There’s nothing that’ll put the fear of God into you like the knowledge German relatives are coming. I look at the house and think this place is a dump. What to do other than scurry about phoning a roof cleaner, a handyman to do the deck, and the garden helper to prune and haul away pine needles. My French doors lost their seal and will be replaced next month. I need to arrange for window cleaning.

I’ve hated the chest of drawers in the guest room since I bought it 20 years ago, so finally made a serious search, putting out positive vibes, and found a nice replacement on Facebook Marketplace. Bit by bit I’m going to slap this house into shape so that it no longer resembles the old shack it really is. But you know how I love this place, crappy or not.

Thinking about summer I decided it’d be nicer for the public not to have to deal with my large stomach so went online and checked out Weight Watchers recipes and generally thought I was on a diet. How wrong a person can be. I haven’t lost one single ounce in three weeks of trying to eat like a normal person. I feel like I may as well go back to the gargantuan amounts I like to power back as it appears to make no difference.

Trevor, a young man who I’ve known since he was about 15 as he’s a friend of Luke’s, is going to illustrate my Kindle Direct Publishing book, the one which is a compilation of newsletter articles. I said to him since the book is supposed to be funny, and as dachshunds are known as the comedians of the dog world, perhaps we could scatter cartoon wiener dogs here and there. He sent me a couple of drawings before we began to have a look at what he could do, and I loved them instantly as he has that ability to put soul into their eyes.

Here’s one of the awful things I have to do before I die: I have to figure out what to do with my grandfather’s old stamp collection. I met with a nice man who’s in the stamp club here and he’s taking some samples to a convention in Vernon where collectors from up and down the Okanagan Valley will be meeting. As you can imagine, I dream about having that one special stamp, but I’ve already Googled quite a few and have gone drat.

A wonderful thing I discovered are two young gals who were able to clean the dogs’ teeth without anaesthesia. I drove Louie and Frieda over to the place and the dogs went in all confused, and the girl said the dogs behave a lot better without their owners there, so shooed me out, and said they’d call. I said as stubbornness is a trait of dachshunds, I wasn’t holding out a lot of hope.

I drove home, and as one hour passed, I knew one dog had been done and then when the second hour came and went I thought yahoo! Both dogs have had their teeth cleaned, and Louie’s were really dirty and his breath stunk. I was so enthralled by their ability I took a dozen butterscotch chip cookies as a tip for a job well done.

It’s sunny and nice and supposed to go all the way to 18 C on the weekend, so I’ll have to haul my carcass out to rake and start to do some preliminary work in the yard. March is an exceptionally ugly month in the Okanagan as everything is grey, but today the sky’s blue so all’s well.

A couple of weeks ago I was proud of my tulips as they were already poking up a good three or four inches. Now imagine my dismay at seeing those stalks completely frozen as last night it was minus 10. For me it’s an aesthetics problem but for farmers climate change is a disaster we can now witness in real time in the Okanagan.

Because it was so balmy all fall the trees and grapevines were humming along, no thought of preparing for winter. Then in January within a day or two it was minus 30 degrees which has reportedly killed almost every grape, cherry and peach in the Valley.

And now with the low snowpack we’re told to expect a major drought, and then add a possible heat dome in summer and we’ll have ravenous forest fires coming toward us again.

So as usual I’m happy I save that paper towel that I used for drying lettuce to reuse it for something else, and proud to see used plastic wrap sitting in the drawer waiting to wrap a leftover. Then I read about the billions of tons of waste in the oceans thanks to cruise ships, or the mountains of discarded unsold fast fashions in the landfills, and wonder if my efforts might be in vain.

Never mind. We all have to do whatever we can, wherever we can. And speaking of which, Elsa and I are going to hunt for treasures tomorrow, followed by lunch at Chutney on Pandosy Street. Though God knows all of the lunches I’ve eaten of late have decided to remain on my stomach so that I perpetually appear to be seven months pregnant.

I don’t need to be out eating and wasting time given the enormous amount of projects I have before me. I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I’ve compiled favourite newsletter articles into a book, and have named it Okay, I’ll Bite. Now I need to find a genius to format it and probably an artist for the cover and some cartoons, then off to Kindle Direct Publishing. If I sell two or three copies, I’m fine with that.

I’m writing a second eBook on starting a home-based baking business based on the Nuttier than a Fruitcake experience. To prepare I’m reading old emails I sent to mom and they’re quite hilarious because they’re not only updates on the business, but stories about life with adult children in the home. I’m glad I blocked some of that out.

Not content with the world of e publishing, I decided to get rid of stuff I no longer need, and if it’s of value, to try and sell it. I started with the old Brio wooden train tracks which I set up with a few trains and photographed, then will put it on Facebook Marketplace. I have a garbage bag filled with Lego that I plan to get rid of the same way. I do give a lot to thrift, but these items might bring in a bit of dough, and that’s always good.

I had a very nice lunch with Denis last Friday. He came from Midway arriving at noon and stayed until 2:30 which was rare but turned out to be a very good visit. He loved the chicken souvlaki, roasted potato, tzatziki and Greek salad I’d made us. It’s good to have a decent relationship with an ex when there are kids involved as let’s face it only the other partner who knows exactly what’s up with a kid.

This cold snap isn’t just bothering fruit it’s also making the hens mad as we haven’t had one single egg for at least six weeks. Everything’s angry at this strange weather.

Was the person who wrote Groundhog Day retired, because that’s pretty much the way my life is. There’s a definite sameness to my days, and I think back on my gramma when she was my age, and think our lives are not all that dissimilar.  She’d make breakfast, do dishes, make beds, vacuum, make lunch, do the dishes again, then was quite happy to sit in the living room smoking her Matinees while watching her soaps for the rest of the afternoon.

In my case you can substitute YouTube for T.V. and the result is pretty much the same.  I like to fool myself into thinking I’m learning something, and at times there’s a documentary that does teach me a fact or two, but the majority of it, according to my algorithm, is true crime and what kind of crap Trump is up to.

Then there are the on-going lunches which I love to do. My friend Lona who used to work at Rucastle and Schiller was here on Tuesday, and as she has four books on Amazon, I needed her valuable advice on my vanity project. It appears I’ll have to shell out several hundred dollars for the formatting as my book has a lot of pictures and needs someone who knows what they’re doing. As you know, this isn’t me.

Yesterday Elsa and I went to thrift, then returned for lunch and had leftover spinach quiche. I bought a painting, then didn’t like where we’d hung it, and today managed to redecorate my bedroom. I hung the new painting over my bed, then realized the bedspread was all wrong so returned to my old green leaf theme. Now I walk into my room every few minutes just to admire my own genius.

Marie’s a stalwart when it comes to lunch. A couple of weeks ago I thawed and heated up a soup I’d made after Christmas with the turkey carcass. To jazz it up I added some really freaky looking purple Japanese yams. Anyway, suffice to say we choked it down and Marie was brave enough to eat all of it with just a hint of surprise at the inferior lunch being presented. 

And then I’ve walked Mission Creek with Sharon, and had coffee with John Patterson, so my life ticks along in a comfortable groove. Sharon and I meet at the same place and do the same walk each time. John and I always go to Specialty Bakery, and we get a deep-fried donut of some kind (he goes for the apple fritters) and we have coffee. I’m a creature of habit so all of this is good.

To say mom’s a handful is like saying a rabid dog loose in a daycare would be a problem. But even here we have predictability. In my daily call to mom she informs me the women who come daily at 9:00 are really not needed. Mom said she explained to one of them the other day they don’t really do a lot for the money she’s paying. I said how did Karen take that then? Mom said oh she totally agreed with me.

They’re good, eh? A company with workers trained to work with the elderly. It’s a help to me as mom lives to talk. I’m like my dad, I’m good with silence. So even if these women come for one hour a day and do nothing but talk, it’s worth it to me. And of course no matter what mom says I know they make the bed, dress her, do the dishes, make her coffee, etc. in that hour. Saves my mental health quite cheaply.

Luke being the technological genius that he is installed two cameras in mom’s house and then put the app on my cell phone (yes, I own one I just don’t use it as a phone) and now I can watch mom whenever I feel like it. There’s one camera aimed at her chair in the kitchen, and one aimed at her chair in front of the TV as these are the two most-likely places for her to be.

It’s fun because I’ll turn on the camera, then call her, and I get to watch her start hunting for her phone. Thanks to mom’s friend Alan we found a private company who does home support and so a nice woman comes daily at 9:00 to make sure mom’s okay and to help her dress and get her coffee. I get to watch her chatting away with mom, or more likely mom pumping her with questions about her life.

I know you’ll be surprised that I’m working on my book which is a compilation of newsletter articles, yet guess what? When some of these are ten or more years old, they’re no longer topical. Hence, I’m writing some new material and hating myself for not completing this a decade ago when I wanted to do it then but didn’t. Will I learn how to conquer procrastination? To be determined.

A friend who lives in the Hall Road neighbourhood sent me a message and said is someone walking your dogs? I replied no, why, and she said because two kids were swinging three miniature long-haired dachshunds around by their leashes, up in the air.  Of course you can imagine my ire so I immediately posted on both the Hall Road and also the Kelowna Dachshund Facebook Page.

The Hall Road page people were like huh!  But oh my God, the dachshund group… hello, if you want action about your breed just post on one of these pages. Suffice to say the culprits were identified and it’s very doubtful it’ll happen again given they know people are watching. Just like new technology, some Facebook conversations are helpful.

But some people in these groups like to fight which is really unfortunate given we’re neighbours. I had posted a link to the SPCA’s petition to outlaw fireworks and was saying I don’t like them. Then a person posted I should be banned from the group for negativity! I then sent them a private message saying Look. We’re all neighbours here, and I’m allowed to say I don’t want illegal activity in my neighbourhood. Turns out you can be fined $500 for letting off fireworks without a permit, which the people around here certainly didn’t have.

This is how a cat rewards you. I felt sorry for Calvin’s cat Felix because he’s alone in the basement, so I was letting him come up here and hang around with the four pets and he seemed to like it a lot. But being a cat, no good deed goes unpunished, so the other day I found he’d peed on a cushion and some laundry. Then Calvin said he peed onto the bathmat downstairs! Now the silly cat isn’t allowed upstairs thanks to his behaviour.

And speaking of behaviour you know the cameras Luke easily ordered and installed are skills senseless old cuckers such as myself appreciate. He lives in a town filled with nothing but old people, and so I wish he would let others know about this technology. It feels a lot like the teleportation from Star Trek and is really amazing. 

I was thrilled to find a colour-by-numbers colouring book at Indigo, as I’d asked for a new set of pencil crayons and got those from Luke.  As I sat here colouring like a lunatic for the past several days I wondered if this was it, is this my life?  Playing YouTube videos of Karens losing their minds while colouring?  Thankfully, no. And where did I get this new inspiration?  From one of the annoying ads on YouTube.

Here’s what I’m going to try to do.  You know how I’m much too lazy to write a novel or memoir, so imagine my joy at hearing “you don’t even have to know how to write” for this idea.  Allegedly people are crazy for Amazon’s Kindle books, and so one can produce these with little effort.  So little one of the companies suggests letting AI write the thing for you!

A lazy writer’s dream, non?  Of course, what gets me every time is the technology, but for once I’m not going to allow that to stop me.  I have an idea for a kid’s book and will start with that, and then see how it goes.  If it really is as easy to produce these as implied from the YouTube videos I’ve been watching, then surely The Laziest Human on Earth can do it.

I’m not going to get my hopes up about myself though as I’ve disappointed myself many times in the past.  However, if there’s anyone I can thank for the little ability I do have to get things done is my old mom.  I worked for her in her fruit stand from age 13 to 19 and if you know mom, you’re shuddering as you read this.  But it sure did make other jobs and bosses super easy.

And speaking of mom we’re still hoping she’ll be around to celebrate being in her 100^th year which will be one day after she turns 99 on February 25^th.  If she continues to make it we want to hold a 100^th year celebration in the summer, so fingers crossed.  Yesterday she said she fell, didn’t hurt herself but couldn’t get up.  I said if only you had that alert button and she reiterated she certainly wasn’t paying $40 a month for that.

I’m in the process of burning off a wart with wart remover and it certainly doesn’t work like the liquid nitrogen the doc puts on them.  You can probably tell I’m growing far more resigned to the aging process as more strange things pop up on the old carcass.  Why I even care I don’t know but somehow the image of the wart-covered witch comes to mind.

I’m not interested in making any New Year’s Resolutions, because see above.  I’m just thankful I have a daily yoga habit because I enjoy the sessions with Adriene on YouTube.  Otherwise I really can’t seem to make myself do what appears to be the simplest of things, such as wing some of these weights around for a few minutes a day.  I own weights and a band, and why?  They remain safely tucked in the closet.

And then I spoil myself senseless at times.  I’d bought two lobster tails which I made for dinner last night dipped in masses of melted butter and today it’s a steak topped with prawns and Bearnaise sauce.  But if I don’t do it, who will?  Right?

But oh well, 2024 here we come. A resolution that I could perhaps make and keep, is to buy less, even if it’s a five dollar Liz Claiborne top at thrift.  Just stop it.

Calvin and I hosted the third annual Christmas party here at the house, and it was the usual rowdy crowd so it was a lot of fun.  As soon as Luke arrives, the mood goes up and the party begins as he’s the most social human being ever born.  Calvin made two batches of his whisky punch and people brought their own booze as well, so vehicles were left, and cabs were taken home.

I noticed a lot of full but opened cans of beer this morning which I just dumped down the sink, recoiling at the stench.  I’m not a beer or wine person as I realize fermented liquor isn’t good for me, yet when I drink distilled liquor, I’m perfectly fine.  Drunk, but fine.  I took a couple of Gravol prior to hitting the bed at 12:30 and then woke up at 8:00 feeling pretty darn good for all that occurred the night prior.

Mom thought she was sick the other day, but when I arrived it was evident it was a crabby mood and nothing further.  She’ll be 99 in February so it’s easy to understand why a person would be cranky, especially as the body and mind start to let you down.  I’m 69 and already a wreck with my bum knee so I hope to God I’m not punished with that kind of longevity.

Mom likes to torture the people at Shoppers Drug Mart for some reason.  When they ask her if she has enough meds at home she says yes, then she calls them and asks why they didn’t deliver her medication, and they reply because she told them not to as she had a lot.  It’s kind of fun as I’ve had to make some of those calls on her behalf, and it causes a lot of bewilderment.

Here’s something insane I like to do.  I look for Dean Martin Christmas specials from the 1960’s and 1970’s on You Tube and enjoy them as my gramma and I watched all of these.  Granny had a serious crush on Dean Martin.  She’s been dead for 35 years and I still miss her so much but this way we spend an hour together and it’s wonderful.

I’m now making a chaja cake, which I saw on the Great Canadian Baking Show, because tomorrow the crones are coming for dinner as it’s Donna’s birthday.  We like to do a combined Christmas and birthday get-together, usually here, which is nice as why decorate if no one’s going to see it?  And especially this year as Calvin did a fantastic job on the outdoor lights.

Once that’s over I can concentrate on the last batches of cookies and any wrapping plus getting the groceries together for Christmas Day when the nice Hamiltons will come for dinner, as they often do.  Fred will wear his Christmas vest, all beautifully appliquéd by Julie with Christmas trees, lights, and everything else related to the theme.

Luke solved a lot of Christmas present fear and loathing by telling me what he wanted and then ordering it on Amazon, and I picked out stuff I would like and so we’ll be getting things that could be of some use.  Mom’ll get a glut of chocolate, which is her most prized gift of all. 

And so we’ve come to the last blog of 2023, and I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, and thanks a lot for your readership, it means a lot to me.  Let’s all hope for soul enrichment in 2024. XO

Don’t we all just hate the image of a person who sits around watching T.V. all day?  I remember when I grew up there’d be retired folks who had the set on from morning until night, and I thought oh brother, I’m never gonna be doing that.  So imagine how proud I felt for not being addicted to the TV but then realized sitting at the dining room table watching You Tube on a laptop is just another new monkey on my back.

From psychologists explaining narcissistic personality disorder to Piers Morgan trashing Meghan Markle, I find it nearly impossible to do anything but hunt for an intriguing new link and click on it.  I’m hoping this is somehow winter-related, and by spring I’ll have snapped out of it and have a more manageable heroin addiction or something like that.

And it being December, it means I fill my maw with especially bad things such as those Dominos, little chocolates made in Germany.  They’re like a mini petit fours, and have a layer of gingerbread, one of apple jelly, and then one of marzipan and the whole thing is coated in chocolate.  Then there’s the dreaded maraschino chocolates which 98% of humans hate, but sadly, I am one of the 2%.

Though difficult, I’m waiting until December 14 before allowing myself to buy egg nog, as then it’s time for that delicious liquid punched up with a nice bit of whiskey.  It’s almost a miracle to have lived this long when you think of the long list of somewhat questionable foods and drinks I’ve imbibed.

Because everyone has everything, I think giving less to them and more to the poor is a better option for me this Christmas.  I was at the Gospel Mission thrift store with Elsa the other day and I saw the staff talking to a young woman who was crying.  I heard them say to her “you just take whatever it is that you need” and she was thanking them through her tears to which they said no thanks needed.  I had to walk on by in a terrible hurry as I could’ve cried right along with that woman.

For overweight, spoiled people such as myself, I can easily hum along to “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” while browsing the aisles at Superstore, but I imagine if you’re at rock bottom, hearing that must be galling.  I always think there for the grace of God go I, and all of us really, given how life can turn on a dime.

Calvin and I put up the Christmas lights, he did the bulk of it, and as a reward I’ve made a large vat of boeuf Bourguignon for him. We have new neighbours across the way so I hope they like our efforts.  We’re having our annual Christmas party in a couple of weeks so the guests will be pleased, I’m sure.

I wouldn’t be able to have a fruitcake business with today’s shocking prices.  Two containers of cherries at the bulk food store came to $46.00.  That’s for seven small fruitcakes, then add the pecans, chocolate and brandy and each one would be about $20.00 to make.  But this is one of mom’s favourite things, so she gets all seven fruitcakes for herself.

Habits vs addictions, I mean how do we really know which is which?  I can’t stop going to thrift stores despite knowing there’s no room in this overly-full house for one more thing.  I might sort this one under addiction as I know one day I’m going to find that one-of-a-kind treasure.

I enjoy cat ownership because of the insane things they do.  I have a bag of bulk dog treats, you know like small milk bones, on the counter in a plastic bag.  Now if I put these treats into the cats’ bowl, they wouldn’t just be insulted they’d be angry.  However because they seem like contraband by being in a bag on the kitchen counter, Iris sneaks up there to eat a piece whenever the mood hits.

My body’s decided eliciting sharp pangs of pain from various areas would be fun somehow.  First of all you may recall I injured my knee ligament almost two years ago and it’s acted up now and then ever since.  Now I have stabbing pains in my ear drum so at night I sleep with a frozen gel pack and pillow on the bum knee, and put my right cheek on a heating pad. 

If this is aging, I don’t really like it.  I had a free liver scan at Okanagan Clinical Trials, just to see how things were going, and it turns out it’s still okay.  Hard to believe after everything I’ve put that organ through, though the nice testing person said I have to keep things under control or I’m going to develop a fatty liver.  I immediately returned to my daily supplement of milk thistle as God knows, anything further may be quite difficult.

Here are two interesting German customs I think about since my trip.  One is after 25 or 30 years the cemetery is like, okay, OUT! I’d asked where my great uncle’s grave was, and they said oh that’s been dug out long ago.  I said what to they do with the leftover bones, and learned they’re thrown into some sort of a ‘bone yard.’  I said to Heilke, better to just be ash then, right?  So much easier to mulch into the ground.

The other fascinating habit is the airing out of the homes.  You open a door and a strong wind whistles past your ears fanning your hair out behind you and it’s bloody cold out so you say, what in the name of God in Heaven are you doing, and they reply, “Airing.”  Lueften in German.

I should probably have my mental health examined by a professional due to my 2-hour decision to spend thousands of dollars on new French doors.  One of them seems to have lost its seal as water vapor will form between the two panes, so I thought may as well have someone come and give me a quote on new doors.

When the man arrived, I said to him just so you know I’m in no hurry and so won’t be deciding on anything today.  He smiled at me in a kindly, salesperson-like way, and began to talk about the integrity of their doors, and soon his hypnotic flute was making me sway back and forth as I rose from my basket.  When he left, he shook my hand and thanked me for my order, and I felt dizzy and weakened from the hypnosis.

But suffice it to say, I’m getting new doors and I’m not going to worry about it because then I shouldn’t have invited the door and window person in. How many times have you heard me say I’m just going to the SPCA or on-line to look at cats or dogs, that’s all.  Certainly not bringing home an animal today, and how many pets have impulsively been  brought home?  I believe this is what’s called being a push-over.

Mom and I got into a scuffle but that’s been resolved, so that’s all to the good.  Gord resigned his position as caregiver, and Luke quit his job too, so now Luke returns to the role of gramma’s caregiver.  Interesting times ahead.

Imagine my surprise when both Lufthansa Airlines as well as the Deutsche Bahn didn’t run on time.  Years ago a person could set their watch by the trains, but no longer.  My flight to Vancouver was delayed by 40 minutes which made me a bit nervous as I had a tight turnaround in Frankfurt to get the train to Stuttgart.  I needn’t have worried, as the train was also delayed, so all was well.

On my return the train was stuck in one of the stations longer than expected so it was running late, and I thought oh no, but should’ve known.  As I ran to the gate for my Lufthansa flight home, I learned the flight was delayed by two and a half hours.  I chatted with people and we’re all pretty much like beaten mules, just shrugging, and taking the punishment.

But I’m happy to report all the time between the actual travel was excellent.  I stayed with mom’s cousin Doris, who is 92 and I’m very pleased to tell you we polished off two 26-ers of vodka in the two weeks I was there.  I told the relatives vodka and orange juice is called a screwdriver, and the translation for that tool is a schraubenzier, so we would say would you like a schraubenzier and enjoy our joke.

Speaking of adorable things my cousin Heilke drove me around to the very cute towns nearby.  Southern German is beautiful and in the fall driving through the deciduous forests was magical, sometimes spotting a castle perched high atop a hill. It had rained quite a bit so the farmer’s fields were the most vivid shade of green.

My gramma was a fantastic cook and I grew up eating Schwabisch food, and so I adored all of the things I got to eat there.  Spaetzle are a hand-made pasta which I ate on a couple of occasions smothered in dark gravy.  I got to eat my mom’s cousin Hannelore’s sauerbraten and also her Zwiebel kuchen.  Heilke’s best friend Monica invited us for coffee, as did my Schiller relatives, and we were presented with the most wonderful tortes.

I think my favourite part of the trip was having coffee in the morning with Doris.  As an homage to that memorable time, I’m going to return to the old Melita coffee filter method my gramma used and which I substituted with the French press.  We simply can’t get the kind of bread you can get in Germany.  Doris and I would eat this ambrosia untoasted, slathered in fresh butter and topped with jam, sipping our marvelous brew and enjoying each other’s company.

Have I mentioned how large my stomach is on the photos?  I was disappointed in my hair as well, but decided to ignore the negatives and focus on the positive.  For instance, I was almost able to cope with my carry-on but caved and bought two sweaters at a second-hand store, and I also managed to get two and a half kilos of chocolate into my suitcase.

As it turned out, at the Ritter Sport Factory store one can get a whole bag of assorted chocolates cheaper than by buying them individually so I thought why not?  Though I must say the times I had to heave that bag into the overhead compartment and act like it was the prescribed weight was no picnic.  All in all, a wonderful trip.