’s garden by day, then get mellow with vodka by night. I’m hoping for the best is all.